Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,
You don't need to harden up beautiful! Altho I must add, that part of my recovery def involves being selective about who I share my soft inner mushiness with. And as I've gotten better, I'm more able to dissemble/cover up my vulnerability, when I'm not up to it. Some days are just tough hey. It sounds like hospital is a mixed bag- I can imagine you would have needed to be selective about how much you told some people. SO hard when you're feeling vulnerable! Like when you get on the phone and start telling your story, only to discover that they just want the short version so they know who to pass your call on to.......I've done that! Started to offload, with relief, only to discover she's the admin and can't help me!! But will hopefully put me on to someone who can.
I LOVE boots! I reckon I did look pretty cool in them- LOL! I was young, and so much cooler then 😉
Living in a cold climate teaches so much about staying warm. People who live in mild climates seem to just whinge about the cold, while wearing a tee shirt....pretty dumb if you ask me. Put a jumper on! I tell my H.
You mentioned layers in a previous post. I reckon that is the heart of staying warm. The singlet, followed by the long sleeved top, then a vest and jacket, or jumper. A wind proof jacket to really stay warm outside in windy areas. Doesn't matter how much wool you're wearing, the wind will go straight thru it.
Leggings can be tucked into warm socks, and a skirt worn over top. Skirts are really easy to make, if you're interested. Just a tube of stretchy fabric over top of leggings can double the warmth factor. gathered skirts are super easy and the extra fabric allows for all sorts of possibilities! I don't know what sort of clothes you like to wear tho.
I often used to wear stockings under my jeans. My Victoria jeans were a much heavier weight than my NSW jeans!
I love wool- can you wear it? If you can, thin woollen layers are the best. They trap the heat like nothing else. You could start building your winter wardrobe one piece at a time. I've seen woolen thermals in Target before, just an underlayer type long sleeved top. Leggings too sometimes.
Add a scarf and a beanie, and you're toasty!

Blundstones are awesome! Maybe you could get some budgeting help and figure out how to get the things you need, by being careful with your money. Afterpay might be an option too, if you know you can pay it back without causing hardship. Maybe one thing at a time.

Cheers,
J*

[Jstar49]

Hot water bottles!!!

[Guest_1643]

hi J - definitely hospital is a mixed bag! U lose power a bit, and have to deal with random nurses and doctors who sometimes feel too intrusive. I read the book - Quiet by Susan Cain about the power of introverts, which I related to, in that I prefer deep relationships with select ppl and need space (which u don't get in a hospital).

It was a mixed bag because i loved some of the staff but others just upset and irritated me. I didn't know any of that about rugging up in winter!!! I fear i'm one of those melbournians who just doesn't know how to dress for the cold.
I saw a girl wearng blundstones today and got inspired.... i asked her what they were and she confirmed they were blundstones!

I try and buy boots second hand from op shops but it's luck to get my size. When the stars align though it can be pretty magical 🙂

I'll check out target for those woolies, they also have some at uniqlo but i've never bought anything from there....

how is ur new job going? i know what u mean about being selective with who you share with. It is not good for us to get the yucky responses some ppl who just aren't there yet with being open respond when we share....

When I got unwell and went into hospital a few friends freaked out and than distanced themselves. So I distanced myself back which made them angry.

But then a few became much closer to me and it helped me increase my self-esteem to know I had the simple choice to select - who I'd let in. I didn't have to "figuire out" all the rejection and confusion from those who just weren't able to be there. I just moved on and let it go. And got closer to the friends I did connect to.

i love women who make their own skirts.... and i love a hippy look of skirts over pants.

Free and flowy.... love it

[Guest_1643]

i have a hot water bottle !!

Great self-care suggestion! Let's all bring 'em out again.
It's stuffed up in a cupboard. I'm on it!

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy, you're more than human, you're a magnificent human being.

Could be a trauma thing appreciating manners, I notice it so much too.

Community Gardens are open to everyone and usually 24/7!
None of the Community Gardens here charge a CENT for any produce whatsoever.

You can just walk in and pick anything you want to eat, ANY TIME.
In fact we all ENCOURAGE you all to!!
PLEASE DO!!!

Go bananas lol.

Some may have signs to let you know of all this.
Some have "Opening Hours" possibly because of vandalism IDK.

None of ours are ever locked here thank goodness. Some have no fences at all.

And there may be a "Gathering Time" posted on their gates... or you could sign up to a Newsletter, as some of ours are.
Some have free Workshops about all sorts.
Weekly working bees.

A wide variety of activities occur in these gardens, it depends on what the volunteers WANT to have happen there.

I went to the most marvellous workshops for many years... one was a natural dyeing workshop and was so much fun! Using all sorts of plants to create different coloured dyes and dyed our clothing right there lol.
Basket weaving with natural fibres collected from plants... the list is endless.

PLEASE PICK THIS FOOD everyone!
It's WHY people began Community Gardens!
To enrich the feeling of "Community" and to eat fabulous fresh organic food!

Quite often food gardeners like myself would take in huge baskets of excess foods to share, like mangoes, stone fruit, chokoes, citrus fruit, anything we had that was surplus to our own needs and we wanted EATEN lol.

Usually zero cost for anything.
If there IS a cost, say for the shared lunch, it's usually a gold coin donation, maybe for the bread.

Phone them up and ask your list of questions Sleepy. Nothing lost, only gained.

Love to you.

HAPPY you've found your hot water bottle lol. Those inventions are awesome.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em!!
Thanks so much that sounds great!!

Basket weaving is a common hospital thing to pass the time. I didn't have the patience for it but I loved the baskets!!!

I was a bit not in the headspace for the arts and crafts at hospital but they are very popular!

I found a garden i like and i'm going to contact them. Ur right - many are open 24/7 (this sounds awesome).
Places like that which don't close or are open late to the public are Verrrry important for vulnerable ppl who just need a safe place to be.

In America i remember some of the stores were open til 11pm and that appealed to me totally. Thanks so much for this recommendation for the garden. Love it. I can see it gives you a lot of joy and that you thrived making and contributing, what a beautifl and natural way of living xx

[Jstar49]

Hi beautiful ppl!

Manners ARE important!

I think we've skipped the generation of adults holding children to account- say please! I find myself saying it and thinking- do I sound old??? I don't care- you sound rude! lol.

LOVE that you love the hippy flowy skirt look Sleepy. If you're checking the op shops, remember to look for a beautiful one in blues and greens- maybe it will remind you of me, your friend 😍

Boots and skirts are so cool! And now we have a new name for it- BOHO!

You can even throw an oversized woolly jumper into the mix and it's divine!

I always make sure I have something I can strip down to, like a tee or singlet, for warm days. Layers! Like an onion Shrek!

I love being an introvert- or maybe I'm an ambivert? I haven't quite decided.....but it is hard sometimes explaining it to others. I'm extremely private about some things, like personal expression eg dance , art, writing....Not only do I want to be private about these things, I also want a space to be held which verges on sacred......

I can understand you not wanting to weave baskets in hospital Sleepy. Maybe the gardens will be more conducive...? I love that you're making enquiries- Go you!

Maybe dressing for the weather isn't helped by airconditioning, come to think of it. I don't cope well with air con, I am usually dressed too warmly, or coolly, in order to be comfortable in the natural environment. I guess thats how ppl cope. One big coat that can be thrown off in the air con office....One thing I love about my job is that I'm outside or in my car a lot, and not stuck in an office. I would truly go mad...

Today was a weird but excellent day. I told my H that I'm full of other ppls stories. He said not to tell him, cos he doesn't want to be full of their stories too. It makes me sad that I can't share this sense of being involved in ppl's lives, with him. He doesn't get it at all. To him it's just a job. To me it's....a calling almost. ( I really must not tell him anyway, privacy and confidentiality, but the way he responded was kinda...alienating)

I have a pattern in a kids knitting book for a stripy hot water bottle cover. Hmm- so many projects, so little time!

LOVE that you have been able to sort the 'wheat from the chaff' with your wellness journey Sleepy. We do find out who our friends are, don't we. Especially if we can be objective about it, and not blame ourselves, or anyone in fact. Just keep looking for the open doors. Attune ourselves to safety and health.

Love

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hi J!

I can see how that would be alienating from h. I think the best ppl are full of stories - it shows u are listening and invested in others! Stories like that do make us richer. How are u feelig about ur job and all these stories being shared with u? How do they encourage u to debrief? You have a beautiful heart and they are lucky to have you to share with. It does sound like a calling for u and so meaningful.

I need a skirt and boots and to weave baskets lol. At hospital I just got discouraged when one of the women weaving a basket told me how long it had taken her. 6 hours. It sounded too much for me. I'm spending a lot more time outside these days too and it's totally changed my life around. Big trees!! So cool that ur job allows that - so good for mood!!

I'll have to look for that colorful skrit at the opps! I bought a (brand new, still wrapped) cheap ikea lemon candle at the oppe shop last time I was there. I burned it for the first time yesterday and it is so so lemon. Pretty strong. I bought it really just for the colour.

I think losing friends is a part of building a happy life.... paradoxical? Wheat from the chaff for sure. It hurts so much at the time but i guess it's necessary. I'm grateful for the ones that stuck around. Missed u so much around here J but glad ur work is so fulfilling, if heavy at times!

[Guest_1055]

Thinking of you Sleepy. And hoping you are OK there

[Draven_J]

I am In a Extreme Challenge Facing my Life Going forward, I am Struggling to get my Driving Standard's, For Numerous Reason's

I am Mis Diagnosed with Schizophrenia and constantly Treated for 8 Years, I have contracted Pre Diabetes Type-2 and had my Gallbladder Removed

I am a Extremely Humble and Down to Earth Person, and I am not relating to Modern Society and my Generation, Their so Modern and I'm not Narcissitic, I'm Gentle and Sweet and Withdrawn, and Sensitive, and Most Modern People are Over Confident and Self Important, and Heartless, and they are constantly Opinionated and Intrusive, I am seen as Social Aniexty, for being Socially Selective, and Un able to have a Generic Life, and Knowing how to meet people of my Personality, Values & Virtues Taste, I struggle with Self Esteem so much

I have concerns with Direction for Suitable Entry Job's and Financial Stability, and besides Job Recruiter or Staffing Agent's, I wouldn't know how to get Job's, Seeing I don't have Net Work, I am not wanting Generic University, and If I went to a TAFE, It would Only be a Cert IV Nutrition, Only If within Proximity and with 120 Hours Work Experience and Concession Affordable Cost's

I am constantly On and Off and Resentful with My Father and his Subjective and brings Conflict, He always makes you feel you need to explain yourself, and with my Lovely Mum, She takes Responsibility from my possibility as a Helicopter Type, despite meaning to help me In Her Own way

I get Extremely bothered by Toxic Masculinity, from Thinking about them and By Possibility of Interactive Encounter's

I lack the Ability to Pursue Creativity for so many Reason's