Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

[livm88]

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every day, including selfies and funny pics, we'd have 30 min phone conversations). After two months we even went away together during the week for the night (which was great).

Everything seemed so romantic then, but not long after this he got a second job, working 7 days a week with the two jobs (including early mornings and nights). He has admitted he loves to work and if he has free time he will find work to do because he doesn't like the way he thinks/his mind wanders if he does nothing.

So I started to adapt to this, and not expect as many calls/communication etc. We still see each other at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes even 5 times on odd weeks. We usually go somewhere to walk and eat pizza, like the beach (which I like), then Saturday night might spend the night at one of each other's houses.

We seem to move pretty quickly with everything, including his suggestion that I could live with him. The problem with this is, he lives with two Indian couples (he is Indian also), they're all from the same region, and while they can speak ok English, when i'm there I feel he doesn't make enough effort to speak English, and it makes me uncomfortable, sitting in silence while they rattle off in their language (which is not Hindi.....so learning that would be practically pointless, even though they do know it). I've told him a few times how I feel and this is why i'm not sure about moving in with him, but his response is always that I have to learn Hindi then it will be much easier and that I have to try things to know if they'll work or not.

A similar issue has been occurring lately though...many times when he asks me out, he later sends a message after i've said yes that one of the couples are coming too. Last time this happened, the three of them all spoke in their language most of the time, only speaking token remarks or questions in English to me. I was most annoyed by my boyfriend, who I felt ignored by that day. Also, while we're alone but in public, he packs on the PDA, but when we're with this couple he backs off (even though they're openly affectionate).

He seems to love me, when we're together he shares everything, but I'm starting to wonder if he's begun taking me for granted?

Thanks a lot 🙂

[Anony18]

Hi Lynda

Yes I thought you might have been on both at one point for some reason. Am still on Sane forums. Mostly in the Hot Chocolate Anyone? page these days. Are you still on those forums?

Am so glad we are connecting on both forums! Call that fate! Glad to hear that you are with your bf and have connected. I am still with mine as well and we have spoken and things so far have been great since the talk.

Anony

[pipsy]

Hi Anony. Between my work here and my volunteer job, the Sane forum had to go. I wasn't altogether happy on that forum as BB gave me a chance to help on a more deeper scale. I always felt the Sane forum was not as intense where BB gave me a chance to guide on a more personal scale. No offense to Sane, but after being here first, Sane was like a down sizing. Had I been with Sane first, no doubt I probably would still be there. Bf and I are totally committed.

Lynda

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Apologies for the delay in my response. I was back in Singapore for rest of my trip and came back really late Sunday night. My bf's trip to NZ was delayed a few days so he came to get me from airport and stayed over at mine. It was good to see him though given that initial expectation was that won't see him til end of Jan/begin Feb after his NZ/Melbourne trip. Hopefully get to see him one more time before he heads off to NZ but it really depends how it goes as he is busy planning and getting things ready for the scouts hike in NZ.

How have things been with you?

I read the responses since my last post and Lynda has a point in relation to the culture and I have seen it with people in my workplace and also in my friends. Saying that - this is a stereotype so without meeting from your bf I cannot say if he is like the typical Indians. Only you are able to determine that. If he is indeed like the typical Indian then that is something you need to consider if you are willing to, ie not question or argument about his opinions. The other thing you need to consider is also his family. Indian parents tend to enforce their culture & religion on their kids and following that their grandkids, particularly if they are boys as they carry the bloodline. I see it in my sister's marriage.

I read you mention how your cousin put him in his place. Do you know how he felt about that? Unsure if you mention how he felt the difference between men and women's intelligence. Also with his perspective on avg Indian vs avg Western women - again that is a stereotype. Finding another partner is an emotional thing I believe and nothing to do with what culture you are. What did he say when you came to the women's defense? Or did you have to change the subject because he would not see it your way and believe he is right?

Sorry for the 101 questions. You don't have to respond if you are not comfortable. However if you are comfortable happy to listen and talk some more. I am back now and hopefully be more frequent on the forum 😃

On another note - did you come to a conclusion on travelling overseas to Singapore or elsewhere?

Anony

[Anony18]

Hi Lynda

Completely understand. I was on both forums simultaneously. The most important is what you feel comfortable with and what you look for in the forums. I agree BB is a more intense forum and so I jump on it to have a look at what people are struggling with and try to help out where I can or even just read the advice that people (like yourself!) give that I could relate to. With the Sane forums, I just stick with the few "light" conversations that I am involved in and have not ventured any further compared to BB....if that makes sense

Really glad things are working out for you.

Anony

[livm88]

Hi Anony18,

Glad your trip was good 🙂 wonder if you were flying Tiger? They seem to always be delayed (my family's was coming back from Sydney).

Nice if you get to see your bf a bit before he goes!

Well I have to say.....the same pattern has been repeating with me and my bf.

Again, he's always working, sleeping less.

The same thing every time....to get him to see me, I have to send worried/needy messages. I got so fed up last week by Friday after not seeing him (hadn't all week!)...I kind of offloaded to my cousin and aunty.....about everything because I was feeling so lonely and annoyed. When he finally texted me.....I let him know i'd been having thoughts about whether we were a good match, and should we really be together?

