Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

HI Hanna

Sorry u have had some hard times too. That's good that u have been able to find treats that make u feel better.
I got two take away coffees today, one i had in the park (it was kinda burnt) and the second one I took home with me.
I've been hanging out at home and trying to feel better.
I cleaned and spoke to a friend for about half an hour on the phone. I have found an NDIS provider to help me apply for the NDIS and am hoping that will go well and help. It sounds daunting but she's very hard-working and promising.

[Guest_1643]

Today everything felt a bit much, but I managed to pick myself up

I was looking at my car, and ther rae constantly cobwebs forming on the mirrrors on the doors, i clean them - they come back. I clean them again, there they are again. I started feeling like - gosh everything is broken.
I also had my coat fixed (because of the puffs, if you remember Shelll) and now it seems to have come unstuck again and is slowly deterioriting. So today i just felt like "Oh, everything around me is slowly falling apart. Slowly and quickly. All of it."

But maybe that's okay?
My home is also in total dissaray but I've been tackling it a little yesterday and today. But still, the sight of such mess, when my head is in such mess is --- a lot.

Then the cobwebs. Then all this frustrating stuff I have to do, just to keep afloat.

I enjoyed sitting in the park today and noticing little bits and pieces. There is a lot of beauty this time of year in nature, and although it's cold, it's still okay to sit outside if you rug up.
I'm trying.

[Boudica]

Hi Sleepy,

Sorry you are down.

Maybe it can be okay for things to be a little broken or worn or a bit messy. I think it is healthy to embrace imperfection (like the japanese philosophy of wabi sabi)

I have the same issue with spiders building webs on my car mirrors. I think the spiders live behind the mirror where you can't brush them off! I have changed the way I look at this. Even though the webs annoy me, I try to be pleased that I have enabled a small ecosystem to develop. In addition to providing a cosy home behind the mirror, perhaps the mirror reflects the light and attracts little bugs and moths for the spider to eat (this is probably not useful to think about if you are someone who is frightened by arachnids). I still struggle to be positive when the herons that live in the gumtree land horrifyingly large fishy poos on my car!

You can only do so much each day, sometimes the carrying the weight of your thoughts will leave you too exhausted for anything else. Any cleaning can wait until you are feeling up to it. Today I summoned the energy to make my kitchen spotless and beautiful, but I couldn't face the mess of potting soil and garden clippings that I made on my porch. Even though the site of it hurts, instead of cleaning it up, I closed the curtain so I could hide from it until tomorrow! Everyone who comes to the house will have to leap over it, so I feel kind of embarrassed though 😞

I can see you're trying really hard Sleepy, and that is everything 🙂

[Guest_1643]

thanks boudica,

u are so right

we only have so mnay hours and so much emotional and physical capacity per day. well done on working on ur kitchen, i hope it will be nice to be in and cook in 🙂

there is a lot of work that goes into keeping a home, and sometimes it feels like "why can't i do this..." but really it is very hard.

I hd a gp appointment today and I forgot to ask him about my NDIS support letter, oops.
I will see him next week so I guess I'll have to do it then. I need to keep up bringing post it notes to sessions. It is so easy to lose track of thoughts. Some ppl recommend bringing someone with u to GP appointments, but I can't think of anyone close enough who would agree to that. So that's sad as well

[monkey_magic]

Hi Sleepy,

It really is about how you choose to see everything and your perspective. Two different people like you and Boudica can look at the same thing is two totally different ways. The outlook we have makes a big difference to the direction of our lives.

Our inner world often reflects our outer world.

My room has been a mess for about a year and with everyone s schedules I probably wouldn't have a friend to take to the doctor's either.

My thinking has expanded though and I do feel better and lighter because I put effort into some things that make me happy.

I too lose my train of thought lol and forget to say or do some things.

I feel you have things to be grateful for. Shelter, transport, food, and a future.

Other people and experiences will continue to shape your life.

It will be ok.

[Guest_1643]

hi Monkey

thanks for your insight and input, i really appreciate it.

