Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Katy, hope ur feeling okay after ur prac.... it sounds like u've enjoyed it so far... how is it building the resources for ppl. almost all the resources i've found/tried have been rcommended to me by social workers....

i love that they also include social resources, and that the social worker i saw told me their own experiences, or experiences of their clients, accessing those resources! i felt like it was a circle of communication, and by trying out new things, and reportng back to the social worker how I went, i was helping hone and fine tune what was out there - and learning myself where to direct others!!! such important work.

here to listen and talk whenevre you need, i know sometmes being in a new environment can bring stuff up for me, if you need to talk at all during your prac always happy to listen and support however.

[Guest_1643]

hey Em,

how are you and your family? a lot of news with lockdowns.... hope ur kids are all okay in these times, Yvette hopefully doing brilliant in homeschool ( i would've been that kid, too! it's nice to wok in your own spaace and be cosy)..

I've learnt through perserverence (!) not to cancel appointments much, particularly in these crazy times. I used to cancel everything basd on mood, but its so hard to gt in now, so I try to give things a go first, stay open. Go once.

I wasn't sure if it felt right gong to the counsellor when I have a few other support services happening, but good services generally work better together.

thanks so much for ur support and listening and caring when u have so much going on!

i've had to push myself to go to a lot of appointments and do a lot of new and scary stuff, and managed to do it before things lockdown, gratefully, becaus otherwise i would've just not done it. I'm tryig to keep out there.

i know what you mean about not being able to watch new things at times... i get into bubbles of things that i watch and stick with, that are soothing. I love skincare videos too. I want to try more educational videos about recipes or life hacks, things to support recovery. I watchd a cute video about lazy ways to make the bed..... i guess that was a good start. I didn't know there was a lazy way to make the bed, but there is, and its great 🙂

[golden82]

Hi Sleepy,

Good to hear you sounding 'well', a bit upbeat in your words. I hope things are going as well as can be during your lockdown times. Thinking of you 🙂 I think it is great and so important that you keep as many apts as you can - even if they are over the phone. Just to stay connected at this time. I know the feeling as I do that all the time - cancel or reschedule apts. And think I will lay in bed and it only gets worse. So I agree, if at all possible keep them up. Also the balance with watching the videos is good I think. I have decided to try watch some comedies here and there just to try ignore the world for 5-10 mins. Gosh we need that break hey.

I think the new centre/counsellor sounds promising for you. A good vibe is always a good start. I have my fingers crossed for you that it 'works'. I have given up sadly. I had this lovely worker for about 6 sessions. She was still in training - but she was so wonderful - probably the best MH support I have had. She would calm me and ground me just talking with her. But the stupid MH system deemed me too high risk and needing more higher level trauma support. Her org said I need someone fully trained. No way! I need her. I have worked with her since late last year - only off/on and phone calls -so works out only the 6 sessions but you build trust and work on your goals and she really cared. She put so much effort into our apts. They want me to start with a new person next week. I have told them no. I have told them what I need. And my worker is fine to keep working with me but it is out of her hands. Again - MH failure. We are just a number. Why stop/start someone's care. I told them I am exhausted. I am not prepared to open wounds again after 7 yrs of this. They spin you round from person to person. It is too much. It is criminal I think - a person has the opportunity to get help to get 'healed'. And they take it away. The person speaks up with what they need - and we are not listened to - instead told what we need. After 7 years - if they don't let me stay with my worker - I walk away from the MH system. And I wouldn't be the first, or the last sadly. So I do really hope yours works out. Sorry for the vent about my situation.

Have you still been doing your drawings or anything creative? I like the ideas on your thread about the oil crayons. I know EM told me about some watercolour paintings (Steiner) I googled the images and even just looking at all the paintings made me calmer. Worth a look 🙂

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

How are you going? I can only imagine. I know these lockdowns are very challenging for you, so hoping you’re hanging in there.

Smart move, accessing more support, esp now. I know you’ve been less than happy with current psych so it sounds like a great move to see what else is out there, while you’ve got some support in place.

It must be tough, the feelings of not having a buddy bubble. How is your neighbour going? Are you able to touch base regularly with her? Even if it’s just someone to chat about the weather and the frustration of lockdown !!

Did you end up connecting with any community gardens? Or aren’t they in the 5k zone.... ( surely gardens are essential???)

I've no clue about lockdowns really, we’ve been so lucky up here. Haven’t had any since last April. Tho there’s several regional areas being locked down around us, so if it keeps spreading it won’t be long.
the last cases I heard were a guy from Sydney who didn’t believe in the virus, so travelled to Byron Bay. Good one! I wonder if he believes in it now??

No art, had my second jab and got sooo sick!

talk soon,

J*

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi sleepy

Thanks for the support on my thread, and for asking about my prac. I think it will be really great to compile resources to direct people to, and as you say, to get feedback on their experiences of using the services too. Definitely important work. The organisation also does outreach into nearby towns, and it’s challenging to work out how to assist people in regional areas where there is less services. There’s also barriers like cost and access to transport to consider.

Today, however, I’ve been in bed again. Really hope the organisation is going to be ok with me working within my limits. Some days are just “nope days”. Although I did tell them up front that that would be the case.

How are you going today anyway? Nice that you have visitors here on your thread. I’m very curious about this easy way to make a bed! Not that I ever make mine, but still…

I’ve just been reading a novel and listening to music today. It’s been quite nice. I couldn’t do people today, and the weather is abominable. Oh, I ordered a book called Atomic Habits, too. Have you read it? I know nothing about it but an online friend said it was great 🙂

Hugs, Katy - and thanks also for the offer of talking if I need. It’s super appreciated x

[ecomama]

Sleepy that's what love is! Caring for someone even when ....

A lazy way to make a bed?
Umm that's MY kinda channel lol.

Tonight I showed p.son how to put his doona cover on his doona "easily". He was rapt lol. Little Mr Organised.

Sleepy I found THE most beautiful YouTube Channel showing how to make nutritious vegan food for really cheap. Like under $2 per meal or such, pick up limes. They look delicious.

I need to watch more men's hair cutting vids next.... no hairdressers or barbers open during lock down and my boys have super thick, curly hair AND are in manager's roles so they don't wear a cap any more... so boing! Hahaha. Not ALL of them are happy that mama is offering to cut their hair.
P. son is rapt lol. Mr Neat and Tidy lol.
One son is buying a clipper set on my credit card tonight.

(I'm not telling the boys but I can't wait to compost their HAIR! If I had worms in my worm farm, they'd gobble it all up lol).

Isn't it interesting how we "change" our perspectives during lock down?
Like EVERY appt is so precious, so we just MAKE ourselves attend. We have anyway.

My last Counselling session for IDK up to 6 months tomorrow night.
I Pray she comes "home" safely. She calls both the U.S. AND Australia "home". Been here almost 30y.
Hope I don't cry when she says goodbye tomorrow night lol!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having as many MH professionals as you need!
I had Counselling all throughout my Trauma Psych work and I'm GLAD I DID.

We'd never deny a person ill in hospital, the services of many doctors and specialists, so same same.
Whatever it takes. You deserve it!

I need to set SET boundaries for work. So difficult whilst we're working from home. But I'll persist. I have to.
My bosses responded to SOME of the boundaries I set then added more lol, same ole stuff.

You sound great Sleepy, so happy about that.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi Katy 🙂

loved to hear your input about the access to resources.. u would be great in helping ppl connect to services!

how has ur prac been? were the org supportive so far and nice?

i hope it's a great experience for u, and i'm sure it's very challenging, don't know how i'd manage a new place and really inspired how u are goig !!

i have had some difficulties with one service i recently accessed, which was basically that i was rejected from the service after i had one counselling service, and told i wasn't eligible. I was able to debrief with someone about it and it made me feel better. I know it's just part of the game at this stage, but it is a bit disappointing to have to open up to someone, let them in, and have hope that they can help you, only to be stuffed around. I'm okay, but annoyed.

