Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[demonblaster]

Hi dear Peppystar tweety and all 🤗

You dear girl you're having a hard time. It sads me knowing beautiful people like you are hurting. You poor darling feeling your hearts full. I wish there was something I could do to help but know I'm always your friend love and care very much Peppy you too sweety tweety and you're doing it hard too. Both lovelies, not good at all.

Peppy I need to go back sometime and reply to something you werent sure about so will return.

Love care and huge 🤗 for both of you. I really hope today brings some light into both your lovely souls.

Try and think of something you enjoy or have to break the pain up dear friends.

Often thoughts for both of you

🤗🗯☘🐣 I did thee a puddy tat the other day on TV.

Much love beautifuls🍃🌱⚘

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB (and a wave to dear birdy and all),

Thank you so much for the very caring message 🙂 It means a lot that you‘re here and that you made time to write to me.

I’m happily accepting the big (Supersoul) hug and love from you. Thanks so much! Also, how lovely of you to send your love to dear birdy (or tweety as you call her) as well.

I have been struggling, but managing in my own way. I think we all eventually find what works for us. I feel mine is definitely a more ebb and flow mentality /leaning into feelings...I find that helps me the most.

I break it up with action/activity as well, which helps propel me forward and reduces the likelihood of me becoming “stuck” while leaning into feelings...so ebb and flow combined with action works for me personally 🙂

I have found other ways of thinking/tactics haven’t been very helpful to me, but this one seems to stick. It can be more painful in some ways, but I think it’s also perhaps more empowering in the long-term (at least for me). When I face my feelings, they hold a lot less power over me...even the more difficult ones.

I hope to one day be able to get to a point where I can say “hello, old friend” when a difficult feeling surfaces, and also be able to confront fresh/new pain with an understanding that, no matter how difficult, I can hold space for it. Feel it to tame it...

I look forward to what you mentioned, but obviously there’s no rush or pressure to write it. Just when and only if you feel up to it. I think it’s perfectly alright to take your time 🙂

Supersoul hugs and much love xoxo

[Birdy77]

Hello gorgeous friend,

How have you been this weekend? Did you do anything spesh?

Thanjs so much as always for your lovely message. I'm a bit fuzzy tonight (i feel like I'm coming diwn with something, but it's also been a long day), so my reply here wont be very good but i don't have to worry cos you love me anyway !!

Just felt like saying hello and asking how you are.

Love,

🌻birdy xo

Thank you so much to Aunty Deebsta foryour message ad live, you're a special soul ❤

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

Thanks so much for thinking of me, beautiful friend. You’re lovely to visit & ask, especially when you’re going through a hard time.

Your post was perfect, don’t even worry about it. You cared and made time for me, & that is more than enough. We love you just as you are. You for you, birdy for birdy 🙂

I had some family commitments/responsibilities on the weekend. So it felt a little long in some ways, especially Saturday. I have been reflecting on some things as well lately...

One of those things is that I’m trying to figure out how to find/forge those deeper connections that I really crave. I don’t mean just “any” offline connection, but deeper ones. I have existing offline connections, but not at the depth that I want/need.

When it comes to human connections, I think that’s what I’m missing...& the current people in my offline life generally can’t fill that need/want.

I can engage with them on a very superficial level, & that’s okay sometimes (& serves it’s own purpose). But for some of them, I have been engaging at that same level for many years!

I can respect that that’s where their comfort level is & that it’s perhaps satisfactory to them, but it’s less so for me. For a few of them, it’s a choice. For others, I realise they genuinely have limited capacity to engage at a deeper level.

I’m happy to see them, catch-up and continue to maintain these offline networks, but need to look elsewhere for depth...I’m not upset with them or “blaming” them, but simply being realistic about their limits.

In a way, I suppose that’s part of my search for my offline tribe/people...it’s partly why I’m trying more new things recently. Not just “any” new thing. I’m trying to be more selective, so only things that genuinely interest me.

