Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You might have to follow doctors orders again to switch off! 🍸 Whatever works.

Take your writing with you and it’s up to you whether or not you share. You might want to try and summarise the most important part you want to get across. Let your voice be heard.

I think the main thing is don’t forget to breathe!! Will be right there with you at breakfast, in the waiting room, at the appointment and afterwards. You are not alone!!

I do have plans for tomorrow - I am taking my best friend to the movies as she is going through a rough patch. She really wanted to see Rocketman so will do that - it’s the Elton John story. Don’t particularly like him, but like his music.

So let me know how you get on tomorrow. I’ve got faith in you that things will go well xox.

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

You are a good friend.

Hopefully the movie is better than you think.

Sleep well Jojo.

Lots of love,

Saree

[Saree_p]

Hi all,

Not sure it's gone well.
Completely freaking out now.

Sorry.

[Saree_p]

Just gotten home,

Verdict - bipolar diagnosis. Apparently, I am really hard to assess today.

He did want me hospitalised for assessment - I didn't agree as work logistics I could not consider. I need immediate treatment apparently, so CAT Team are reinvolved to commence (apparently) - wait and see, wait and see.

GP was waiting but did not sit in - stuff up, so anxiety was really high. Got told off during the session, too bouncy apparently. Did see GP after, she instantly referred, wanted another appointment for 2 days time... why???? she was reserved in letting me go. Her parting couple of statements were you are one step away from having to be admitted. Manic is the term being applied.

So I am home now. I am in a complete panic. Think I am about to vomit. Will exercise. No clue what to do now. I don't think I am that bad at all. But apparently I am. The psychiatrist said I can't work like this, as I said to my GP but I do and it's fine!

Feeling quite hit by a train right now. Really really really do not want to deal with the CAT Team

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

First of all very well done for going to your appointment today. I have to say I am not surprised at the diagnosis of bipolar considering the mood swings you have been having lately.

The problem with being manic is it does feel good and you don’t feel you are unwell. However, that only lasts until the next low. Have you been put on any medication?

I am very stable on my current meds with very few side effects. Don’t be afraid of bipolar it is manageable and treatable.

Try and work with the CAT team rather than fight them. Let them help. Your GP probably wants to see you again to make sure you are still coping and see what your mood is like.

Try not to panic you will be okay now they know what they are dealing with. I am glad you are seeing your friend tonight as hopefully he can support you and help you through this time xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Lilly99]

Dear saree.

Well done today . You are a brave lady.

Thinking of you always

your friend Lilly 🌸

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo & Lilly,

He did mention a medication, but he wanted immediate medication and monitoring as didn't want to go to the hospital - I hear what you are saying Jojo, I feel fantastic atm. Hence the CAT Team. I haven't fought them Jojo, more they keep yoyoing me back so they don't have to deal with me. The psychiatrist today asked why I scoffed at the CAT Team helping. I mentioned the 3 min psychiatrist visit last time I was like this. He was a bit taken aback. He was making out that I am in a bad non-functioning not normal state.

Doesn't matter atm, CAT Team haven't been in contact and probably wont be till tomorrow arvo, and I have work then - wait and see. GP is beyond frustrated with the CAT Team, she does feel its just where I live that they seem to have these issues. What if CAT Team don't show before tomorrow arvo, and then I have GP. I have mum's bday Sat night, still have to make a cake - was supposed to be Friday.

Jojo, you guys are the only ones I have to talk to, no way could I mention to the person I am now seeing I guess.

The date went really well. Despite the awkwardness, I have never felt so comfortable with someone, now I am shit scared he will find out about all this.

I know this is supposed to be a good thing. I just kinda wish I hadn't have gone.

Sorry guys,

Sorry

[Saree_p]

sorry, to elaborate. The medication he was thinking takes weeks to work and level out and apparently I need fast-acting medication, due to the abnormality.

sorry for not explaining well

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sounds like you are finally seeing a competent psychiatrist who has assessed you properly. The problem with mania is if you go too high you can become psychotic which is why you do need immediate intervention. I hope the CAT team get their act together soon.

Would your Mum really mind if you bought a nice cake instead? You have enough to worry about.

I’m glad your date went well and there is no need to share things this personal unless you are ready.

How much have you been sleeping lately? That was always a major trigger for me if I lost too much sleep. Did the psych mention rapid cycling at all?

Get some rest now if you can as it’s been a big day for you xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

No he didn't, he got really annoyed with me - there was a spinny chair, and lots of noise - he seemed more preoccupied with trying to determine the current state. But I have the feeling (although no one is saying) that he chatted with the GP after - cause I got more of a 3rd degree from her. Not sure if he is competent or not lol. Apparently, he saw me in 2007 (year 10), he realised at the end of the session, lol.

I would assume that considering this would be the second "mania" state (as they are calling it) in under a month, this episode would be rapid cycling. Normally I hit a depressive episode for a while.

Ah sleep, no lol. I think I did do a crash sleep on shift on Monday night but thats been about it. Tonight - well now this morning - I really can't sit still.

Probably not, my sister suggested mudcake cheats, but I really was feeling creative and keen. I just wanted to show her I can do it, that I am competent and capable - I've always been the best cook in the family, but since dietary issues, its hard.

That must be what they are worried about. But I don't think I am bad at all. The statement he made "You couldn't work as you are now, people would not perceive it as normal" but its how I've always been known. Maybe I am missing it.

Did have a few freak outs about 40 min ago - thought my ex was standing in the corridor.

CAT Team do their job - the GP and I joked about it. She couldn't even talk to them, she had to fax through a referral - they refused to talk to her lol.

Oh Jojo, at least now my family can label me a certified nutcase now.

Hope you are asleep. Hope when you are reading this, that you have had a wonderful day!

Thank you as always dear friend,

Saree