I'm doing well, today the news about the lockdown wasn't great, but hopefully I'll manage alright. It's hard living alone in lockdown, but a lot of the challenges i'd probably have without the lockdown as well. I don't have many friends around at the best of times.

I've washed and dried almost everything I own which is nicec to have clean things, and now have to put it all away. There are little things and big things to take care of in my space. THe little things are the cooking, cleaning, and cloth-washing, but the big things are the furniture moving, assembling, and acquiring, as I don't ahve all that I need fully atm. I'm told to delay the big things for a bit, as it's all a bit much, but looking at all the choas and mismatched furniture is also upsetting. Oh well, one thing at a time I guess. What alternative is there?

Sending hugs x

[Guest_1643]

hi J - a guy who didn't believe in the virus lol... that's so cool that you guys have some freedom and haven't had a lockdown since last year!! I'm happy you can live freely in that way! Melbourne has been very draining as they open and shut so often it's hard to keep track. It's very dramatic. One week ppl are so excited and relieved to be able to get out again, so there's parties and gatherings everywhere, and the next week, everyone in their hmes and streets empty. It's weird.

I've been rejected from continued support with one service but still have a social work appointment coming up.... my psych is also around which is not hurting either. He was away for the last weeks and I was a bit distressed about it - so thinking maybe he is okay and helpful in some way?

I have loved using oil pastels and made a picture today 🙂 happy words and colors. Art therapist said if I make somthing to let out the bad feelings its okay... but just tear it up after. I don't know that I'd like that so much. What do yuo think? It feels a bit bad to make something than destroy it, although it is therapeutic.

I would like to get some more art supplies, do u have any tps on paper? how is your art??? i hope it's keeping u held and happy. Such a magical tool. I'm hooked. much love to you x

[Guest_1643]

Hi Golden,

was thinking of you and wandering how thngs are going ? I am here for you, and understand and empthise with so much of what you wrote.

You're so caring here even with so much going on and the services being a massive disappointment.

I was assigned a case manager today, which I've waited for nearly 2 years. It happened with ease now, and was awful and impossible prior. The difference? i have a psychiatrist now, and he referred me. What a joke.

she was nice so that's good 🙂

[Guest_1643]

hi all

thanks for supporting me so much. i'll take it, and absorb it, and say thank you ... i appreciate all the replies

sending love to all here and reading.

I met a man in my therapy group who kept talking about "when i was 28..." (he looked twenty four) - so i asked him his age... "What do you mean, when you were 28, how old are you now?!" he told m his age, which was my age. So I told him - "you look good, younger than that by far," he said "so do you" and i responded, (internatlly i feel about 145 years old at minimum) "I'll take it."
Lol any kindness thrown my way these days during these eternal lockdowns, I'll take it and say thank you!! Thank you all so much!!!!

WIth appointments as Em said, I just have to grab them and hope they work out for me, be as assertive as I can manage without overloading, and try and access the services that will help me.

My social work appointment was meant to be face-to-face next week, they are unable to tell me yet what will happen, the one that sounded nice over the phone, as we continue to be locked down. I can't really cope with telehealth appointments, I feel a bit unsafe really, pouring my heart out to someone without being able to see them and read them, and also feeling so self-conscious about my own face on the screen. It's an added stress for me and always feel a bit off. I'd prefer in person, and hope she will allow it, as they said it's up to her and how busy the centre is, if it is quiet and small they may be able to safely admit ppl to see her face-to-face.

Human contact is so important, and i hate feeling so guilty and limited for wanting it for my MH. I've been locked down for months and just wanting to see a human.

I havent caught up with my neighbour again but will try and check in with her. She has a lovely pet that she's very attached to, which i'd like to know more about. Seems like a sweet animal.

My psychiatrist is around and still seeing me, which is something, I guess. I feel like i'll bombard him with questions and be quite assertive this session. I will write down a little bt before hand of what to ask. I try have in my head a little mantra "Am i leaving the session wth all my qs answered?" i will fight for my needs being addressed and not for them being sugar coated or avoided. I will also have to remind myself that my needs matter. I have to fight away all the trauma voices that say that ts okay for me to come second. My recovery has to come first. I can't forget that!!