New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[swtpotato]

hey nath,

I was having a positive day today and was thinking - what if it doesn't last? what if i'm wrong about feeling okay?

how can a bit of confidence and enjoyment be wrong? does it matter if it doesn't last or not? it's still here now. Like I know for certain I will feel worse later, but I also know for certain I will feel better later. Just have no idea when, but I can influence it a bit by doing nice things for myself. It just sucks when you are in a good place you expect it to last longer than it does, then bam!

You should try and feel proud of yourself that you managed to get those things done today. This happening doesn't mean your accomplishments don't matter, just that the hurt is making it difficult to appreciate atm.

You could write a letter to her to keep to yourself about how you feel about it? Whenever something big and confusing happens (from a death to a rejection) I write out all my feelings about it, to myself or the person, for 3 nights in a row. Then I can see how I was feeling at the time, and how that perspective changed as I processed it more.

Anyway, hope you have a good sleep,

- m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Nath,

I can't really add much more to m's caring and level headed post...

I hope you're somewhat managing or as best you can, given all your struggles.

You're in my thoughts.

Pepper xo

[Pysis]

Hi m

thanks yeah I still am proud I did those things yesterday, I'm still pretty pissed off though.

hope your ok M

thinking of you

Nath

[Pysis]

Hi pepper

thanks, I'm doing ok today i went down to my nan and pops for the day.

hope your ok

thinking of you

Nath

[startingnew]

hey buddy

im glad your doing ok. good to get away for abit isnt it

you leave on sunday to go on holiday dont you

[Pysis]

Hi star

yeah it is I took my little dog with me today she had a ball.

yeah I leave Sunday afternoon after a CFA training.

hope your ok

Nath

[startingnew]

thats great.

i hope your holiday goes well for you too. try not to think about back home jsut have fun

[Pysis]

Yeah it's always hard for me not to think about my animals but I'm doing a fair bit of driving this time so that might help. I've got two geese sitting on eggs and a turkey sitting on eggs so i know I'll be thinking about them but anyway.

hows your day been?

[startingnew]

thats ok thats good news though. not all the bad stuff.

i dont really want to talk about my day. thats on my thread and will leave it there. its bad news tried to fix it with a positive and still hasnt helped me

[Pysis]

Oh ok star, I'll jump over and have a look.

i hope your ok though?