New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

Good work on getting to and doing those exams. Have you got the results yet?

I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable talking about that, but thank you for responding. It does make sense.

Oh geez that dream sounds pretty horrid. Sounds very unrestful and not getting good quality sleep is pretty bad for our mental health.

Whose birthday is it? Is it your birthday?

[PurplOJ]

Hello again,

Sorry that it takes a while for me to relpy, I do not really have the motivation to do anything even post.

I have received my results back for one of my classes and I passed. Maths I am not sure, as I panicked a LOT during the test, and I still have to do an assignment today that I have not been motivated to do. In my other project class I have another assignment to do that I have 0 motivation to do and will probably fail again due to it. Even if I know I can scrape by with a bearly passing mark, my head just keeps telling me there is no point, and I will fail, or I would be dead by the point where I hand it in. And now I will fail because I cannot finish it in time, as I have not been able to work with my head like this..

I do not know how answering those questions made me feel, they were just strange to answer.

Yeah, it was a pretty bad dream, luckily it seemed to only be a single night and I am back to constantly watching myself die in my dreams. And quality sleep is not a thing anymore, the last time I had a restful night sleep was November last year when I visited one of my two friends in Australia. Before that maybe a few years.

And dreams are always strange, I never know why but it is always in a 3rd person perspective, just watching myself do these things, watching these things happen to me. Rather then me doing them.

It was my 21st, not that birthdays even mean anything anymore. All it is, is a reminder of how lonely I am.

This week has been very tiring. I tried going out and ordering some fast food, I ended up panicking and ordering something else. I was alright I guess, I just went straight home after. And with moderating work I have had to deal with one person who was not doing well emotionally, and they wanted to talk to me for some reason. And there was someone wanting to talk to me about a breakup they were going through with someone who is abusive. Which I have no idea why they are talking to me about, I know nothing about relationships, I do not even talk that much and am horrible to talk to.

Anyway, I am tired and am about to sleep so goodnight. Hopefully I can post on here sooner then 1 week. And maybe I will try to motivate myself to do the assignment.

Take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Happy birthday for your 21st 🙂 It's okay if you don't want to celebrate. I'll just celebrate on my own haha.

Well, those people must've wanted to talk to you because you were at least approachable right? If you really are that dreadful to talk to, they wouldn't be talking to you and nor would I.

Unless I was a robot, but I'm not. Much to my sadness, because I'd love to be programmable.

How was your weekend?

[PurplOJ]

Hi,

Thank-you.

I wish I could have celebrated it, however all it would end up being is just me getting even more sad. Because all that would happen is me being alone. There are only two people that I would invite and live in Australia would not come, they have not spoken to me in months and I have not seen them in nearly a year. And it is one thing to know that that there is nothing left for you where you are, but to actually be shown it that even if I invite them I will be alone. Neither of them remembered it, or said anything if they did. I do not know if I could handle trying to invite them out. The only person who remembered is in America, and they could not know anything. Even writing this is making me tear up and wonder what is left for me here.

And crying is interesting, I have not been able to cry for a long time. In my head there is little reason to do it anymore, there is little reason to do anything. I do not know why I get up in the day. It would be nice to lay there forever and just fade away forgotten. When life pushes you down constantly what is even the point of getting up anymore?

That is just what people have told me.

Being a robot would be so much easier, without emotions, without having to think, being able to just wipe memory...

Well that weekend was annoying, I saw my father and he wanted to have dinner out as a belated birthday gift. I did not really want to be out, but still. I had to choose, and as I know no places local I just said a fast food joint as it is quick and easy and I do not have to be out much. That was not good enough and it ended up being some pub, which was luckily empty. (I had never even heard of the place before that day).

The 14th was my mothers birthday so we had to go out for that. She ended up ordering way too much food and seated us in the middle of a shopping center. During that all I wanted to do was run.

After all of that I have not been out, I did not manage to do the uni work. I ended up panicking and just laying in bed motionless most of the day.

And all other days I don't really sleep, trying to find something to pass time quickly, and when I do pass out from fatigue I do not have the motivation to get up for a long time. My family stopped checking on me, no longer saying goodnight or hello when they get home. And yeah, I just exist now.... I do not know why I do...

How has your week and weekend been?

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hi PurplOJ,

I know it hurts a lot when people forget, but it usually isn't a sign that they don't care.

I don't know when my girlfriend's birthday, I forgot it was my sister's this year, and last year forgot it was dad's. I don't even celebrate my own birthday. In many instances, it's up to us to tell people when something means something to us. We need to get what we want, because people usually don't know what we want.

Perhaps people have told you things that hurt. But we've also told you things about yourself which are good.

