Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (and a wave to all),

Thank you, as always, for your gorgeous support. I often say it’s so important not to take people for granted, & it’s something that I truly believe. Thank you for making time for me, despite your own struggles. It means a lot...

I’m very pleased that the last few days have been kinder to you, & that your spirit was lifted a little. What precious moments of relief for your beautiful self 🙂

The rice paper rolls and dipping sauce sound divine. I know that you gave me a satay peanut butter recipe. Is that the same one?

You’re welcome to share as many recipes as you like. It makes me smile when you’re talking about things that you love, such as cooking 🙂 Also, I think that it shows a generous spirit that you would want to share your passions with me & anyone else who might be reading along.

I smiled to learn that you also like to talk to non-humans sometimes. I bet your chatter helps your garden bloom 😉

Sometimes things get a bit much for me. Life is hard, as it is for most people. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my emotions...

Sometimes there’s literally nothing or little that I can do in the practical sense...sometimes it just hurts, but there’s no remedy or quick fix (or even necessarily a “long-term” fix). Sometimes bad things happen...that’s just life.

But the minute that I can tell a story, things are a tiny bit better. Whether it’s paint or pen or choreography or gardening (or whatever each person’s preference is), it’s saying something. It’s a little like saying “Here’s my story. You may or may not understand it. You may or may not even care. But I’ve said it. I’ve said something. I’ve conveyed something.”

On that note, I stumbled upon the following quote about a week ago & it really spoke to me, so I wanted to share it with you:

If you miss someone who does not miss you, or who is no good for you, or who is unattainable, take all the love you once felt for them & spread it around other places. Put your love in worthwhile people & things, turn the romance into passions for hobbies or admiration for others- enrich your life.

- unknown

I hope you enjoyed time at the beach. I know how much peace that brings you. I hope you’re spending time with your mrs b and doggies as well 🙂

I would love to hear about your latest beach adventure and/or garden. Also, how has your week been going, my friend?

Thank you for your friendship & love..

Much love to you & your family xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hi gorgeous friend,

I absolutely love that quote. I have had a longrunning theme in my life the last five years or so where i have all this love that i no longer know where to "put".

That quote just says exactly what i needed to hear. And i guess I'm doing it, to a certain extent. How about you? I would love to hear more about your creative endeavours, or anything else you'd like to share?

I love it when i hear that you are expressing yourself, releasing those feelings and emotions.

I'm a wreck the last few days. Surviving. But I'm ok.

Just checking in with you.

Tell me anything you feel like saying.

I'm listening.

🌻b xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi darling friend/b (& a wave to all),

Would you like to talk about what has been going on and/or your feelings?

I care about you and I’m here for you, and I want you to know that. But I also understand that sometimes you don’t want to discuss certain things, and that’s naturally okay too. Whatever you need, I will support and extend my love and friendship 🙂

My friend with the huge heart...I’m glad that quote moved you. Can I ask how have you been channeling that love?

I would think that gardening must be one of them 😉

It has been a long day. To be fair, most days are long days for me these days (laughs). I am just processing things...thinking about how my own behaviours & thoughts sometimes contribute or exacerbate my problems.

I feel my response to a situation can improve or worsen things, & I think that’s what I’m working on...my response chain...

To nurture resilience. I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again, I think bad things unfortunately happen at times...I think it’s not about avoiding bad things (they’re inevitable to a degree) but it’s about learning to cope/respond in more functional ways. That’s what I’m trying to learn.

For example, for a very long time, offline people would take from me with little to offer in return. It’s not about tit-for-tat or keeping score, but I feel a degree of reciprocal caring isn’t unreasonable ....

For my part, I put myself in that situation. For my “50%”, I let (offline) people take from me...I feel it’s not about being hard on myself or self-critical, but it’s about sometimes needing to take a good, hard look in the mirror to understand what I have been, at least in part, doing to myself/let happen to me...

The following quote almost literally stopped me in my tracks:

We subconsciously seek situations to act our old emotional wounds until we are able to heal them.

