Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Hello beautiful friend,

I am really sorry, beautiful birdy . Please forgive me...

I hope that I haven’t upset you, and if I have, I’m truly sorry. The last thing that I would want to do is hurt you...you who have always supported me, always encouraged me to speak up, always accepted me...

My friend, I absolutely know where you stand, and I know you have the biggest heart. I wasn’t frustrated or annoyed...it’s just that I was worried there might be potential readers who accidentally stumble upon this thread, and end up accidentally misinterpreting things...hence my response.

I 100% know that you don’t think any form of discrimination is a “value” (and I never thought otherwise about your views). I hope that I’m making sense now... I’m deeply sorry....

My background... I’m the daughter of migrant parents (mixed heritage). English is not my first language (bilingual). At school, classmates used to often make fun of my native tongue around me e.g. mimic the language in a very offensive way.

When I was still a teen in my first job, a customer came to the shop counter and looked around for help. She completely ignored me (even though I was right in from of her). So I offered my assistance, she snapped “oh, I didn’t know you could speak English.” Etc, etc.

So, I used to be so ashamed of my cultural heritage. As a child, I mistakenly thought my heritage was the issue. But it wasn’t...the issue was the discrimination itself...

But as a young kid, you don’t necessarily realise that, so you blame yourself...you internalise other people’s fear and hate, so I blamed the colour of my skin and that of my parents’...

Even though I feel like I say this far too often, I have been worried about you. I only worry because I care about your wellbeing. There’s no need to talk if you don’t want to, but just know my hand of friendship is always extended...an open offer 😉

About the situation you referred to... I want you to know that your stories/experiences are always most welcome on this thread or anywhere else on the forums.

It would be my honour to hear about the situation you referred to, regardless of whether you feel it’s directly related to my “theme” or not. I would welcome and encourage it...

A big hug from me plus a heartfelt apology and much love...

Pepper xoxox

[quirkywords]

pepper,

I always enjoy reading your posts but am saddened by the discrimination you put up with as a child and I assume still do.

I was discrimated against because of my religion and couldn’t u derstand why complete strangers would say horrible things to me.

since I had experienced this prejudice I did not want anyone else to experience this so I would stand up for people who could not stand up for themselves. seeing another person suffering discrimination was worse than myself being discriminated.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and beliefs on this thread.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Birdy77]

Hello dear friend,

You didn't upset me. I just wanted to make sure I hadn't annoyed you or frustrated you or misinterpreted you. Your explanation of your reply made complete sense.

I am so very sorry that you have been subjected to ugly discrimination & narrow-mindedness. To grow up feeling shamed for your heritage, while those shaming you walk around in their ugly cloud of superiority.

My partner is also the daughter of migrant parents. When she started school, she was the only one who spoke a language other than English & they teased her. So after her first day, she made the decision, as her strong little 5 year old self, to never speak Spanish, ever again.

Of course she regrets that now. Being bilingual is such a valuable skill. But she wanted to fit in & be like her peers & not be laughed at. Now she can only speak what she calls Spanglish (& her family & spanish speaking friends laugh at her. Can't win).

Perversely, her own grandmother (mixed heritage) was prejudiced. When visiting Australia from her country in South America, when my partner was a small girl, she would take my partner out to the park or the shops, but would leave my partner's sister at home because her sister had darker skin (they have mixed heritage including indigenous South American, Italian, Spanish) and the grandmother wanted to be seen walking with a "white" child. How disgusting is that? So completely confusing for little growing people.

Like Quirky said, I think having been subjected to discrimination can open a strong sense of wanting to fight for the rights of others, & puts one in a uniquely empathic position of compassion (the verb) through advocating for social justice. You have a powerful platform of experience from which to shine your beautiful light.

I do like my cocoon my friend. Sometimes i get tired of the world. In my cocoon i can be me without question. For example, I have to "come out" pretty much on a daily basis out in the world (always asked about my husband etc), and it gets boring. I have it pretty good, but sometimes I get a bit tired of that sort of thing.

I am not doing so well really, at the moment. I am not coping with a bunch stuff. I have a few little worries & my anxiety is taking me to catastrophe in the blink of an eye. Losing my brother so suddenly this year has exacerbated that sort of thing for me.

I will talk about that situation i mentioned another time. I'm out of characters.

I just feel like curling up in a ball.

My love,

🌻birdy

[demonblaster]

Arms outstretched loving and warm belonging hugs to you Peps and Birdy your both beautiful people

Love you both very much 🤗🤗💗🤝

[Peppermintbach]

Lovely Quirky: What a blessing to see you here 🙂

Your empathy means a lot. I treasure that...thank you so very much...

I would think it must have been painful (& confusing) for you to have been subjected to those awful remarks because of your religion, especially at such a young age too. I agree with you that being on the receiving end of discrimination often means a heightened sense of empathy for others’ plight...it’s an instinctive understanding. A recognition of sorts...

But as birdy said, the silver lining is that it has helped fuel a desire in you to advocate for the marginalised....and that is truly precious 🙂 xoxo

beautiful birdy: Thank you so much for your deeply compassionate post. Thank you also for sharing some of your partner’s experiences here 🙂

I felt a deep sense of loss for her. I think it’s sad when it pushes a child to reject parts of her own heritage/herself (e.g. language) to fit in, or just to stop the teasing...I really feel for her...she sounds like she was a very determined little girl.