I have had some hard times and often want to not be here, but i agree gratitude is everything. hope ur doing okay

[Hanna3]

Hi Sleepy,

The spiders keep rebuilding their webs over my car's rear vision mirrors all the time - drives me nuts! I didn't know other people had the same problem!

Sometimes I find it good to just sit outdoors somewhere quiet where there is a lovely view and just enjoy the peace... I know what you mean about sitting in the park and enjoying nature. This time of year can be beautiful here - I love the bare tree branches against an overcast sky! We had sun today and it gets below zero here at night so little Sam and I just sat outside and soaked up the warmth for a while!

Take it easy. Hugs. oxoxo

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,
Oh big hugs! huge big hugs! I can relate to so much of what you're sharing- the spiders and the house-work/life work, the trying and wanting things to be better, feeling alone when others have someone to support them.

There is no quick fixes to this stuff. I feel like, we got here becos of the way we were raised combined with the way our brains work combined with the struggles we face, and no one thing is going to work. But when you find what works for you, hang onto it! Do it, again and again and again!

For me, the walking thing was something recommended to me by a matter-of-fact older lady who was counselling at a community house when I had PND. She said, I want you to take yourself out the door, with an apple or a bottle of water, walk until you get halfway thru your journey, sit and eat your apple/drink some water, then turn around and come back. I was like....what? What about wisdom and advice and...everything? I was a bit disappointed actually. I wanted answers for why I was feeling this way and she wasn't giving me any. She did explain about endorphins and happy hormones and how moving my body was going to start creating a stockpile in my body again, which was so very depleted of happy hormones! And that was it! Well I continued to see her and talk to her for about 6 weeks, then the counselling ran out. I think it saved me tho.

I thank that lady every day when I go for a walk and it helps me to balance. And 19 years ago, it took time for her treatment to work, and I continued to experience many down times (and still occasionally do, as you know, depending on triggers) but it gave me a way to cope. It gave me a pathway out of where I was.
Keep moving Sleepy girl, you are travelling thru a dark tunnel, and it sounds like you can sometimes see the light at the end. Trust in that, continue to have faith in yourself.
Ps So glad you got some good advice re that medication! Yay! If the medications not right, it must be very hard. I personally am not able to take medication, but thats a very personal and individual thing.
Much love,
J*

[Guest_1643]

Hi Hanna

it is so lovely i agree to be outside. I've never had this problem with spiders before until recent years when I've been without a secure place for my car. I think it depends for me what state of mind i'm in. Small things like that can make me sad when i'm vulnerable.

Hi J

That woman sounds like she saved and had this magic ability to know what someone needs. I've had a few of them, but to few. I haven't taken meds for a long time myself (10 years?) and personally believe that when i took them in my younger years they were very very harmful. I feel scared about meds given to young ppl.

What i take now is very gentle and natural so it's okay, and then when i'm in hospitaal they sometimes give me stuff for short term. I was right that they gave me something not good for me. I was definiely right. doesn't help though, bceause i just feel scard again that i can't trust anyone. I will see my doctor later in the week and need to sort this all out. Don't know if I can continue seeing him if he isn't in tune to my medical and safety needs. But we'll see how he acts when challenged. If he arches up and fights me, i'm done. If he is open and curious and even affected by this previous miscommnication, i'll keep seeing him , for now.

[Guest_1643]

i just can't, at the moment.

i just can't

It's only tuesday.
I spent the weekend in the emergency.
I am tird.
I see my doctor on thursday.
I just can't.

It feels like i can't sort of... move.
time is still and it doesn't make sense, i have nowhere to progress to, to hop, skip and jump onto, no goal...

At the same time, I have a million goals, get into a new course/job, get on the NDIS (progress made with that luckily - found a good person to help!) - confront doctor, clean my house, then move house, see my friends, trial this new (gentle) med for a few weeks so i can comfortably increase it and evaluate change, speak to my sibling, eat healthy meals and learn a few new recipes, maybe do a puzzle, buy a new journal - write, and write, and write. And maybe think about what I can do once on the NDIS - more art, perhaps? Paint, draw and journal. And hopefully also get accepted for case management at the hospital, wihch would make things easier.

And maybe even clean the cobwebs off my car. (!)