New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

I don't really know what to say other than thank you star. It's so hard always living a lie I really do want to get all this out the but it's really hard there are so many things he has done and I still don't know how to deal with any of it.

thank you star❤️❤️❤️

Nath

[startingnew]

Do you want to move onto the next point? Or we can work with that tomorrow?

[Pysis]

Um yeah ok I think if i stop now it might be hard to start again.

[startingnew]

Ok we can keep going then

Ijust re read number 2.

What he did was another form of control. Psychological control. I dont know what his motives were/are but im starting to think hes a narcasist.

This would have been very traumatic for you and understandable at that.

Your probably wondering how to deal with this too hey....

This is one of those things that you learn to come to grips with and then remind yourself that your brothers and mum are still healthy and alive. They are still here and not going anywhere.

I know this will always be there in your memeories but perhaps you could put it in a box with its in the last label. As it is in the past and whilr very traumatic its over now

[Pysis]

He thought it was funny and acted like I was being stupid, while the actual event was traumatic it was the fact I got bullied over it for ages becuase of it every kne on the bus saw me crying and scared, he treid to do it every time after that when I had to go on the bus and I was so young I fell for it for a while. He's done lots of stuff like that he is all about controle.

[startingnew]

Ahh yes

Bullies are the worst arent they

I honestly dont think anyone would think anything of it now. I reakon if some people were to know the whole story behind it they would be horriffied. I dont really think people would remember thst now.

If you can, while i understand its hard but maybe let this one slide under the carpet abit. Its in the pastand noone would remember it. Im sure his time will come when he looses someone and realises its no laughing matter

[startingnew]

I will have to go to bed in about half hour but will keep chatting until then

[Pysis]

Yeah I know no one remembers it its one of the repressed memories that have recently come back it's not all that bad I know but it's something that wasn't there before and now it is if that makes sense?

[Pysis]

Ok star

I probably should start to wind down myself a bit as well.

night star talk to you tomorrow

thinking of you

Nath

[startingnew]

Good morning Nath

Sorry i feel asleep