Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[smallwolf]

Saree,

Just a quick note to let you know that I am listening to you, but will be out of action for a day or two - getting some eye surgery done this afternoon. Even though I am away I will catch up with your story later, and Jojo is providing good support to you also. 🙂

Whether the post you refer to comes or not, we cannot control. And if it does not ....

I sense there are trust issues for you - information that you have the given to another person is then made public (without your consent?). And complexity and difficulties are all relative as healing takes time. Take small steps, one at a time. I am hopeful there will be a time when you will able to trust again and allow yourself to open up to someone. Until then, the people at beyond blue and users will support you as best we can. You don't need to have answers... perhaps just a little bit of hope.

Peace, love and comforting thoughts,
Tim

[Lilly99]

Hi saree,

You are not a hypocrite at all . And thank you for posting on my thread . You are a lot stronger than me. Like I said I watched last night but couldn’t speak because I was in the same head space like every night . So I couldn’t find my voice to help you out .

You on the other hand have a voice . I believe in you saree. I know you can make it through this . You have the strength . More than I could ever imagine to have.

Use that voice to find the help you need . It’s tough I know but you have so much willpower to fight on.

Thinking of you saree. Take care of yourself . And keep on keeping on.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Good morning to you. I slept very well thank you. How did you sleep? You don’t need to be sorry or feel embarrassed about last night. I was happy to sit with you and was glad you were able to share.

What have you decided to do about your assignment? Can you ask for a few days more due to health reasons?

I agree with Lilly you are definitely not a hypocrite just honest about how you are feeling. It takes courage and strength to post on different threads, sharing your experiences when you are struggling yourself. This helps others on the forums and is to be commended.

You have such a lot to give Saree and so much potential. Don’t give up the fight now because of what’s going on in your head.

I know how difficult this is going to be, but can you try one more GP and get a mental health plan in place? You deserve good support so that you can begin moving forward. Like I mentioned before, don’t share the paperwork from the hospital. Just tell the GP your diagnosis and ask them to do a mh plan.

Meantime can you see a psychologist or counsellor privately and then switch to the mh plan when it is sorted out?

With kind thoughts and hope your day goes well xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo, Lilly, & Tim,

Tim - I hope your surgery goes well.

Lilly - Thank you love, still I am sorry.

Jojo - I am glad you slept well, so glad to hear that actually.

I have been attempting to simply just complete this assignment all day, and still got more to go. It's at least got traction - defiantly not my best work, but its something.

The doctor surgery that the CAT referral went to rang today, requesting I book an appointment. So I agreed to an appointment tomorrow. I am honestly not sure if I can do it. The prospect at this point is terrifying.

honestly I am zoned quite out, my head hasn't shut up all day. Several panic attacks etc. I am still in my pjs. Will see I guess.

I do appreciate everyone's support. I am sorry to be a disappointment at this point.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You are definitely not a disappointment - you are amazing to be doing your assignment especially considering you have been up so late and also where your head is at. Very well done and big pat on the back!

Also well done for making an appointment for tomorrow because I can tell you are already freaking out about it. Take some slow, deep breaths and try and stay calm - hard as that may be. You can do this, help is in sight.

The little child inside of you needs you to be brave and take charge, to tell her she is safe. Give her a hug and hold her hand. She needs you Saree, she is putting her trust in you to cope with this big step. Let your adult self go to the appointment, but keep reassuring little Saree that everything is going to be okay.

I believe in you Saree. Just like Lilly you are a survivor and a fighter - a tough wee cookie. I am with you every step of the way. Try and get a good nights sleep tonight which will also help.

Wishing you well and as always stay safe and strong xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

Honestly not sure how I amaze you when you literally carried me through last night. Jojo you are the amazing one - I can not do hospital and wish I had half the courage to do so.

Yes, a fun assignment on policy analysis of the ParentsNext program - so not fun, requires to much brain power at this point.

You are right, I am terrified by tomorrow, if it goes shit again, I am not sure the reaction to it. I actually think s would be easier now than attending. But I will try. I love your advice, unfortunately, I believe I allowed that little girl to be hurt a lot and don't think she trusts the adult me.