I think a key reason that I’ve retained my native language is because I spoke it on & off at home. But out of shame & embarrassment, I refused to speak it at school (or in any other public setting).

I think that is what shame can do. It often leads to either a form of (self) rejection (e.g. language/other aspects of a culture) and/or you hide parts of yourself from the world...

About her grandmother’s prejudice, I agree with you that it would be very confusing for a child. Both for her & her sister. I can only imagine how her sister must have felt...

Your cocoon does indeed sound very nurturing & safe. A place of freedom & authenticity for you...peace...

I’m very sorry about the loss of your brother. I think to lose a loved one so unexpectedly can really shake a person up. Pulls the rug out from under you, and unravels your sense of stability & safety...

Then again, maybe you’re not feeling those things, & I’m going on about something unrelateable...

I wish that I could say something to comfort you in your anxious cycle, but all I can is that I care very much & that you’re loved deeply by us here (plus of course, by your partner/soulmate).

I want you to know it’s okay to crawl into a ball...it’s okay to honour your grief...your feelings are allowed space...do whatever you need to do.

With love xoxox

Wonderful DB: I felt your belonging hugs from your soul to mine. You’re a treasure...

Thank you for warming my heart.

Love xoxo

[startingnew]

thinking of you always Peps and sending heaps of love and hugs (and of course butterflies) xoxoxoxoxoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Gentle Peppy,..hello Deebi, Starts, Birdy.. Auirky and all..

I am really sorry that happened to you...I don’t know what to say to you, to be of much help...but I wanted you to know how sorry I am that you had to go through the unkindness of some of the children at your school, and the horrible way that customer spoke to you....it really is very sad that people don’t treat and respect each other equally..

I so much want to give you a very comfy and warm hug, and just sit by your side tonight...and gently but firmly hold your hand.....

I bought you a beautiful candle that sits in the middle of a large glass bowl, with some succulent surrounding it, the candle is the colour of fresh grass just afterthought earth has been washed by the heavens...scented with lemon tea tree oil to give you a peaceful sleep tonight..

I would also like to give you a small hamper, of fresh fruit..sparkling apple juice.. a picnic rug, a book of art and a a golden bookmark, that has a 🍀 four leaf clover embedded in the Gold in a beautiful green enamel..

I hope you are feeling better then okay lovely lady, and I hope you sleep peacefully tonight and dream of some of Start’s beautiful butterfly’s circling all around your gentle soul...that she has given you...

Love and gentle warm hugs..💜🤗..

Grandy👼...

[Birdy77]

Dear Friend,

What you wrote is so true, what shame can do, causing us to reject parts of ourselves, or at least hide them from the world and sometimes from ourselves.

I am really glad that you continued to speak your native tongue at home, to retain that part of your heritage. I am so sorry you felt that need to hide it in public, and I truly hope that that is in your past, that you now speak freely.

Although it sounds like you've had some challenging social situations lately ...

Thank you for the reminder that it's ok to curl up if that's what's needed.

I am residing in Struggleville at the moment.

How have you been this week my friend?

This comes with love to you from me,

🌻birdy xo

Dear Deebs: thank you so, so much for your heartfelt message and beautiful extended arms full of understanding and love. You are, as Pepper said, a treasure. Thank you ❤ 🌻tweety

[Birdy77]

Oopsy, forgot to say that although you think you don't know what to say to comfort me in this anxious cycle of mine, your words already do comfort me. To know you care very much and that you have loving open arms means more than you know. Thank you my friend. xo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely people,

Darling Butterfly Wings: Your generous love, hugs, butterflies and kind thoughts are all welcome with 2 open arms here.

Thank you so very much 🙂 Much love to you and many hugs. “Dusk till dawn” xoxox

Gorgeous Grandy: Your loving presence and listening is help enough 🙂 Please don’t doubt yourself, lovely one...

Your hugs and company are all very much appreciated by me. I’ll gratefully accept both 😉

I’m certainly very lucky. Look at all those prezzies I’m receiving! Maybe we can all share the treats in that hamper that you gifted me. Lots of tasty goodies in there 🙂

That golden bookmark will be perfect for me to keep my place when going through that art book. Thank you very much, Grandy. Love and care to you xoxo

Dear friend/beautiful birdy: Thank so very much for understanding where I’m coming from with feelings of shame and rejection. That means a lot. Your compassion, kindness and friendship is something I hold close to heart 🙂

Sorry, maybe I’ve missed or forgotten something, but can I please ask what you mean by challenging social situations? The answer is probably staring me in the face (lol), but I might misinterpret or misunderstand, so it’s probably best that I ask 😉

Oh dear birdy, I feel sad that you’re still struggling. You have such a beautiful heart and kind spirit...how I wish the sadness and anxiety would just ease up.

Despite your own vast struggles, you still reach out to so many us here with your comforting words...your generosity and compassion are 2 of your greatest gifts...thank you

You deserve the world, my friend...that is my wish for you. For you and your partner, the world 🙂

Sigh, I’m admittedly a little hungover and I’ve had about 4 hours of sleep. Feeling a tad nauseous & dehydrated, so I’ve had 1L of water this morning. Lol.

Been having a rough time for a whole range of reasons, so turning to alcohol...it’s never the one thing that bothers me. It’s always a combination of things is what wears me down...sighs

A big hug from me, sending you comforting thoughts and much love xoxox

Thank you all 🙂

Pepper xoxo