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Sad musings
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Hi everyone,
I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...
I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.
Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).
All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.
Pepper
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My dear sweet Pepper;
I hear you! Love can be a web of illusion, delusion and pain. But it's also a wonderful journey of discovery, beautiful feelings and hope for the future.
Love opens us up to 'life'. We take more risks and the world seems more vibrant and new. Fears dissipate as we have another to lean on.
The love of your life though, stares back at you in the mirror. For without her, nothing else exists.
We attract who we need, who gets us and who'll challenge us. It can't be perfect or pure because we aren't; we're flawed.
What matters, is love of course, but it's also being able go the distance; with courage, strength and empathy for one another. Skills that promote longevity with practical life as well as emotional, physical and mental challenges. And more importantly, knowing how to argue and make up afterwards...tolerance and forgiveness.
If we can give these attributes to ourselves, 'that' person will appear. Hopefully we'll be ready.
I don't remember you writing of love before; it's refreshing and nice for me to get to know that side of you better. Thankyou...
I used to hide under my blanket too when I was in my 20's from debilitating PMT. All day in bed with food and drinks within reach, I ruminated about suicide incessantly while telling myself it'd be over by nightfall.
Every month this would happen until I realised being a woman scared me. I learnt this from my dreams. I understood myself better with some lengthy self talk and the PMT gradually went away. One must feel 'loveable' to accept love.
I love you my sweet girl. I choose to because you're totally loveable to me.
Reaching out to you from my poota; 🙂
Sez xoxox
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Hi Sez,
I really appreciate the warm and encouraging response. It means a lot to me when you visit and I feel honoured by your insight, love and kindness. I hope you're doing okay after your tests and appointments; I won't pry but know you're in my thoughts. Love you...
Thank you for visiting...
Um...I think that my mornings struggles have more to do with depression than PMT. lol. Maybe it's different for you...your PMT sounds like they were very intense...
Sighs...I often feel conflicted by my strong desire for freedom and independence versus my desire for intimacy/love. When I was with my ex, I definitely wrestled with that conflict (a lot). It's important to me that I don't lose my sense of self in a relationship.
I agree wholeheartedly with you that arguing constructively and building bridges is important. Resolving differences and forgiveness is important...there will always be differences as much as there is common ground.
It must have been hard for you to navigate womanhood. What a frightening time it was for you...I wonder if you're now more comfortable being female compared to then (?)
For me though...being female doesn't scare me; it's being female in the state of the world (both as it is and as it was) that scares me. I look at what it means to be female, and especially in developing nations/low income nations...and my heart sinks...
Feeling loveable to accept love? Maybe...I think that's part of the equation...a piece of the puzzle.
I love you back too; all the different parts and sides of you. Just as you are 🙂
You are in my heart.
Love,
Pepper xoxoxo
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Sez, reaching back too from my end of the screen.
Love you,
Pepper xoxo
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dear peps
just letting you know im still here
sending you lots of love, hugs, support and encouragement
BW xoxox
Geez Sez you got PMT BAD! im lucky enough not to get it that bad
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Hi Butterfly (aka startingnew),
Thank you, my winged friend 🙂
Feelin' the love, hugs, support and encouragement through the screen...and back at you too.
Yes, that is some intense PMT that Sez had/has...must have been an emotional roller coaster ride.
Love you both,
Pepper xoxo
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aww peps
xoxoxox
just keep a look out for those butterflies xoxox
love you too xoxox
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Hi pepper
I just wanted to say hi and thank you for your kind words it meant a lot.
thanks again
Nath
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Hi guys,
Butterfly (SN)- thanks for the beautiful messages. Yes...my eyes are peeled for my winged messengers 😉
Pysis- you're very caring and thoughtful. Thank you for visiting. I'm glad my words gave you some small comfort.
Loving thoughts to all,
Pepper xoxo
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Pepper,
I can see you moving on your journey of self discovery and it is often a bumpy one. Thanks for sharing your honesty and your personal insights.
Quirky