Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Hi,

Still sore; I learnt a painful lesson so am still quite sore over it. Feeling disheartened and hurt; it felt like a thousand little blades. Life hey?

Made me question a lot of things but it made me question myself most of all. Then again, the most memorable lessons are generally the most painful ones.

I'll get over it in time. Life stops for no one (and certainly not me). It doesn't matter how good or bad one feels, time still ticks and the sun still rises and sets. Life doesn't pause for you; it just continues.

Anyway, I need to roll out of bed. Procrastinating again...mornings ugh...

Reflectively,

Pepper xxx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sara,

Sorry guys, can we leave this one specifically for Sara please?

I don't know if or when you will see this but it has been bugging me all night. I'll probably regret posting this later today but it's bugging me...

Can I just ask why you've (seemingly) out of the blue decided to bring up a name from the past? I'm less concerned about exactly what you said but I'm wondering why you're bringing her up now?

Thanks.

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

You are all most welcome here 🙂

But I had a question that was specifically for Sara (hence the above post).

Please don't misunderstand. I love you all and thank you for being here and reading or commenting. Hope I've not upset anyone. Apologies if I was unclear.

Thank you

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

No upsets or misunderstandings here. ❤❤

Thats a question for Sez and only she can answer that

[startingnew]

Ok so im thinking I hit cancel rather than post...


I knew your profile pic are shells the pebbles and rocks were more like a figure of speech like tomato, tomatoe type of thing.


Im glad you look after you as you need to come first, but I know your resitant in opening up. Thats fine too. You have to be comfortable in what you tell people or how much you tell others. Thats the first step.


The post I made when I got out of hospital, I didnt realise was going to have this effect. Its shocked me and I am lost for words because this happening was not quite what I expected but im glad that it has turned out this way.


We all have our own battles but I find it easier to suuport others than myself, I think many are the same.


Keep a lookout for those butterflies, im around.
I cant find a butterfly emoji either!

[Just Sara]

Hi Pepper;

You asked;

'Can I just ask why you've (seemingly) out of the blue decided to bring up a name from the past? I'm less concerned about exactly what you said but I'm wondering why you're bringing her up now?'

One time was in response to someone mentioned her name, the other was to express the true nature of 'that' relationship, and how it didn't really show itself in true form for me until she left; it broke a little piece of my heart.

Seeing how SN affected me emotionally reminded me of her. Two very different personalities, yet maternally speaking, feelings of a deep nurturing care is present within me.

I don't think it's attachment, but a bonding did occur without me being conscious of it until she wasn't there anymore. Though, having you here fills that loss in spades P-Girl. 😉

In essence, you're the children I didn't have.

This is more about me than her/you and Essen. I'm beginning to feel again. I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but I know I'm alive. I feel, therefore I am.

I hope this answers your question hun. If you have more, don't hesitate to ask.

In loving memory, and grateful beginnings;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Butterfly,

You have a big, beautiful heart 💗

You are very good at opening up and very good at being vulnerable. Vulnerability is bravery and many of us fall short compared to you 😉 Vulnerability is part strength and part vulnerability in my opinion. You ace both.

Your post reached many hearts including your Nan, Sez's, one (waves at Sez). Dare I say it's probably a good thing in the long run.

To be frank, and I hope this doesn't upset you (or Sez if you're reading). It doesn't mean that I don't care or think less of you or anything like that. But one of the reasons- though not the only one- that I started replying to your thread was because Sez was going through a really difficult time, and I knew how important she was to you so yeah, I joined in on the conversation on your thread. And as they say, the rest is "history."

I am very glad I joined in though and got to know you a bit better. Even if half the time, I am scratching my head and wondering what on earth to say because you're coping is so different to mine in so many ways. Lol. Anyway, you're awesome just as you are 😉

I'll keep my eyes peeled for butterflies (and birds).

Love,

Pepper xoxoxoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez,

Firstly, can I offer a big warm hug?

I owe you an apology. I probably shouldn't have mentioned it or asked. I am very sorry and hopefully I'm forgiven...sorry...I don't know how many times to say it but I'm very sorry.

About her, I know you cared deeply for her. And she cared deeply for you; there was a lot of love in her posts. My bet was she left because she had a lot of other offline stressors, and that it had nothing directly or indirectly to do with you (or anyone else here)

I am positive that you're in her heart and that there will always be a place for you. She probably has a lot of (emotional) growing up to do...

Yes, she was very different to SN (hey Butterfly if you're reading). Different but complementary, you know. I also believe that they are both with you in spirit. Forever and always...

Gosh, thank you. I literally don't know what to say to that. But at the same time, I'm not surprised that you feel that way about Butterfly and I. Even if at times, I definitely don't deserve it with my incessant worrying, confronting questions at inappropriate times, etc, etc.

If it helps, and hopefully this doesn't offend, you're a "spirit"/emotional mother to me if that makes any sense. I grew up in a fairly (financially) previliged environment. We had a lot of other problems but money was not really an issue.

There was dark stuff and not much emotional support. Mum could barely deal with her own emotions, let alone anyone else's (and certainly not mine). So yeah, that's probably partly why I'm terrible at asking for help and even worse at accepting it. I'm not used to it.

Love you; to the moon and back again and as much as the arts*

Love,

Pepper xoxoxoxoxo

* yes, I am aware how cringe worthy that line is...but hey, I'm full of cringe worthy lines...

[Just Sara]

This might sound silly, but thinking of Dottie still sorta hurts. I know, it doesn't make sense. There may be a rational reason out there, I don't get to say her name anymore.

Tears...sorry

[startingnew]

Dear Peps

im really not that brave, im struggling and just getting through each day as most of here are. plus your making me blush lol.

that doesnt offend me what you have said, im glad you have joined in though. its been great talking and getting to know you as well. TBH half the time i dont know what to say to me! Its hard for me to comprehend how the heck everything keeps piling up against me and still getting through the day.

the good things that are coming out of it though is the ability to be able to help others who are or experincing anything that ive experienced. one thing that brings me joy is the ability to help others, just as others have helped me

lots of love

xoxoxoxo