Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Shelll -

i am feeling a bit better some how. Yes ur so right and given me a little hope boost.
I don't express myself very well, like I can't cry much. I really can't.
I'm scared to.
I think I would sort of get catharsis through watching or reading something sad, and then I could let the feelings out that way, for the other person or character etc.... easier than for myself.

I'm feeling a bit better,

I am becoming more aware of my inadequecies and all this trauma in my body, a lot of pain. I actually had a massage today - it really helped me.
I would like to get it again. It was cheap for a massage but really interesting. She told me about infant massage, and how massaging infants can help their development and how human touch helps.
It made me sad but also in my body I feel like of course that's true. I try overthink everytihng but a simple hug can do so much more.
I can't express myself easily in the written word at the moment but it's a powerful tool - and music and even just reading someone elses stories....thanks shellly xx

[Guest_1643]

the moon is really beautiful tonight, to anyone who has a chance. x stunning.

i have had this issue with connection recently - i don't have real friends. i have lots of friends who arent really in touch often and are preoccupied and i couldn't name one person i trust entirely. i feel very vulnerable.

Sometimes when I am in crises they offer peer support - and that is very refreshing to me, you get to talk to someone who has lived experience with MH, mayb they have been hospitalised themselves, or they have a menta health condition they are managing, or have had an encounter in the MH system like gone to groups there or the ED for mental health. And they just chat to u like about movies and interests.
it's a place in between clinical help and help of a friend. obviously they are paid to do this role, but they approach it more like a friend, like non judgemental. thats what i really crave, i feel very isolated and wish i had a good friend.

hope i haven't made anyone sad and thank u for all the friendly and caring ppl here

[Guest_1055]

Yes it is hard to express what we want to say in words sometimes. Please don't feel pressured to respond to me, it really is ok Sleepy.

Ah a massage... That sounds really calming. Good move of yours. I have heard too about the physical touch of massage. Like there is healing in it, the healing energy from the other person. Don't fully understand the science behind it. Oh cute little bubbas, so sweet. Yes I would believe that about massaging babies and cuddling them. It can calm them right down, bring much soothing to their little hearts. Em would properly know much about that, since she has been a lot around little ones.

Do you ever hug your pillow? I do when I feel sad.

And no pressure to reply sweet dear Sleepy.

Oh I haven't heard of that pimple thing... Cannot remember the word you gave it though.

xx

[Boudica]

Good Morning Sleepy,

Sorry you are not doing so well just now. Unfortunately, sometimes the things people say and do to try and help when we are down seem to trivialize our pain (like the go and smell the lavender comment). Often they have good intent, but they do not know how to reach us in the dark.

Art can be such an outlet, I loved it as a child, spent all my time drawing, right up until I had my first baby at 18....no more time after that! I think when I have time for myself again I would like to go back to it. My Grandmother used to paint when she retired, I hope one day I will do that too.

Do you have things like that, that you have in your mind for the future, things that you hope for? I have been struggling a bit at the moment to, so I am looking for something I can plan in my future to give me a window out of today. I am thinking of planning a trip down to walk the overland track in Tassie at the end of the year. It will give me something to hold on through the blahh.

How do you feel about the covid outbreak, does it effect you at all? Luckily we have had a very easy journey here in SA compared to VIC.

Thinking of you

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

watching Betty blue and catching up with you- it’s such a good movie! Confronting and heartfelt.
I do believe in the power of movies or music to touch those inner spaces where we have locked away our emotions. The arts holds so much value, way beyond the economic value sometimes attributed to it.

dearest Sleepy, thankyou for valueing your journey, and where you are at. I think we can all relate.
I used to think I would never be able to experience life differently, that I would always feel confused and befuddled, at a loss with life and who I was in this life. But somehow life started to fall into place and make sense, and I believe it will for you too.
I know it’s tough when you feel all alone and like no one in real life gets you. But this will come.

I get you!

You are not alone.

much love,

J*

[Boudica]

Hello,

Sorry, my last message was a little out of step, as I was replying to your earlier one from the day before (how confusing!), I am not sure what went wrong there.

