Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1055]

Did you grow up not expressing emotional stuff Sleepy? Or not feeling free to. I did.

I wish I had answers to help you release all of the pent up sadness. Help you to let it all go.

I am sorry Sleepy

[Guest_1643]

hi Shelll, very very much so, i was always bottled up and told it's not okay to be sad or to have any feelings

now i feel it coming up a lot, just all these memories and pain and i wish i could vent it out freely but i feel somehow... i don't have the skills. i don't know how.

I still have this fear that i'll get in trouble or be judged if i exress something negative....i try every thing i can do on my own to manage it, rather than express it. and yet i do want so much to express it and to be angry and upset and in pain, which is my true human experience.

I like to be positive and upbeat but it's not natural all the time, is it? everyone feels sad. thank u shellly

[Guest_1055]

No I don't believe it is natural. I too had it bottled up. Anger as well. Emotions where all just stuffed down within me. Until one day it all exploded. Some emotions I did not even know the name of. The anger was not a good to experience . I didn't know what to do with that. How to handle the anger. No one had showed me.

Maybe your bottled up feelings and emotions are getting stired up some. I am just speculatiing, I really don't know. Since you can feel them coming up.

I am really sorry you are feeling sad. It is a valid feeling. Would a hug help you do you think?

Trying to think... Think I wrote a list a few times. It was from painful memories of years gone by. Something like this.. Nope lost my train of thought.

[Boudica]

Hello Sleepy,

Just checking in on you. I think you are doing quite well expressing yourself, as you manage to see therapists and talk to them about what is going on in your head. You must have made huge progress to get to that point. While there are still things perhaps that you hold back, and feelings you can't express, give it time and let yourself ease into expressing them, start small.

I am not someone who expresses emotions either. I don't think anyone ever told me I couldn't, I think it just does not come naturally to me. Perhaps also mirroring family and responding to their expectations plays a role too. I don't think I fully realised that others had an unexpressed inner world until I was close to adulthood, I felt I was different. But actually all of us have things that are kept inside, where you draw the line depends on trust of others, and what you want to hold on to.

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy and all I to have trouble expressing myself and keep everything bottled up and it seems to be easier that way growing up as a child doing it.It is only natural to do it in your adult life.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Shelll,

i have thought the same, that perhaps its an okay thing maybe and they are coming to the surface, all feelings from a long time ago. I've lived most of my life quite numb, sad to say. Didn't cry much or laugh much or get anywhere strong emtions.
I laughed a lot yesterday which felt so soothing and now also hope at one point tears won't scare me. I get teary quite a bit, but I don't sob.
I just feel sadness but it passes and i'm not one to really let it out 😞

Thank u a hug is perfect x

[Guest_1643]

hey Boudaica, thanks for checking in, i just want to let u know i appreciate you writing here. thank u for your care.

Today has been a bit blah but I am managing

how are u?

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,
Darling woman! When I read your post I just wanted to grab you and watch a sad movie with you and ball our eyes out!
I can relate (as usual!) to what you've said about wanting to have a good cry and not quite feeling able to. When I feel like that I journal, quite a bit, I retreat to my room, and my bed, I hug myself and then I let myself cry. Or I dance, sing, walk on the beach and scream to the waves. (I have a beach nearby which is sometimes very isolated)
But....I have spent a lot of time in my life learning how to do that. There was never much privacy in my home growing up, and my dad still thinks emotions are...weak or uncontrolled or something- he does subtle put downs around emotions and related behaviour. So. Not safe.
I got involved in rebirthing/breathwork for many years, as well as meditation groups. Breathwork first! It also helped to be around ppl who were on a path of being very accepting of emotions, and encouraging to me and others about embracing how we were feeling. Lots of tedious community meetings as a result of everyone having the time and space to express how they felt about certain decisions that had to be made! This was in my hippy days.
It takes time, and openness, and it's not easy on your own.
One thing I have learnt is that, we will never allow ourselves to 'go deeper' than we can trust ourselves to go. So with expressing emotions, you can trust yourself to 'let go' becos your soul won't take you into a deeper place than you can handle at that particular time. Which could be why you're not letting go in your sessions with psych- you don't feel safe.
Dear Sleepy, I hope that something clicks for you soon, and you can find someone to release with, or find a safe space on your own to have a good cry.
Huge hugs and gentle love,
J*

[Guest_1055]

Hi all,

Yeah we are similar in some ways Sleepy and you to J*. I have screamed into the waves. And also many times in the car, while I am driving alone. From pent up incredible frustration and anger.

I am so glad you laughed Sleepy. Very healthy for us, so I have heard. I have trouble laughing but when I do, it does feel soothing and nice. Not sure if nice is the right word. It took a while for me to feel a bit more unlocked. So more free to let any emotions out. Maybe it will happen in time for you like J*said. And when you feel safe. I think when I felt loved... by God and my sister as an adult. Things started to move within my bottle. Vulnerability is mixed up in all that I think. But I am not vulnerable or open with most people....can feel scary.

Sobbing can be exhausting Sleepy. Maybe your body just doesn't have the energy or too tired to do it. Just a thought there. Again I have no idea.

So glad you laughed though. Way good.

[Guest_1643]

hi J, Shelll, i'm so thankful for ur gentle and caring messages.

from the bottom of my heart i want to send you that and tell u how amazing i find ur support. thanks

I have had a hard few days and appreciate it.

I don't know what stage I am at yet of healing... it's hard to self reflect and identify where i am. it's all a muddle and a mess and i feel so scared of this process. so much like it's weighted not in my favour and i can't get there.