I have a question for you to think about: Why do you believe them, but not us? Or me?

I'm not hurt by this, but I do think you are hurt by selectively believing what some people say and not others.

It sounds like most of your days are quite difficult and you sound like you feel stuck in limbo. I hope you can keep trying to find a reason and your week is a little better.

My week has been okay. Mostly taking care of the new bird. I had a friend come and stay at mine for a few days, but I realised I haven't seen many of my other friends for a few months, so I'll need to do that at some point. It's very hard nowadays when everyone is busy, but we'll figure something out eventually. It took us 9 months one time!

James

[PurplOJ]

Hi James,

I do not know, to me it just makes it feel like they do not care. But I am dumb and obviously miss understanding. I always do.

I have trouble forgetting things, part of the reason I am still haunted by my past. But I understand people forget, and yes you do need to tell people otherwise nobody will know. I just do not feel that I have the right to tell them. Even if having them just recognize it means so much, I would feel like a selfish arse if I went around saying it. It would feel wrong, I would not mean that much.

...I do not know how to answer that question really... There are a lot more people who say one thing then the amount of people who say the other. And in my head some of what you say does not make sense. I try to take on things, but my head just says "Nope, that is incorrect because of XYZ reasons." and they make sense. (None of the following is ment to be offensive, I do not like what goes on in my head). Like when you said if I was unapproachable you would not be here still talking. My head just says "It does not matter how approachable you are, they are only here because they feel sorry for you. They want to leave like everyone else did." It is hard to think otherwise when that constantly floats around my head. When one of the two people in Australia that I use to talk to said I was not an ugly piece of shit. all I could think was "If you are not ugly, then why did so many kids say otherwise thoughout schooling, why else would you feel more hate when you look in a mirror, why else does your family members tell you to loose weight." Over and over constantly.I hate what my head says... but I can't disagree with it.. it makes sense.

I wish I was stuck in limbo. I am just moving further and further down. I use to have a reason, I do not know anymore. I use to think that the two Australians would be sad if I died, now I find myself asking if they will even realize that I am gone, wither they will care when they find out. And I use to be told it was bad... but what is really that bad about dying?

It is good to hear that you had your friend down, I hope that it was fun. I understand being busy, people are busy a lot this time of year it seems. And as people get older and time passes the busier they get. Hopfully you have luck seeing the other people.

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

I'm sorry.

Just ignore me, a worse week then normal.

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

You know I won't ignore you. I think we've been talking on and off since August last year - that's a year and 3 months. I'm still here.

I'm sad to hear it was a worse week than normal. How are you this week?

Also, a question for you to think about: do you think you are different to others? So if telling people it's your birthday is selfish, what if others tell you it's their birthday? If them doing so is not selfish, what makes you different?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey,

...I really wish that I could reply to these sooner, I saw it 5 and a half days ago, and have read it multiple times since, not knowing how to respond. I never know what to say.

This week has been more of the same. I am very tired all the time. I do not really do much because I cannot get motivated to do much anymore. I think my iron deficiency is getting really bad, probably not eating right either. I have not had any supplements for over a year and the checkup I was supposed to have was back then too. I still cannot bring myself to go. I do try to sleep, I can fall unconscious for a few hours, however after waking up I am tired again in about 30 minutes.

I am not sure about the birthday thing really. People do not really tell me birthdays as well I do not talk to enough people for that, and those that do are normally asked. Saying it makes me feel like I am saying "Hey look at me, I am important, pay me attention" and then in response all it would be is empty messages. It is like saying "Wish me luck" to a group of people who do not care or anything, you will get a response but it will be meaningless.

Weather I am different to others? I would say yes. When I think of myself all I can think of is a monster who should die. I know in the end I will hurt people. Thats really all I can think of when I think of myself.

Last night I had a slightly frightening dream. My normal dreams about my death in lots of ways. However I just could not die. No matter how hard I tried I could never die, over and over it happened without any death. All that I wanted to do was to die. However I could not. No matter what happened death was un-achievable. Immortality would be horrifying.

Anyway, how have you been as of late?

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ,

You said you only see yourself as a monster. From what you said about feeling like other people's birthday wishes to you are meaningless, i don't think I can convince you that you're not a monster.

Instead, can you see how that thought process is causing you a lot of misery?

Please try to refrain from telling us that you deserve misery. I know how that feels - I sometimes feel it too. But try to focus your mental efforts on what you are feeling, not what you are thinking.

We are guided by our feelings towards safety. Often, things get in the way and tell us our feelings are wrong. We should not trust them. Or even that we deserve it when we feel like we've been hard done by. These thoughts are trying to move us away from safety.

James