- Dr. Nicole LePera

As for channeling my feelings. I’ll tell you something amusing. I don’t typically show what I do to most people; it’s (usually) a private thing.

Long story short, a few strangers stopped me & said that they liked my work. Said that I was “talented.” Talented or not is less relevant, but it was about how on some level, my art communicated something to them. A feeling, aesthetics, a story, an instinct...something...& it made me realise that I can tell stories. Not necessarily in the traditional way, but in my own way.

Having a voice is empowering & having people listen is validating 🙂

Love from me to you xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello lovely friend,

It sounds some circumstances in your life are encouraging some soul searching - a really healthy thing to do. If you would like to talk more about anything that's happened, I'm listening, but i understand if not as well ❤

It's so good that you're taking stock of some relationships or situations that you find yourself in (or put yourself in), and weighing up how positive they really are.

That quote is an important one i think, and i think it's true that we, or our subconscious, or our higher selves, (or however you like to think of it), keep leading us back to scenarios until we've learnt what we need to learn. Boy oh boy do i know that to be true.

It's a huge step in recognising and valuing your own needs as just as important as others. I can sense that snap of awareness in you - keep looking after that precious Pepper.

It is also brilliant to hear that you are feeling heard and validated by some of those around you with whom you chose to share your art. It is such a personal and soulful form of communication, and they are blessed to have been able to share in what you have created. I hope you keep going.

Yes i guess i have channelled a lot of that spare love into this garden I'm making, and into my little family and home here. I had a period of time where my art kindof took off (in a good way) for me for a while. That has taken a backseat recently - but it will return, i trust that it will.

I am doing better - i was triggered by something earlier in the week and went into a bit of an anxiety spiral where i wanted to burrow deep into a hole and avoid the world at large. I kind of let myself become a bit if a wreck, and now I'm ready to pull my socks up again.

Have you had a better day today?

Love to you,

🌻b xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I can imagine the vast love & tenderness that you pour into your gorgeous family & home 🙂 It really is your sanctuary. A place to both give love & receive it. That’s very special, my friend...nourishment...

I feel sad that you’ve been struggling. I know triggers can be very rough; they take a lot out of you emotionally. Gentle hugs from me and comforting thoughts...

It’s no wonder that you felt the spiral...that said, I feel very proud of how you’re trying to cope. I know it can’t be easy, & if you ever want to chat, you have a friend in me. Absolutely no pressure or obligation though...I’m saying that I’m here, that’s all...

I believe you. I trust your ability. I believe when you’re ready, emotionally & physically, that the art will find you (or is it the other way around?). One way or the other 😉

Thank you, as always, for your beautiful support. It truly does mean a lot to have your friendship. Blessed, really I am...

I think sometimes, even if unintentionally, we create our own self-fulfilling prophecies. For example, if a person has spent their whole life/grew up believing that they can’t count on anyone to be there for them, they might (subconsciously) seek out people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, flakey, self absorbed, etc...which then of course reinforces & validates their original worldview that they can’t count on anyone...I think this relates a little to the quote that I mentioned in my previous post...

I think to alter the course of where we’re heading, it requires consciousness. To think before leaping...to make decisions more consciously, rather than relying on habit or mindlessness...also, to understand how sometimes it’s our own behaviours that might need changing...

I think some (offline) people are just taking advantage...& I have truly reached my upper limit with some of them. I don’t want to cause a scene. In fact, I can’t even be bothered talking to them, as that means using my finite time & energy. I’ll just keep a polite distance, & that will tell them everything they need to know...

Here’s to change...

Do you have any beach or gardening plans this week, dear friend? I care about you very much & you’re always welcome to share anything (if you want to)...

As I said before, you have a friend in me 😉

With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello lovely friend ❤

I think it is wise and self-nurturing to walk away from those situations in which you feel they are taking advantage.