I feel good for the next few days....but then after not seeing him all week, and being sure a visit will be happening over the weekend......I start to get stressed and anxious.

Oh what's wrong with me XD i've always been an anxious person, and worry about everything in excess.....but i've never feel so anxious as this!

On another note, I am trying to take steps to keep myself occupied...and well get a life. I've thought about it for a while, and was going to apply this time last year, but i've put in my application for the WA Police! I've had trouble with career/direction motivation for years, the studying thing just wont stick. I'm also hoping this route will help make me a more positive/stronger person. I've even started a regular fitness routine! I've got my first test (entrance exam) on the 30th of Jan!

I've also made my first friend in years, we get along really well (from the same uni class), we're hanging out at the park with my dogs this Sunday morning. Something to look forward to 🙂

As for Singapore....well my money's really going down. But if my schedule is clear sometime in February (no tests/exams etc) my sister actually wants us to go together (she's owed plenty of paid leave from Woolies). She's offered to pay!!! Fingers crossed we can work out a time (airfares look so cheap in Feb!).

Well, I know one thing....I always feel so much better after letting it all out to someone! Maybe I should be keeping a journal?! 🙂

Thanks for listening yet again 🙂 Hope it stays well with you and your bf 🙂

Olivia

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. I'm really sorry this issue with your bf is not sorting itself out. You are definitely not connecting, his work is paramount, making you second. You need clarification that you are important, which no doubt you are, but your immediate needs mean he is not really the right person for you. I hope your application for W/A police is successful, also your new friend sounds more relaxed and happy to spend time with you. You actually sound more positive in yourself and your decision to revamp 'you' was a good decision. The constant anxiety over your bf has added to your already growing insecurities over whether he is right. No doubt you will miss him, but you need someone who is constant and he can't be because his needs are more for financial security than emotional security. You need both and he can't provide because he can't 'click'.

Lynda

[livm88]

Hi Pipsy,

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head! Basically everything you've said makes sense really. He came over last night, but it felt the same way it always does. We sat in silence, until I mentioned the silence....he said it was because I normally talk a lot and that's what gets us started (chatting etc). Once I started telling him yet again how I feel, he started saying stuff like 'when did I say that? how do you know what I feel?" etc...and "you put ideas in your head". I told him I don't feel like we have enough of an emotional connection, and again he said but I don't know what his emotions are, and that he feels we have a good connection. It also annoyed me to learn he had the whole day off, and hadn't wanted to contact me all day! (I had to send a message after 7:30pm). He'd spent it with his housemates. That's another big thing I feel which I was unable to talk about last night (I knew it would create war). The fact that I feel......he's in a sort of 'bromance' with his two friends (who he says he considers family). I know he's known them and lived with them for 3 years.....but I very much feel a lot less important to them. I feel like i'll never compare! Even with these housemates having wives living in their house together, I feel annoyed he has loads more time to spend with them!

How can you really get to know someone if you don't make the effort to see each other? I'm going to see if he'll come over tonight (the only way might be if I send an annoyed/anxious message!) and try and bring up the subject! He reckons he wants me to say what I feel/what's on my mind, but it doesn't feel that way when I do speak!

Olivia

[livm88]

Hi Lynda 🙂

I'm happy to let you know, I just broke it off with him!

I told him honestly a lot of the stuff I've mentioned here, and said it all in a polite way that we're just not compatible, we want different things and both deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, that's not with each other. Different priorities, for the near and distant future. We will both find the right person one day.

Now looking back, my mum suggested maybe he had/has some sort of Narcissistic personality disorder! It all adds up!

How I felt about us was confirmed when after my kind break up message, his reply was very cool:

"Thanks very much for your support and time spent with me. Good luck to you too."

And that's it!

I know i'll feel bad for a little, but free in the end. I've already deleted all the pics on my phone of us 🙂

Thanks for your support, i'll probably still be around these forums for other issues no doubt 🙂

Olivia

[livm88]

Hi Anony18🙂

I'm happy to let you know, I just broke it off with him! I told him honestly a lot of the stuff I've mentioned here, and said it all in a polite way that we're just not compatible, we want different things and both deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, that's not with each other. Different priorities, for the near and distant future. We will both find the right person one day.

Now looking back, my mum suggested maybe he had/has some sort of Narcissistic personality disorder! It all adds up!

How I felt about us was confirmed when after my kind break up message, his reply was very cool:

"Thanks very much for your support and time spent with me. Good luck to you too."

And that's it! I know i'll feel bad for a little, but free in the end. I've already deleted all the pics on my phone of us :)Thanks for your support, i'll probably still be around these forums for other issues no doubt 🙂

Olivia

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. I'm sorry it's ended but you both have to want the same things for a relationship to work and he obviously doesn't feel the same way you do. I hope your future with your application goes accordingly. You're right when you say you need to spend time together to see how you both feel, whether you can communicate, feel comfortable etc. His basic 'thanks for the friendship you offered' says it all, really. Are you alright, do you have anyone you can talk to if you need to.

Lynda