New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[swtpotato]

ok,

First of all, how did you feel about your friendship with her before this?

I feel like in the past you would have helped her out in many ways so that she came to feel she could depend on you.

It sounds like you have done so much for her due to how much you care and value that relationship. but definitely no question here who's really an 'ungrateful spoiled brat'

A bit of shock, betrayal, and confusion it would seem.

Especially after such a long period of investing in her when you don't have much room to invest in yourself.

People can be chaotic, inconsistent and irrational sometimes, even the people we like. But we don't have to dislike someone to recognise that they are not good for us.

I'm sorry this turned out like this, I know someone so caring and compassionate would find it very difficult to understand.

What do you think?

- m

[Pysis]

I don't know this whole year she's just been weird she hired this new ditsy air head that blows smoke up her ass all the time. I mean I've had 2 art exhibitions with her but everything has always been about her, she charged me once for an art lesson where we went into town looked at frames with her for 5 minutes then she went to a appointment and I was left to wanted the shopping center for 1 and a half hours by myself and then go to her sisters place and then go to a place so she could pick bricks for a house she's building.

ive done heaps for her over the years and to be honest she's always supported me but she has always seen it as I owe her even though I've done just heaps I've worked from 8am to 6pm for her before picking olives and at the time I was really badly depressed so I was working all week at those hours then coming home and crying myself to sleep. The fact that when I tried to tell her that I have been depressed she said that I was just looking for attention and needed to grow up really hurt.

Shes just hurt the bridge and blambed it on me and that pisses me off becuase I don't know what else I could of done and becuase this is such a small comunity it's going to affect my reputation as an employee and worker and she's a respected business woman around here so they are going to go on her word. It's this kind of crap that ruins people and businesses around here and she knows that. She's a bloody teacher need I say more.

Your right I don't really understand it I don't know how someone can do this I can't even think about doing it to someone. I've had a shit year this year it's been one thing after another and I'm over it I'm sick of being taken advantage of.

im just really hurt.

thanks for being here and listening to my rants, M

it means alot

Nath

[Pysis]

I mean the yank bloke said that the photoshoots I did where the best his ever had done of any of his puppets and she got it all for free.

[Pysis]

And I was having a really good day today and now I'm just angry and emotional.

[startingnew]

The feelings of being angry hurt and emotional are all very normal in this case. You have every right to be hurt and angry.

[Pysis]

Yeah I know

i was having such a good day though, I've gotten three messages from three differnt girls and then I managed to get outside and clean my shed a little bit and cleaned out my avery and I've been putting that stuff off becuase I just haven't been motivated but I actually enjoyed doing it today and now all that just feels like nothing again, everytime I start to feel better something like this happens.

[startingnew]

Things can turn in a blink of an eye. Its scary!

Does any of them tickle your fancy?

Iget it its like being punished for being happy right ?

[Peppermintbach]

Hey Nath,

Whoa, what day...I agree with everyone else that feeling hurt and angry is justified. I'm sorry this happened to you.

It must be hard when it feels as though the good things don't last long...or feels overpowered by some not so great things.

Sending kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[Pysis]

Hi star

haha, yeah they seem nice enough.

not so much like I'm being punished for being happy but like I'm just not allowed to be happy, I mean I've never done anything to anyone and I always cop this crap.

[Pysis]

Hi pepper

thats ok it's no one here's fault, it's either my fault or her fault. I hate that she has me questioning myself.

yeah it's hard, it feels like for this whole year everytime something good happens something bad has to happen just to out way it. This year has just been one thing after another after another., I'm over it.

thanks for dropping by it means a lot.

thinking of you

Nath