Explaining or justifying your stance can sometimes help, but often in these situations it either goes straight over their heads anyway (especially the über self absorbed ones), or stirs up unnecessary angst & the best thing to do is turn your back & walk away. I have had to do that too, sometimes just for self-preservation.

I agree with how you described the self-fulfilling prophecies, & definitely making more conscious and mindful (rather than mindless habit) is a major step towards unhooking from toxic or unhealthy relationships.

I think sometimes we unconsciously act out of our own woundedness - we developed ways to keep ourselves safe or feeling loved somehow when we were younger, & now we're outgrowing those ways, or recognising that they're not helpful or that they're keeping us stuck in a place we no longer want to be.

I think that's where the healing you mentioned comes in - looking at the *reasons behind* why we get ourselves into these relationships, or why we keep accepting a certain behaviour from people, & then addressing those underlying reasons or issues

A mindfulness teacher and psychologist i like to listen to sometimes (Tara Brach) talks about a tool she uses with people when dealing with difficult emotions, relationships, situations etc, it's an acronym: RAIN and the way you are describing your process now kind of reminds me of it.

It stands for:

Recognise (whatever is going on in your life eg: The unhelpful, limiting and unbalanced relationships you find yourself in),

Allow (let yourself feel your feelings without judgement, eg: You might feel angry or irritated because you feel taken advantage of, or feel drained or resentful because there is a lack of reciprocal caring),

Investigate (look into the situation with gentle attention eg: You are thinking about reasons why you might get into these relationships or accept certain behaviours),

Nurture (eg: You hold yourself with compassion and realise that you can look after these old wounds or old habits with gentleness and you no longer need to be in those unhealthy dynamics, you are nurturing your growth beyond these limiting strategies that no longer serve you).

And you can use this cycle of inquiry again & again for lots of different feelings, situations, relationships etc.

Your process just really reminded me of that, so i thought i would share it, not that I'm telling you anything you don't already know, or are not already doing - i am just recognising your wisdom & smart way of moving through this whole process.

Go you ❤

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you, as always, for your love & support. Your insight, caring & making time for me means a lot, dear friend 🙂

How brave, even if very painful, of you to walk away from those situations. It couldn’t have been easy...

I like what you said here...

...sometimes we unconsciously act out of our own woundedness - we developed ways to keep ourselves safe or feeling loved...

But I wonder, is that even “love”...is it really love or is that just fear in disguise? I suppose it depends on who’s asking (laughs)...

I agree with you that our reasons for tolerating certain things or repeating the same relationships, with different people each time, speaks volumes...volumes about what we haven’t yet resolved within ourselves...

Thank you so very much for sharing RAIN with me 🙂 I’ll have to let it sink in a bit...

You know how they say that the opposite of love isn’t hate: it’s indifference? I actually think there’s some wisdom in that...hate requires a lot of energy & effort. Hate is an effortful emotion...a person still exerts a lot of energy quietly seething...

But when someone is indifferent...I feel it’s effortless. A person just doesn’t care anymore. I think that’s where I’m at...

If I truly cared, I would be more likely to argue or try to assert my views (even if they’re not responsive or listening). I would fight for a relationship or friendship if I cared...but the thing is I don’t care anymore...I’ve emotionally checked out of a lot of things...

Thank you again for your beautiful wisdom & caring. I hope that I’m not boring you (laughs)...

How is your weekend looking and how have things been for you, dear friend?

I know you’ve had some recent struggles. I know sometimes that you want to talk, whereas other times you don’t...sharing or not, my hand of friendship is always extended.

Thank you for being my friend 🙂

Warm hugs & much love to you, mrs b and the rest of your beautiful family xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello lovely 😊

No, i don't think it's real love - i meant that we found ways to make ourselves *feel* safe and loved, when really, we weren't safe or loved at all. And that's where our woundedness lies. Those strategies served us and were effective for us for a time, in terms of survival, but now we recognise that they're... i can't think of the right word, but *unhelpful* will do for now.

I think I'm trying to describe like an *unlearning* of tactics that made us *feel* loved or worthy or whole, back in the day.