It's great you feel comfortable getting a massage, if it works for you, do it more!

I think you are doing well seeking support for yourself, even if it turns out to be not quite right. I was supposed to see a counsellor the other day, for the first time in my life, but cancelled, as I just realised I couldn't do it. I wanted to talk through current anxiety issues related to balancing uni / my seriously ill family members / day to day stress of looking after special needs child, but I was just too afraid that if I start, it will bring up old childhood stuff which I do not want to touch. I have had really bad periods in my life, but have never felt comfortable talking to someone that is paid to sit there and listen to me, the whole situation just freaks me out. My ex tried unsuccessfully for years to get me to a psych! I think you are super being able to do this, and to keep seeking help even when the help sometimes lets you down. It is great self care

I often like very sad movies. To me they are movies with meaning that speak to me, not because they are sad. Two old Lars Von Trier movies come to mind for me, Breaking The Waves and Dancer In The Dark. They are movies that leave you absolutely gutted though and they can be quite triggering for many reasons, so I would not recommend anyone watch them unless ready for some emotional turmoil. But I love the main characters, and can just really relate to them, they are so pure and self sacrificing, but trapped in a world that is not equal to them. They are desperately sad movies. Jstar, I remember Betty Blue, it's a great film, but haven't seen it for years.

Happy weekend

[Guest_1055]

Good Morning Sleepy, J* and Boudica

What are you up to today Sleepy? The sunshine is out.

You mentioned something about the moon a few posts back. It was quite beautiful and large the other night. Looking up in the night sky, can be interesting. Such a huge expanse of openness. Love it.

Hope you have a beautiful day today. And guess I am just checking on you too, maybe you will curl up with a book, or sip your hot chocolate, sit in the sunshine if you have any there.

[Guest_1643]

hi all

[Guest_1643]

the moon was so pretty, great that u got to see it too shelll... it is expansive and freeing and pretty

i've been doing a lot of art this week and had some classes as well

now with the lockdowns i'm feeling a bit lost

met some nice ppl but bit freaked out with everything locking down

i got some crises support from the hospital and spent some time there.... and seeing my doctor

boudica - it's okay that u didn't feel ready to go to counselling - i an understand that it's daunting and u have to be ready... i've gone for a little while but it took a bit of research to find someone i liked

it wasn't the first person and it wasn't either from a gp referral or suggestion, i had to do a tonne of research and also see some ppl i didn't like

the person who told me to sniff lavendar.... lol i didn't like her manner and she didn't take the time to get to know me... it felt simplistic... i've found out that for me it's all about the relationship, the curiosity of the person, not jsut to give blanket suggestions....personalised care.

I have a good rapport with my current psych and I don't feel forced etc.... if you do decide to go or not go i totally understand and support you either way 🙂

I've tried a tonne of stuff and some of it I wouldn't recommend, and it's not a fix all but i think a great therapist can work wonders although is so hard to find.

Hope I didn't say to much and definitely don't mean to be pushy... here for u to talk whatever you need 🙂

Wishing I had some roommates or visitors, or company around this lockdown, ur friendships here give me so much hope i can get that support too IRL eventually

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

I just wanted to check in on your thread and see how you're going. I'm sorry to read that you're in lockdown again. I'm sure that's very challenging. I hope it's short lived.

Was thinking about one of your earlier posts, around holding trauma in our body. I hope it's ok to share here because I don't want to trigger you, that's not my intent. After I lost my baby I had really "bad thoughts" and I kept trying to tell my GP and pscyh that the thoughts were coming from my body, not my mind. I now feel that it was because my trauma needed to be expressed. I was reading some writing by an indigenous woman, on grief, that talked about the need to let our pain out of our body. Anyway, what am I getting at here? Someone suggested to me to try trauma informed yoga. I wanted to mention it to you - although I realise it's not practical at the moment.

I love that you do so many things to try and help yourself. It's really inspirational. Sending caring thoughts to you. Katy