It sounds like you might be getting sick, lovely friend, which isn’t so great. I hope you’re being extra gentle & kind to your precious self.

How was your weekend and how are you feeling, dear friend?

I always have my hand outstretched in friendship, compassion and love to you. You can always talk about anything to me (free rein & all), but of course there’s no obligation or pressure to do so.

Yes, you’re absolutely right, “fuzzy” brained or not, I love you anyway, my friend 🙂

Love to you, mrs b & your boys xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello Friend 😊

Sorry for not replying until now - i did end up get quite sick, then we had to deal with the inevitable outcome with mrs b's mother, so the last couple of weeks have left me feeling a bit wrung out.

I hope the last fortnight has been better for you? You've been having a rough time for a long stretch now. I hope you're being gentle with you.

Your yearning for deeper connections is palpable. I think we are really fortunate when we manage to meet those with whom we can connect on a deeper level, they are rare treasures. I think it's really good that you are exploring diverse avenues to meet new people.

I agree, it's fine to have those friends who for whatever reason, we only ever get to a certain level, i guess not everyone wants to go deeper, & it's an alchemy thing as well of course, we're not all on the same page i suppose.

I have been thinking for a while that finding real connection requires vulnerability, to an extent, like, when we show vulnerability, it can open up real communication, or allow others to show a bit of their true selves. I guess i feel like that is the way I've made any of the real connections of my adulthood.

Recently I had this guy come to do a job at the house & we were just doing the small talk thing, & then he asked me a question & i decided screwit, I'm going to be honest & mentioned my ongoing journey with depression & anxiety. I could see his heart open, & he started to speak of his own (different) struggles. When he was leaving he said "i just want to thank you for being real, i haven't had an honest conversation like that in i don't know how long. I'm so sick of the superficial world we live in ... thank you". (See, you're defs not alone in wanting to find more meaningful connections!)

Not that it always works out of course - some people won't respond to that kind of thing, or look at you like you're looneytunes, had plenty of those ones too.

The search for real connection is so very worthwhile - so keep being courageous, getting out there trying different things, meeting new people. But mostly, be you. Be your beautiful self. Let your light shine.

❤ you.

🌻birdy xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (and a wave to all),

I’m holding my hand out to you. You sound exhausted, dear friend. If I have interpreted your post correctly, I’m really, really sorry for yours and mrs b’s loss.

I’m not going to tell you how to feel about it, because I understand we all deal with things differently. But just know that I’m holding space for you to feel however you feel (or don’t feel)...

If you want to talk about it, I’m here. If you don’t wish to address it, I’m also here. I suppose it’s my very inarticulate way of saying I care & that I’m here for you, dear friend 😉

It made me smile to read about how you bravely opened up to that man. It sounds like it helped both of you, and that he definitely gained from it! I agree with you that vulnerability is a huge part of deeper, more meaningful connections.

The last couple of weeks have been busy. I had various family commitments and work was hectic. It hasn’t gotten better but it also hasn’t gotten worse, so I suppose I’m about the same as before...

There are many things in my life that I can’t change. I wish that I could, but I can’t...

But forging deeper connections/finding my place in this world? That’s one thing that I actually have the potential to change. You’re right, it’s in the realm of possibility...

I haven’t yet found my place or my people/tribe in the offline world, but maybe I will one day...surely, there’s a place for someone like me? I just have to find it/find them.

A lot of what I have currently offline is about filling a space (for the sake of filling it), rather than about feeling any real connection. I’ve realised that I don’t miss a lot of them if I don’t see them for a while.

I miss the interactions/social aspect itself, but not necessarily the people themselves. Some of them, I’ve known for many years too. I think when this happens, it’s an indicator that something is amiss...

But I think it’s also about selectivity for me. I don’t necessarily want to open up to just anyone. I think there are certain attributes in people that I’m looking for, as well as attributes that I want to avoid offline. I have some idea of both.

