Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?

[livm88]

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every day, including selfies and funny pics, we'd have 30 min phone conversations). After two months we even went away together during the week for the night (which was great).

Everything seemed so romantic then, but not long after this he got a second job, working 7 days a week with the two jobs (including early mornings and nights). He has admitted he loves to work and if he has free time he will find work to do because he doesn't like the way he thinks/his mind wanders if he does nothing.

So I started to adapt to this, and not expect as many calls/communication etc. We still see each other at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes even 5 times on odd weeks. We usually go somewhere to walk and eat pizza, like the beach (which I like), then Saturday night might spend the night at one of each other's houses.

We seem to move pretty quickly with everything, including his suggestion that I could live with him. The problem with this is, he lives with two Indian couples (he is Indian also), they're all from the same region, and while they can speak ok English, when i'm there I feel he doesn't make enough effort to speak English, and it makes me uncomfortable, sitting in silence while they rattle off in their language (which is not Hindi.....so learning that would be practically pointless, even though they do know it). I've told him a few times how I feel and this is why i'm not sure about moving in with him, but his response is always that I have to learn Hindi then it will be much easier and that I have to try things to know if they'll work or not.

A similar issue has been occurring lately though...many times when he asks me out, he later sends a message after i've said yes that one of the couples are coming too. Last time this happened, the three of them all spoke in their language most of the time, only speaking token remarks or questions in English to me. I was most annoyed by my boyfriend, who I felt ignored by that day. Also, while we're alone but in public, he packs on the PDA, but when we're with this couple he backs off (even though they're openly affectionate).

He seems to love me, when we're together he shares everything, but I'm starting to wonder if he's begun taking me for granted?

Thanks a lot 🙂

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

No I guess you're right, it hasn't 'failed'. One thing i'm glad is....I don't feel anxious or sad anymore if I don't see him for a few days (an improvement!). As for compatibility.....I'm trying to think of good times where we talked for hours...what did we talk about? I think he struggles with this desire to break away from material things etc....which I guess he sees Western culture as being more focused on. That's when the philosophical/spiritual conversations come in.....and I tend to disagree or bring up negative points about what he says, and his response is "you can't understand" or "you want to start fights and be negative" or in the end "let's just leave it". And then afterwards we make up, and act all lovey dovey. He goes home on a good note, but then the next day is when I start to question everything, and sometimes feel bad, until the next time I see him and my faith is (temporarily) restored.

I guess i'll know soon enough if things improve or it continues like this......I don't know if you believe in star signs (don't know if I do either....) but they all say we're a hard to handle match (Leo and Scorpio). I guess I use that as a way of backing things up...or an excuse maybe.

Olivia

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. When it comes to star signs, I guess the basic personality does come into it slightly. I am a Taurus which is the sign of the bull. I can be rather stubborn, whether this is part of the horoscope sign I have no idea. My ex is Libra, their personality is rumoured to be indecisive. By rights (according to the 'stars') my ex and I were 'doomed' from the start. I have been told I am quite passionate when it comes to something I believe. I had a bf years ago when I was just out of school, he was a Leo, which means, among other things, leadership qualities. I can't say he had those qualities, I can't really remember. Leo's can be extremely hard and uncompromising. Scorpio indicates a 'sting' in nature. Scorpio's are not known for jealous qualities, they are known to be a bit 'partified'. Whether that fits you, only you know. My bf, the Leo one, was a bit inclined to enjoy the party life. Your bf on the other hand doesn't seem to be that type of personality, but then his upbringing wouldn't be conversant to that lifestyle anyway. I guess your bf's basic personality and yours are opposites. They say opposites attract, I think they will providing they both want similar things and they are willing to compromise.

Lynda

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

Yes I have to say the reason I mentioned it is....like you said the basic personality traits seem to be correct. I am the Leo (and it's true.....I like attention but also aim to please), he's the Scorpio....and indeed he is very mysterious and hard to pin down. I suppose i've been looking at them more as....well his culture doesn't laugh at star signs as much (as I suppose it all came from India), he informed me in his culture (not sure if this is all of India), when you're a baby there, someone tells your destiny (don't know what I believe of that really)....but he's told me about it a few times....and he believes what his family was told about him as a baby has so far been true.

But definitely I suppose we are opposites, hopefully we can try and find more common ground!

Olivia

[Anony18]

Hi Olivia

Just hear in Bintan winding down for the night and caught up on the posts.

Sorry to hear you had an Xmas alone. Could he not have seen you after? My bf texted my Singapore number which was nice. He is now up north camping with family.