The RAIN thing might be better explained on her website if you're interested, but i know what you mean, it took me a while for it to sink in and click into place.

Yep, i totally understand the indifferent feeling. It can be kind of liberating in its own special way! It frees up such a lot of energy to channel elsewhere and into constructive stuff like what we were talking about before. I'm glad you're not expending precious energy getting caught up in the toxic cycle of negativity, and are able to switch off and walk away. Awesome!!

I'm feeling a bit tired, i think i am kind of recovering after that anxiety spin cycle. I used to live on that stuff, and now i just feel wiped from it!!

I don't have any special plans for the weekend ... have to see what this crazy weather is doing as well. Had plans for a pocnic the other evening at the beach, but it went feral so had to change plans. I kind of feel like flaking out on the couch with a good book.

How about you, do you have anything interesting lined up?

I'm about to start homemade pizzas👍

Love to you,

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I think some quiet time, such as your couch and book idea, sounds great 🙂 It sounds like maybe that’s just what you need...something relaxing and calming this weekend.

It’s disappointing about the beach picnic the other night. Maybe another another time...

Lovely friend, I know your spirals/spins must demand a lot from you emotionally...no wonder you’re feeling drained and tired.

But maybe in some weird, weird way, the exhaustion is your body/mind trying to help you....maybe your body/mind (or something) is now learning to “regulate” your spirals a little more than before.

As in, maybe after the emotional peak of the spiral, the exhaustion is here to help you preserve energy/encourage you to rest...as opposed to a spiral that keeps expanding or escalating. I’m not sure if that’s it or if that’s completely irrelevant, but you know....musings & all...

Sorry, my bad, thanks so much for clarifying. I realised what you meant when I re-read “feeling love” in your earlier post. Thanks again 🙂

Your support is heartfelt & appreciated, dear friend. I agree...I feel once you’ve emotionally checked out, even if you wanted to care, it’s really hard to even want to make an effort. No real interest or drive anymore...

As you said, it works out...that can be channeled into other things...

I have a lot of work to do this weekend, even though I don’t technically work on weekends...it just has to be done, so there goes my “weekend” 😕

Also, I’ve just been thinking about helping to plan for some of my older relatives’ future e.g. aunts, etc. Most of them are still relatively healthy & mobile, but I mean in years to come...some years down the track...

Nursing homes & aged care is not an option, because we just don’t do that in the eastern cultures that I come from...it’s either hiring live-in carers or having them move in with various family members. But I’ll think more about that after the weekend...

I’m doing an art thing later tonight so at least that’s something pleasant. Also, I want to get into choreography when I’ve a bit more time...storytelling and all. Stories and emotions...

I’m sure your pizza will be delicious! Enjoy your Friday night and let me know how your weekend goes (if you want).

With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello Friend ❤

Well now it's the following weekend - i hope you don't have lots of work to do and can spend a couple of days relaxing?

How was your art thing last Friday night? At least you had that evening to relax, to balance out the work stuff a little bit.

How has your week been? Any plans for the weekend?

Planning for your relatives' futures - a big task. It's really good that you are starting to consider things early, while they're still relatively healthy (no pun intended 😃). I think it's wise to start having these conversations before it gets to crisis time. I have that convo with my parents every 6 months or so, just to make sure we're on the same page.

It's great that your family will come together to support the elderly members. It really is ideal. It's something that causes me worries for my own old age, because my family is broken.

Some of our friends and us half jokingly talk about buying land somewhere and living like a little community where we can all be there for each other, a little utopia, grow our food, rescue some animals, share child care duties, etc - and look after each other as we get old. Probably just a dream, but it's comforting.

Have you been getting into any of your choreography? I think it's awesome the way you can channel your feelings and experiences into various ways of storytelling.

Your musings about my tiredness made a lot of sense, and yes i think it's a way of making myself slow down and recuperate after an anxious cycle. I have not been coping too well this week, but I'm just going with it. I trust that i will get back on top of things eventually, just not today.

🌻b xo