Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo and Tim,

Yeah there's been a bit going on.

Hope you enjoyed the movie Jojo.

I think I'm going to have to consider it Jojo. Just wish I knew more and knew what to expect. But every month I'm asked about it and pushed. So yeah.

Do you have any idea around the rationalisation behind it? The "to get to know you" stuff?

Just worries me a lot.

Hope your all well,

Saree

[Saree_p]

hi guys,

How are you all?

The last couple of days have been a bi of a reality check. The lifting of this covid virus is scaring me as I've just gotten into the groove working from home and now I have to look at reprocessing.... still not sure when.

This is the person who became "unwell" because they had an RDO. It simply threw the routine so much.

Bit too low atm. Reality is I can't cope with change and am completely useless. What a waste of space I am.

Hope you are all well.

Saree

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree.

Doing OK. Should be studying and watching masterchef.

I have been working from the church on Thu/Fri of each week because working from home was not very good for me. At the same time I know what you are getting at when you talk about getting in the groove. My daughter started school again this week so that change meant having to make lunches etc.

I was watching a video on YouTube a couple of day ago - a person was talking about the effect of Covid on them. This person did not have/get the virus but everything they were used to was figuratively ripped away from them including some conferences they were going to attend. This person was frustrated, sad, grieving over lost connections, worrying about the new normal, etc. And it is a time where you can be you, and being sad was ok. This person is also a therapist.

In one way, this video validated my own feelings.

In the same way, you are not useless or a waste of space. This is you being you in weird time. I can also remember a post where you said how valued you were at your place of work.

I could also tell you the Priest in Charge at the church I work at has also been struggling with all the changes.

Its really good to hear from you again.

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim ☺

Makes me feel a little less alone.
I think im taking a rule out of ur rule book and going back into the office every Friday.

I've been real slack of late. Forgot my medication 2 separate nights this week, which also isn't helping. My silly behaviours are everywhere. Onto of feeling unwell because I've missed them then taken them then missed em.

Hate that feeling something just isn't right.

Hope everyone is having a good Friday,

Saree

[smallwolf]

Hey! I have had the odd occasion where I have forgotten to take medication - it hits me on the next day. So you are not the only person to have forgotten to take their medication.

On the work thing - I had spoken to my psychologist about the effects from working at home. It was similar to 2018 in which when I would sit in front of PC my chest tightened and upset stomach. The only thing I dont have is the racing heart... Anyway.... my psychologist suggested that I should be able to go to work for a couple of days a week. It has been working for me.

Hope you had a good day yourself.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You are definitely not useless or a waste of space! As for forgetting to take medication that is something that we have all done from time to time.

It sounds like you are going through some changes again with regard to working arrangements. Hope that works out well for you.

Is hospital still a possibility or is that not considered to be necessary any more?

Since we can’t go to the movies atm I have been watching them at home. I recently watched Braveheart with Mel Gibson which I hadn’t seen in years and thoroughly enjoyed it. I also watched Shrek which is my favourite animated movie - it still makes me smile. Do you have any favourites?

It is almost a year since you first posted. How does that feel for you? Your tenacity and determination has certainly made a huge impression on me.

Take care and hope work settles down for you xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim and Jojo,

So glad its working for u Tim!

Hospital admissiom is still on the cards, just waiting for it all to be set up through private side.

Jojo I love quite a few. But lord of the rings and Harry potters do it for me. Mighty ducks is another one. Love Aladdin.

A year passing is scary. Whilst I feel I've gotten nowhere I know that's so not the case. Just negative thought cycles atm. I think its also the realisation that this isn't going anywhere anymore and is here to stay. Which im starting to come to terms with. I don't like it but cant change it.

You think too highly of me Jojo.

Thanks to both of you for being there over the last year 😊

Saree

[Saree_p]

Sorry all,

The low mood has been well and truly kicking in again. Not sure what's go everything so far out of balance!

But simply struggling. I really really don't want to do this anymore. Simply want everything to disappear and never wake up.

Yet again, I know I'm struggling with this constant argument, and for now have peace of mind to a limited extent. Wait and hope it passes. But today was the first day in a while that I woke with suicidal thoughts. I haven't even made it to lunch yet and I want to end it.

I guess, welcome to the roller-coaster that has become my life. Rather than one stable mood either side, I'm a yo-yo.

Oh good friends. What the hell do I do? Really over trying atm

As always, appreciate your thoughts,
Saree

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree_p,

Thank you for your bravery and honesty in sharing this with us today. We're sorry things are seemingly getting worse for you.

Our support service is trying to reach out by phone as we are worried about you.

If you feel like your at immediate risk of harming yourself, then this is an emergency and we'd urge you to call 000 straightaway. We'd also recommend reaching out ot our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. 

Please do keep checking in and letting us know how you're going whenever you feel up to it.

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree_p - I am here, virtually speaking.

It would be good if we knew what was setting us off! Perhaps then could work out a way of not getting to that point.I know my thoughts would not compare to yours - we had a PC meeting last night - we had to answer a question at the beginning of what brought us life or where have we recognised life at this time? My answer was that I was struggling at this time and found life in the office (away from home).

There are many things 'we' (you and I) have to look forward to. I have restarted a gratitude journal. I am building a list of inspirational quotes. I have written a holding note (haha) letter to my 12 year old self. Had to write a holding cause the real letter was not finished. More about that letter that could be seen as funny! Another time.

I don't know how or what you have to do to get out of this low mood but know that I am here with you.

Fwiw - I am also a Lord of the Rings as well. I am guessing you know there are a few quotes in those books that might apply.

thinking of you,

Tim