Lynda has made very good comments and observations. Just cause a relationship breaks up it isn't a reflection of failing by either person but compatibility and the fact it isn't meant to be. Don't mean to be blunt but your bf saying how you are negative in everything isn't fair. Yes we all have our differing opinions and also differing interest but each person should be open to hearing each other out and challenging each other. My bf and I have different interests but he is always asking how I am and how my friends are and hears what I have to say. And vice versa. We learn a lot from each other. In addition he is very opinionated but that what makes the relationship interesting. You talk about your opinions civilised and hear each other out willing to hear each other out. Hope that makes sense. I am not saying that my bf and I have the perfect relationship or that things will work out. But it's about talking and the willingness to compromise. I can understand that you may feel the need to carry on and see where things go but make sure you know the point where you need to step away and break things off if it isn't working. Currently it appears that you are giving in always. For a relationship to work he will need to meet you part way as you have needs too.

With star signs - as Lynda said it is the personality. My bf is a Leo like you and I am a Saggi (apparently very compatible) but am not obviously relying on that to think this relationship will work. As I said it's communication and compromise and what makes my relationship interesting is that we both are stubborn yet that makes it easy understand the way he thinks/acts.

As for your holidays. Definitely try find something. A good break will be so great for you. I hope you are ok. Know am here for you x

[livm88]

Hi Anony,

Thanks for the support 🙂

Yes I guess it will only be able to progress so far without the right compatibility. I did tell my mum about the whole conversation, and she was glad to hear I didn't back down with my opinions this time, that I should be able to disagree with what he says, neither of our opinions is wrong.

I guess next time we see each other, once we get into one of these discussions, I will explain to him what you guys have said here, that we should be able to compromise, that I shouldn't be the one doing all the changing for him. Also, the other day my cousin was over, and he came over later that evening and met her for the first time, we all chatted for a long time, and I was pleased when he brought up some topic relating to differences between men and women (and their intelligence....roughly) because my cousin (who'd never met him before this) spoke up and stated an opinion I had recently shared with him and we'd had a disagreement about. So that kind of put him in his place a little, good for him to hear someone other than me with the same opinion!

As for Christmas....I didn't bother suggesting he visit in the evening, and when I asked him the other day how his day with friends was (and noted he looked very burnt) it didn't sound as if he had a particularly good time anyway.

It's nice that your bf managed to call you 🙂 Are you still travelling? Where else are you going?

Olivia 🙂

[pipsy]

Hi Anony. Sorry to interrupt the thread here. I actually 'connected' with you on the Sane forums. I posted under the name 'Pip' as short for pipsy. As you can see my real name is Lynda. Are you still responding to the Sane forums? I am still with my bf, we have established our connection.

Lynda

[MindfulStep]

The problem is he is not listening to you or respecting your feelings - he is pushing his agenda on you - not because he is a terrible person - but because he feels these other relationships are important to him.

He wants you to be part of his life - but if you need space you don't need his permission - create space in diplomatic ways and maybe he will get the picture.

[pipsy]

Hi Olivia. I'm inclined to question the statement re: non respect, or pushing his agenda. His culture kind of teaches him women are not supposed to question or argue their rights. To him his rights are his by right. Because men from his country are considered the 'head of the household', women are meant to 'tow the line' without arguing or question. If you wish to be part of his life, you are going to have to 'conform' to his beliefs. He doesn't understand why you question, as women in his country don't. Please don't think I'm prejudiced or racist, I'm neither, but culturally you are going to have to try to discuss your upbringing as opposed to his if you wish to continue. Yes- he lives here, but his education regarding mixed cultural relationship issues has never been explained. Whether you can educate him is something only you know the answer to.

Lynda

[livm88]

Thanks MindfulStep,

I guess what i've done is been too available for him, so he sort of has had more control. I guess I need to busy myself, and sometimes say 'no'.....maybe i'll seem less of a pushover, maybe he'll take me more seriously!

Olivia

[livm88]

Hi Lynda,

Oh no....*system error* apparently....not sure if what I just posted sent! But what it said in a nutshell was....

Maybe he says 'negative thinking' because it's the only response he can think of as to why I question his opinions and often say the complete opposite. And that while he says he likes the fact that I'm 'independent' and western women are in comparison to Indian women, maybe he views this as bad in some respects, ie he pointed out the difference between the average Indian vs Western woman who loses a partner......he reckons the Indian woman will never have another partner, while the other might move on quickly (to which he then responded that he knows this is not me, but others in general...). I of course came to our (women's!) defence! What more could I do really.....other than try and change the subject to something more light!

Olivia