Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

Went real high real quick. Tried to slow down but couldn't.
Kept a GP appointment tho and she suggested I take medication left over from hospital to try and level out. It forced sleep and slowed the high, but meant I've struggled between a high and trying not too.... really nor been fun. But had an epiphany moment of calm and I guess what people consider normal on Saturday mid-moening to mid-arvo of level, and my partner directly asked me how I was feeling, when asked him why he made the statement "this is my Sarah".

I've been sleeping (due to the interference of meds - I don't like these ones but guess better than a manic state) but I'm now hitting the paranoid state and that'll equal PTSD stuff..... or whatever it is. I seriously have no clue anymore.

Funny enough, after seeing my doctor at 12-12.20pm, the community psychologist rang at 2.28pm after not hearing a word for months.... So guess this will fall back under C-PTSD..... Not sure why GP contacted her, we agreed on waiting for private. And wish the community psych wasn't so patronising to leave a message saying she hadn't heard from me for a long time and was touching base..... I'm not an idiot and know what the _ occurred for her to contact!

New job isn't going to well now... and no haven't really settled in.

Feel like I'm loosing all control Jojo. I used to control all this, now I can't.

Sorry for taking so long. Sorry

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

Things are going so well at the moment?

Slowing down can be hard if you are used to moving fast or doing multiple things at once. With that said a soduko puzzle is one thing that can stop me.

What is the new job?

And settling in is always a nervous time. Remember they hired you because you have the skills they were needing. I have been parish administrator for about 3 months and still make mistakes - really irks me as I think I should be able to do it.

The other thing I recently found were other mental exercises for distraction.

I was going to ask a question but it can wait. Thinking of you,

Tim

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim,

What was your question? I'd welcome the distraction.

Not too good, crashing. Being bounced around still, so kinda feed up. But I'll get there some century may be.

Never be afraid if the question asking....

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry I haven’t been in touch, but my best friend is very sick with an enlarged heart and shortness of breath which has got me very worried atm.

Am glad the medication was helpful to calm you down and stop you going any higher. Do you think you might consider taking meds regularly now?

Hope you hear from the psychiatrist and psychologist soon so that you can continue your treatment.

You mention things are not good at work and you are not settling in. What is the problem?

How is uni, are you managing to keep up with assignments?

Take good care of yourself my dear friend xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼👻

[Saree_p]

Boo Jojo,

Its ok, I hope your friend feels better each day, but strongly doubt it with a diagnosis like that.

I've been considering meds for months now, but because C-PSTD was diagnosed by community nothing has been done.
Still sitting in limbo atm.

Question, have you ever flicked between bad thoughts and then bouncy to exhausted and back to bad thought with in hours or a day period? I've never done that before and I'm doing it. Not sure what it means. Go from feeling completely awesome and cold run a mile, but then collapse.

I guess I'm waiting Jojo, not sure what everyone is up to. I don't want to go on medication, but think I need to.

I don't know...

Thanks Jojo,
Saree

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

That question is still coming but I saw your last post and while I am not.jojo I can answer that question quite easily...

YES

Except that for me I will go from ok to bad in the space of a few minutes based on something read or heard. Those negative feelings will last a day or two and then recover. Recovery could be to ok or to a high. But it won't take much to crash again. The crashing is due to self criticism.

My homework from today is for each negative thought I have to find 4 positives.

Tim

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim 😊

How's that going for you?

I think what was happening was I was crashing and I really didn't want to, so tried to keep being upbeat and kept being exhausted.

As of Thursday, completely crashed into negative side. Suicidal thoughts are back, to the point consider admitting myself yesterday, but what good would that do.

So dear friends, I'm getting used to this cycle - somehow the mood differences are hitting harder, faster and worse if that makes sense, so taking me time to adjust.

I will tentively look at posts, but think till I'm out of the suicidal part, I won't post much or at all.

My partner is aware - although not fully understanding it's a continuous state that doesn't budge.
I've been exercising- trying to get fit for netball again and loose weight. Along with that, switched to a fairly healthy diet, fruit, veg and meat.
Plan to try and cook a roast for tonight.

Hope you are all well!

Hope your coping Jojo, how are u?

Thinking of you all,
Saree

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

With difficulty now. Keep in mind this is the first time I have done this, so I wrote down the negative thought and then the positives and I cannot move past the negative. Which probably leads to the 2nd bit of homework - black on the paper exercise.

With this exercise I an not supposed to focus on the black dot (the negative) and realise there are the lots of positives etc. Trouble is that when I look at the paper I see the paper but unable yet to associate that with my life - it is just paper!

On you... do you find cooking to be therapeutic? There are some positives in your latest post even though you are feeling low - you mentioned exercise, fitness, netball, foods, and a ROAST! I know you know that change takes time.

When you are feeling the way you described can I ask what you do to get out of that rut? Or do you just carry on and try to wait it out?

Thinking of you also,

Tim

[Saree_p]

Boo Tim 😊

You will get there. The fact you are trying is beyond words.

I enjoy cooking for others.

Roast went ok, bf missed the point tho and went on track on his thoughts.

Honestly Tim, the recognition this is a repeat cycle is new for me. So atm my strategy is to do everything physically right. I've Unfortuantly exhausted myself today.
Recieved a phone call from dad, he bluntly asked how many cycles this was....
My bf keeps separating me from the label bipolar and calls my moods "the bipolar"... guess that's good but I'm realising it's me.

Sorry if off topic. All is different and changing. I think I'm in massive decline and feel so alone.
Bf has been there but last couple if weeks have been bad and then the comments tonight... makes clear ... cure it

Sorry,

Hope ur ok Jojo,

Almost over and out,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

My friend has just been discharged from hospital. She has been put on medication and has to make certain lifestyle changes to manage her cardiac condition. She really gave me a scare.

Sorry if you are feeling very alone. It can be hard when it seems like no one really understands what you are going through. I know my family never understood. I found the only people who got it were others with a mental illness.

Hang in there Saree this time will pass. Is there any word from the psychologist or psychiatrist yet?

I hope work is going better now as that can be a stressor. Look after yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼💝