New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

Ok I'm normally the person who helps everyone but at the moment I just can't, I cried myself to sleep last night I felt that alone and I just couldn't stop thinking of everything my dad has done over the years I treid to we chats but they didn't help at all. I hate living out here sometimes I can't get anywhere or see anyone it's horrible.

i have a CFA meeting tonight but my dads captain and I don't really feel up to watching him act like the perfect father and person but I want to see my friend. It's coming up to fire season and I'm a firefighter so we have a training this Thursday but I don't know wether i want to go I used to get so much enjoyment out of it before dad became captain and my friend isn't there very often anymore.

[Guest_128]

Look at you go birdie your like an old man in a rocking chair on an old verandah.🤗

Happy you are talking,I haven't been around much did you find some other threads yet?

Dory

[startingnew]

hey Nath

ill write a better response soon. your post has also just popped up onto my thread which i didnt see last nigh

hey Dory i read somewhere your going through a rough time. thinking ok you with lots of love and hugs xoxoxoxox

[Pysis]

Thanks dory I'm not sure what that means but I think it's good.

yeah I've been on a few threads now I've tried to help a few people and it makes me forget about myself for a little bit. But yeah I'm going to keep,posting i really don't have anyone else other than you guys at the moment. Thanks again you guys for caring.

[Pysis]

Thanks star.

[startingnew]

Im sure there is somewhere. Just gotta flick through and find them.
Thats another option for you- adgisting I mean


wow youve got a complicated family too. Its hard hey. And its quite frustrating and loney most of the times.
I cant even find the will to go home yet. Ive been out all day and still dont want to come home.
I know my family isnt a family and I dont find my house to be a safe haven as it should be.


I didnt sleep at all last night either. Im lucky if I even had an hours sleep and cried and creid all last night. I havent done that for a bit but its becoming a habit once again.


You can always not be in the CFA. You could find something else to do but if its something you enjoy dont worry about your dad. Do it for the people who need you.

[Pysis]

God I just caught a feral cat now I've got to figure out what to do with it if I ring the ranger they will turn up in the next couple days but I've got to look after it till then or I can get my brother to deal with it but I don't want to do that he's a nice little fella nasty but nice looking, God everything is happening the last few days.

[startingnew]

id ring the ranger. jsut be careful with it esp since its feral

[Pysis]

Yeah it's hard my nan and pop live in the same town as us but we never hear from them we are lucky if they remember our birthdays and when they do contact us it's always becuase they want something last time they wanted to give up a day of work and go with pop to a market selling plants in 40 degree heat I said I couldn't do it. It's hard being judged and mistreated so much by the people who are suposed to look after you. I can totally understand not wanting to go home feel the same a lot especially when I'm with my freinds I wish I could just move in with her sometimes she cares more about me than most people here.

yeah I don't sleep much and I never have I was up all last night I just can't turn my brain off at all it really annoys me. I'm sorry your starting to feel worse again, I've been thinking of you a lot I read your story properly last night and Im just so sorry it happend to you. And I know you already know this but it wasn't your fault I know it can feel like it was sometimes but it wasn't but I feel the same way with my dad a lot so I know it's hard to tell yourself that.

The CFA is something that I normally really enjoys all my freinds are in it and we did our training together and I get to help people a lot through it so that gives me enjoyment. I'm just struggling with everything to do with dad at the moment he's making my life so hard but he is so much better than he used to be so I don't know why I feel this way. I kind of wish the fire season was here becuase we do heaps of training and I get to see a lot of my freinds who really are more like my family. I know it sounds weird but no matter how bad I'm doing I can always pull myself together at a car accedent or fire I just go into this state of calmness and I get the job done, I've been to 10 car accidents this year and whilst their hard I still get to help people and that makes me feel good. And I also get work becuase I'm in the CFA like I'm part of the fire crew at the local raceway I literally pull people out of cars and put car fires out. I always struggle to understand why I can do everything I do but when it comes to life at the moment I'm falling apart.

[Pysis]

Yeah I think I will it's not the first feral cat I've delt with but it feels like a big decision at the moment.