Thank you, as always, for your loving words of encouragement and support, dear friend 🙂

Are you still feeling unwell, and do you have any self care planned for the weekend, dear friend?

I’m thinking of you and sending compassion and warmth to both you & mrs b...

Love you,

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi dear Peps

I just wanted to stop in to send you my love and hugs. Your always in my thoughts even when im not here ❤❤❤❤🖤🖤🖤🦋🦋🦋

[startingnew]

Birdy

❤💛🧡💖💙🖤💜💚

[Birdy77]

Hello Friend ❤


Such a strange time i have been having.  I really have appeciated your messages, just haven't been up to writing for some reason. I feel a bit all over the place, & am trying to get myself back into routine.


You interpreted correctly, and wow has it been weird.  It's so odd the way a person can be such a negative, controlling, irritating influence in the life of others and then, when they have passed, those people are so sad and confused and empty. Grief is an interesting process. 



I completely understand wanting to be selective about opening up to people and i agree.  It's wise, and it's self protection, which is important. 

I can relate to your issue when you don't see certain friends for a while  you miss the social interactions without actually missing *them*.  When you miss the actual person or people, you know it's a proper connection.


It's been a week or so since your post, so i am hoping that things have not been worse for you the last while.  


It's frustrating (to say the least) when there are things in our life that we want to change, but just can't,  for various reasons.   Again, i can relate!  But it's constructive to make the changes that we can make.  Do you have any activities/events lined up in the next couple of weeks? 


I have these things in my head that i know i meant to get back to you about, & i will.  I know what one of them is, but i will have to scroll back and make a note of some others.  Maybe one day i should do the thing directly after saying I'm going to do the thing. I'll think about it 😊


❤


🌻me  xo


P.S.  hi SN, i hope you are taking good care of yourself.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi sweetie/beautiful SN,

How precious it is to see you here, lovely one 🙂 Thank you for thinking of me. I think of you too...I saw a white butterfly last weekend and my mind drifted instantly to you...

Much love xoxox

Darling friend/beautiful birdy,

A caring hand from me to you...I think it’s okay (& understandable) that you haven’t been feeling up to writing much lately. I know you have a lot going on, especially considering her recent passing...I think maybe there’s a part of you that’s still processing...

Good on you for trying to find a routine that will hopefully help you though...I want to give you a big, encouraging hug for trying. Effort & intentions count 🙂

I agree that grief & loss is an interesting process...I often think it can unfold in unpredictable ways. That it doesn’t necessarily follow an expected trajectory...I think grief has a mind of its own sometimes...

I feel sad, but not surprised, that her loved ones left behind are feeling sad, confused & empty. I suppose no matter how difficult she was, there was still a bond & shared history, & that’s not something that is easily switched off. Life sure is very different now....less familiar...

Sadly, many things I literally cannot change. So I’m focusing on things that I can change, such as trying to form deeper connections as I mentioned...

There’s a part of me that’s hoping maybe some of those deeper connections will help mend. Not cure but help mend or reconnect some of the broken bits. Just maybe...

On those precious & rare occasions where I feel a genuine connection, things hurt a tiny bit less. Even if it’s very short lived. It makes me feel more human...alivee...heart hurts a little less & I feel more connected not just with others, but with myself too.

So I figure if maybe I can create more of those moments/connections, maybe I’ll start feeling more like me. I’m not even entirely sure what that means exactly but here’s to trying...

It has been a busy month. A lot is happening. But I had another art thing, which I really enjoyed. I’m also going dancing soon 🙂

It’s always a blessing to read your words, and more importantly, to have your friendship. You have a gorgeous heart..

I would love to hear about the things that you wanted to get back to me about. I can’t quite remember, but I would still be interested...no rush. Maybe after things settle, & only if you have the time & also feel up to it 😉

Have you been doing anything self nurturing lately?

Love you xoxox