Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

hi mark its really hard to feel that way at times, sending care to u, i know how hard it gets.

i remember having no one to pick me up from hospital (psych admission) and feeing that was so depressing to me.

When something really significant happens in ones life is when it hurts me the most.

I was very desperate lately and considered even contacting my family to ask if they would help me financially and then remembered that they wouldnt do that, unless they could abuse and insult me for days afterwoods... so instead i went to a church and got a food and cosmetics pack. Better that way.

Em they had one single chocolate in the pack - and ur right - everyone likes chocolate. It was a violet crumble though, imo a terrible chocolate!

[Guest_1643]

hi everyone - i had my first session today with CASA which is a SA service. I got the same woman who did my intake, M, and she was very nice.

I have some personal matters at the moment regarding processing abuse that happened to me in the past year and a half. It is interesting talking to trauma informed counsellors, i would say it doesn't mean its perfect or perfectly supportive, but it can be good and helpful.

I don't even know wht "better" looks like at this point, only that I know I want to improve It feels like a big gap between being where i am now and being well. I do want to be well.

my psych gave me a tenative diagnosis and i liked it initially but now i don't like it so much anymore

everyone also says I have ptsd, but not 100 percent, just very close. i find this frustrating. I never "fit".

I am plannign to ask him what this "close-enough" business means. Do some ppl have very clear, defined CPTSD? I know ppl find diagnoses really damaging and I kinda agree, but because CPTSD honours my experiences and seems to say that they are real, impactful, and part of what i've struggled with, i've tended to embrace that diagnosis. It doesn't feel harsh to me.

I'd go so far as to say i'm even proud.

At CASA they use the terminology victim-survivor, whic I also identify with more. I don't really like "survivor" because it makes me feel again like the work is on me. Although victimhood is unempowering, being a victim of harm also shows the other person is 100 percent resonsibile, which is sadly, a radical idea today.

I get so sad when ppl insinuate that victims are responsible for the abuse they experience. I could say it 100 times and want to believe it, it was not my fault.

[Boudica]

Hey Sleepy, just wanted to say hello.

Glad you are getting some support. It seems you are really brave opening up and seeking help. Well done you!

[Guest_1643]

thanks Boudica

How are u? Are u well?

Unforuntaely my session with CASA was so traumatc, and then today I had a therapy session and I missed it becaus i flt so low and weak.

The therapist called me today to check if i'm okay, I tried call back but now it's after hours, they said they'd give him a message, I don't know, i'm embarrassed.

My trauma comes up. He called once to check on me, and I ignord the call because i'm trying ot just destress and it came from a private number, my PTSD went through the roof assuming who was calling so I didn't answer. I even hid from the phone for a while, which was just him calling agian.

Anyway what trauma.
i am trauma, gosh.

[Guest_1643]

Thanks Boudaica, I am brave 🙂

so are u!!

nice to see you here around this part of the forums 🙂 have seen u on marks thread and will try stop by at some point. hope ur doing well

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy, sometimes it's just a lot. Even things that others may think are "normal" or even helpful for us to do can be brimming with triggers we may not even recognise.

Then we feel so awful.

Please Sleepy, the last thing for you to think or feel is shame or embarrassment.

Tomorrow is another day.
You can just leave a message on their voicemail, say you'll call back later to make another appt.

I'm really glad that therapist phoned you a few times to make sure you were okay.

I've been thinking of you so much while I've been away helping p.son. It was like I knew something wasn't right.

We're both home now.
The trip was wrought with triggers.... anyway I probably need to think about those. Just so I am calmer next trip.

Remember how you said you'd watched Hillbilly Elegy?
Alexa said I should watch it too.

Well it seems to be wrought with lots of stuff too!

Please let us know how you're doing.

Much love
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi Em

wow that is a lot with p.son, to settle him in to new plcae and to settle him OUT of the old one.I really hope he goes okay there and it helps him find stability and calm after what he went through. Hugs.

so true... easy does it, is the only way. I left a message for him tht i had missed my calls and was available. They have an AH team so i passed that message on to them. I guess they have his mobile so they then must've messaged me, so he called me again and relayed info about a few things he's put into place for me and followed up on, and to check if i was okay. It meant the world and i appreciated it> i'm also glad he did that.

[Guest_1643]

hi all 🙂

after a rough week, today was alright, i took the advice of my CASA house thrapist to go gently over the weekend. Take it easy. Whatever that means, right? anyone else have no idea how to relax?

i watched a movie with Seth Rogen and stayd at home during the day, went to support group as well, which was nice.

haven't been in touch with many ppl in my life besides one friend, and then, only by text message, which is annoying as i rarely see or socialise with anyone. my family only contact me to complain, and i'm not in contact with myparents at all. The relatives i do speak with are not supportive so its more just exhausting. So mostly i'm alone.

i find connecting really hard, and go through phases of wanting ot be alone to wanting to be social. lately i do want to go out and be social, in a safe and not too overwhelming way, but its been so so long. I used covid as an excuse in a way and just stayed indoors more than usual. I go out for walks and to the park, which is my lifeline. Nature is so healing. I don't have a garden (or a bath - two things Id absolutey love for self-care)... so i go to parks or nature. I saw a new park today which i'd like to go and explore. I feel safe in parks and in bookshops. I don't like libraries so much because it's confronting at times but ceratin spaces feel peaceful. I have shocking social anxiety for the last few years after my ptsd experiences... its hard. Its hard to just get out the door, and i become now selective about where i go. Some places i do like what they offer, stores, or cafes, but the vibe is too confronting, so slowly i build up a small "mental list" of plaecs that don't spin me out like that. Particularly hate shopping centres, and too-cool cafes, or places with lots and lots of ppl.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

I can relate to so much of what you’ve posted here. I used to be agoraphobic, but I’m much better now. Still though, I have places I’m comfortable and places I’m not. It’s nice to keep trying to expand that “bubble” though. I hope you do explore that new park, and it works for you.

Connection is really hard, and I think it’s more so when we’re still trying to figure ourselves out. It’s great that you have your support group. Is that new?

Well, Stormy and I are watching the latest season of Atypical on Netflix- have you seen any of it? It’s not too heavy.

Sending hugs, Katy

[Guest_1643]

hi Katy, how you doing today, lovely person?

Netflix showed me Atypical today as a preview and it looks pretty cute, I like the mom, Jennifer Jason Leigh? She's been in some movies I like. I'll have to give it a whirl. I am watching a bit of StarStruck on Abc Iview - it's a pretty cute romcom but there's only 6 or 8 episodes, not a lot, and they're short, so i am savouring them a bit. Other than that I go to the "feel-good" section on netflix, and try find a light watch!

i'm so happy to hear it got easier with the agrophobia, i hope it will just be a stage for me, i did not suffer for this really until 2019, and then it all hit me with a tonne of bricks. Sometimes I am about to go to a place and I just get this "nope" feeling and try and choose somewhere else. It is hard and then sometimes something difficult does happen outside, and I get sad. Today I was a little upset because I learnt that woolworths has a policy in covid of no-returns, and i bought something I wanted to return - still in package, but they were a bit aggressive in it, and said it's on their receits and blah blah blah. I just wanted a little bit of kindness like, we know it's hard. I did not know about this policy and then just felt embarrassed about getting upset.

I think it has just been a build-up of awful, little things. And because they are little, u dont acknowledge that they are awful, and you keep on going, and one day its all these little things that just hurt as a group together.

Sitting warm and cosy after watching netflix and sending warm vibes and drinks to all