New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I hope everyone enjoyed fathers day. Some of you probably went out and such, and hopefully you enjoyed it...

I know I am probably talking to myself now, but thats life....

I hope everyone is alright. Take care..

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

What'd you get up to? I... did nothing. Dad didn't want to catch up this week, haha.

You've got your appointment on Wednesday?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there James.

I did not get up to much. Saw my father and his side of the family. We went out for lunch. They were not that friendly, everything I did seemed to displease them. I have been eating red meat every day because of iron deficiency. So getting sick of it and having a vegetarian meal gets them to comment things like "Want me to squeeze meat juices into that" and dropping meat on my plate.

Thats unfortunate that you didn't see your father. I do not know if you wanted to see him.

And yes I am seeing a psyc on Wednesday. I have not seen this one yet. So I am bit scared of it. I am not good face to face with new people. Atleast talking here none of you know who I am. That will not happen.. she will see me and know who I am.

PurplOJ

[Starwolf]

Hi PurpleOJ,

Seeing a new therapist is unnerving and takes courage. So I feel sure you are much stronger than you think. Fingers crossed she will put you at ease. Connecting with strangers and building up trust takes time. Kudos to you for embarking on this journey.

Anonymity in these forums allows us to reveal more of ourselves than we would in face to face communication. For this reason, we can get to know each other better than those supposedly closer to us do. We can go straight to the core without going through the filter of appearances.

I do agree that communicating with people is difficult when emotional turmoil prevents us from putting ourselves out there. Though I have moved on from there, I know what not being able to get out of bed or bring myself to face daylight feels like.

I am relieved to know that your doctor only wanted to discuss an iron deficiency. This should be easily corrected. But it does also causes low energy levels. When this problem is fixed, you will probably feel stronger and more motivated.

It is sad that those around you show so little sensitivity to your needs and feelings. It is often a sign that such people are not in touch with their own emotions. So it is likely that their attitude is due to their personal issues. I know that this doesn't take the hurt away but it helps towards not taking their behaviour and words too personally.

I hope this new week will treat you kindly.

[PurplOJ]

Hey there Starwolf,

I am not strong. I use to be strong a long time ago, I could wake up and smile. No matter how much pain I was in I smiled and acted as everything was ok. I lost that strength, I am tired of it all, I no longer can keep it up. I break down most days, and I have cried so much that no matter how much I want to cry right now, nothing flows. I am so weak, I am basically on my hands and knees begging one of the friends for help as I want to at least see someone before I have the possibility of being carted off to hospital for being a risk to myself. So the strength that you see is an act... I am just a weak little boy.

Hopefully I can learn to be able to do things like you are able to... That is strength...

I am also happy that the iron deficiency is all there was. I feared the worst after they contacted me several days before the results come in. But now I get some fun iron pills that make life interesting. And yeah, low energy levels suck. Hopefully I am able to wake for the psyc, its at 9:30 and I slept in this morning.

Those around me are fine... I am just a selfish person. I know they are going through their own things, and I expect too much from them. I should not ask for so much. I feel horrible when I ask for things.... I think they seem to know their own emotions quite well, they just cannot give me the high levels I seem to expect, or just do not care.

Thank you. I hope that this week treats you kindly as well.

PurplOJ

[Starwolf]

Hi PurpleOJ, thank you for replying.

So much depends on perspective...what you are is not what you feel right now. Where you are at now is not you . It is the way depression /mental unrest makes you feel. Mental/emotional conditions are deceivers. They blindfold us to the light of reality and keep us in the dark. When this darkness is all we can see it becomes our whole world.

What I see is who and what is actually trapped underneath the emotional rubble. It is not because depression is hiding it from you and holding it in check that it has ceased to exist. This is what I mean by you are much stronger than you think...

I don't see you as demanding but as someone in need of TLC. Close-knit families stick together and rally around a member in need. However, mental issues are difficult to understand for sufferers, even more so for those around. Their withdrawal is a coping mechanism. It may help them...but not you. Anyone in need and in pain deserves to be cared for. Info is available that can give a better understanding of what a loved one is up against and how to support her/him. How would your family respond to being given this information ?

Mental illness is all-consuming, so it often makes sufferers self-absorbed. So please be kind to yourself. You are not to blame for something that is happening to you but not caused by you.

I hope your appointment goes well and that it will usher in a new chapter.Your loved ones can be given the opportunity to accompany you to one of your sessions or speak to your therapist...You are entitled to loving care and support to help you on this long, difficult journey.

Please let us know how you go.

[PurplOJ]

Hey,
I don't know if my last post is being sent as I got an error so I will summerise it.

Thank you for saying that. I am demanding because of my need to request things constantly. I continue to ask for help most weeks and even knowing I get told no I continue to ask. Like a time when I asked to meet one of my friends every single week for a month, and got told no every time. But I was needy and greedy asking over and over again.

I am not telling my family about this, yes it means I am alone, but that's life. Last time they were told it ended up much worse for me and they caused me lots of problems and stress.

Thank you for the hopefulness. I hope my apointment goes well too. Take care.

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Well I had my appointment today. It went alright, did not help however I hope that is only a feature of the first visit, as she did not know who I was and I did not trust her as I have no clue who she was.
She kept asking me about my previous therapist, who I remember barely anything of the visits. But yeah, the first visit is over... just have to wait for the next in about 3 weeks.

I managed to find something to look forward to in the future. Someone agreed to let me visit them in about 5 or 6 weeks. I am excited for that, however I am not sure I will be able to go.... I hope I last that long, it's hard right now.

Well that is it. I hope everyone is doing ok.

PurplOJ

[JessF]

Hello PurplOJ, it is a relief to get that appointment out of the way, isn't it? At least then you know what to expect with the therapist and start to get a feel. Trust and openness can take a bit of time, I have found.

Finding things to look forward to in the future is a good safety net too. If 5 or 6 weeks seems too far away, then try shrinking down the time period. Is there something nice you can do for yourself at the weekend? Tomorrow? This afternoon?

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

Really good work on getting the first appointment done. As you say, it'll take time to get a feel for how the sessions will work.

I'm happy you found something to look forward to. I think it's nice that you'll be able to visit then. Perhaps tomorrow you can try to see if there's anything else in the meantime even if it's just for yourself.

For example, I wrote down that I'd try to start learning guitar again and my hope is that in the next month, I'll drum up the energy to go for a walk at the Royal National Park.

I just started my AD medication - super foggy, nauseous, and dizziness, so the side effects suck. Apparently it gets better. Do you know if you need to take anything aside from the iron supplements? Hopefully the iron will give you enough of a boost.

When you mentioned in an earlier post that you kept asking a friend, I don't think that's a problem on your part. I think there's an uneccessarily negative connotation on needy because, frankly, sometimes we do need help and that's what you were asking for. Nothing wrong with that. It's just a shame they weren't able to reply the way you wanted them to, but some people are just like that and don't know how to support others. You still deserve the care though, and if your current friends aren't giving you that, you can lean on us while you start to build out the rest of your support network.

What are you up to for the rest of the day and tomorrow? Do you get a break during the semester for TAFE?

James