Unfortunately, I will be lucky to sleep again tonight, I do have some medication that would help but I don't trust myself to just take one. I will simply be too panicky and if fall asleep I will do what I did the night before last, wake up in a panic continually. One good demonstration will be I will look very tired (3 nights very very little sleep lol - think 2-3 broken hours each night), so it'll prove a point lol.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Try not to think about your appointment tomorrow too much. You have enough to think about with your assignment. Please tell me s is not on your mind. Please promise me you won’t do anything silly?

I have a really good feeling about your appointment. Gather all the strength you can muster and go along. Is there anyone who can take you there this time?

With your inner child it is sometimes enough just to acknowledge her feelings to begin building trust. Try even saying ‘hello’ and being aware she is there because she has probably been ignored for quite some time. Try writing her a letter saying you will be there for her from now on. I found this very healing and helpful.

How much sleep do you usually get when things aren’t quite so stressful? Do you get nightmares?

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Jojo,

I do confess I smile every time at you picture showing up - sad I know, but your dog is so cute (and I am a cat person).

It is on my mind - never has been too far - but I am pretty equal with last night, however, trying to focus on this stupid assignment.

Sleep - like anyone - has always depended on life status. The last 6+ months, I probably average around 4-6 hours, generally broken. I will collapse every couple of weeks and sleep maybe 8-10 hours. For the last couple of months, every time I try to sleep nightmares occur. Never used to be every night, but has been for what seems like an eternity now. I guess that is part of the "fun". The nightmares really are just that - so I know it doesn't seem bad, but you pair that on top of continual flashbacks and auditory replay, even smells occurring continually, and then I think simply pure exhaustion of virtually lying and masking as someone I am not. I just can't anymore. But I have to, due to my own creation (evil at times lol).

I have had times of this stuff hitting but never this extreme, and now I have the added benefit of my ex adding to the compilation.

I do apologise for my trivial treatment of language and jokes - it is one of the few ways I know how to convey information without letting it impact too much - cognitive dissonance.

Jojo, got any words of wisdom? I honestly get scared looking at my chronological age, I feel double it at least and am scared to even imagine another 2 lifetimes worth.

Sorry for being a bundle of joy (sarcasm - but truly am sorry)

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I’m glad you like the photo. Her name is Poppy and her middle name is Angel because she literally saved my life. I got her when I was extremely depressed and, even though she only weighed around a bag of sugar, she managed to keep me here. I have had cats in the past too and loved them to bits. Do you have any pets?

Your sleep patterns are not real good and the nightmares don’t help. Have you ever tried listening to an audiobook when in bed? They are very soothing and can often help you drift off to sleep.

I’m glad you have the distraction of your assignment tonight so I won’t keep you from that!

My only wisdom tonight is keep your appointment tomorrow lol

Take care Saree xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Jojo,

I promise you are not a distraction from my assignment. Think I have reached the point of can't look at it anymore regardless of the desire. I have just completed a full rant on the indignity and invasion of human rights that Australia pledges to that these policies ignore and blatantly challenge by there nature of measurable means.

I have a cat who I got reunited with after I moved back, a couple of months ago now. She clearly remembers me lol. I have already made arrangments (again) if something were to happen to me. She is simply beautiful tho, however, self-entitled she is at times.

honestly Jojo, I have tried nearly everything there is. when I have found something that works, I am lucky if it lasts a week, so its always back to square one. I should retry audio books, just got to get the energy to organise it at this point.

The appointment is scheduled for 14.00. I think, as long as get through the night, I will go. I honestly am sitting here going there is really nothing to lose, every argument I have continually made and how I should cope etc, ultimately is null and void if dead. I will have to deal with the judgement if remain alive, yes, but if dead the judgement would still be there just my inability to hear it would exist. So what is there to lose, simply another 16-17 or 18 hours of living if nothing comes of it.

I know hospital is what helped you, but do you mind if I ask how it got better out of hospital?

Thanks Jojo