New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

Sorry I took so long to answer shits really hit the fan and I don't know what to do.

[swtpotato]

Hey nath

I'm here for you.

I may not be able to reply frequently atm but definitely can later.

Breathe and let the self-doubt settle, know it is part of the illness. Trust your own instincts and perspective.

What is she angry about (if you want to talk about this)?

[Pysis]

Hi m

thanks for being here. I don't even know anymore what she's angry. I'll try and explain what happens the best i can. So at the start of the year the woman who has been my art teacher and friend since I was 14 asked me to work as a gardener anda hen I started I told her that if my fencing boss asked me to work I had to and she said she was fine with that. Fast forward 4 month and I am dealing with depression and everything else and she tells me that she has hired a guy from America to make some puppets for a puppet show and said that she might want me to be a puppeteer. Then fast forward to 1 month ago I have just had surgery to repair my hip and am on crutches and I find out she expects me to work for free on the set for the show, so fine I do it even though it hurts my hip and I was really depressed, then a week later the guy from America is here with the puppets and she wants me to work as much as I can for free for her for the next 2 weeks while he is here and that she wants me to be a puppeteer, fine I say I don't think I've got that much on thinking that she knows I have to study each week like I always have. So this guy has no tools at all so I go home and get all my tools from my shed and lend them to him for what I think will be maybe 2 days he ends up using them for the 2 weeks and I end up working 7 days all day without anyway at all. Then I say I need to do some study and she get nary with me and also my fencing boss rings and says that she needs me becuase she really needs to get a job done so I say yes well of course my art teacher boss dosent like this and gets angry about it. So by this point I'm feeling just used and unwanted and she still wants me to do more work practicing with the puppets so I do it and I get the hang of it pretty quick but everyday the script changes because even though she's been planning this for 2 years she hasn't written a script for it and she has no idea how to use the puppets and is getting frustrated so keeps snapping at me even when I don't say anything. Then she's angry becuase my annual CFA dinner ends up being on the same day as the show in the morning so I can't make rehearsal in the morning, I didn't want to do the show by this point and was feeling very used and I really wanted to stay at the lunch becuase well sta and her family were there and all my friends that I hadn't seen in a long time but I leave early and do the show. The whole time I do the show I'm uncomfortable. Continued.

[Pysis]

So I do the show and I get through it and then I have to stand with this bloody heavy puppet for an hour talking to people and my hips killing me anyway I do that and then she makes me have champagne I'm fructose intolerant so it kills my guts and gives me an instant headache anyway I manage to get through the nights and get home. Then my fencing boss rings and asks if I can work that Wednesday so I said yes and when my other boss found out she gIt angry so mum rang her and had a talk to her and told her I'm going through a hard time at the moment and have been pretty depressed and she told mum that I was just a spoiled brat that wasn't grateful for a once in a lifetime opportunity. The whole time all I did was try and make her happy, I put in 8 free days Works, I painted her set, did 2 photo shoots of the puppets for her, leant her my tools, let her use my camera for a month and left my CFA lunch early, plus becuase of what I did with the show its put my hips recovery back. And then today I asked if she wanted me to do my normal gardening job for her and all she said was "we have the gardening covered Nathan,no need to consider coming back" and that's how I found out I've been fired, and she is balling me for not being enthusiastic enough.

[swtpotato]

Hey,

Just a quick post saying I have read through everything and hear what you are saying.

I kind of wish I could swear so I could call her a real b

From an outsider's perspective that's my call

You have the right to feel angry about this - let it happen

How are you feeling in your body and emotionally rn?

I will reply properly soon I just have to finish cooking (my classic veggie bolognese)

[velvetfaerie]

Seriously!!?? She does sound like a right .... you know what.

Her loss.

Do you think you were exploited??

That makes me so angry that evil people can exploit those with kind hearts. 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

v.

[startingnew]

good greif Nath im with the others shes a right BEEP

its her loss it really is.

[Pysis]

Hi m

thanks for being here it means a lot. Haha, believe me i had to rewrite my message about 20 times becuase I kept using colourful language.

Right now I'm very hurt and very angry, when I get angry my body just floods with adrenaline so right now I really need to just calm down or find something to punch, haha.

but seriously I'm very hurt after all the years I've supported her and everything I did for this stupid puppet show it still want good enough.

[Pysis]

Hi v

thanks, yeah I'm just over it all its been going in for months and months now.

I really do feel exploited the only resoin I took on the gardening job for her was becuase I didn't want to let her down, I already had 4 other jobs and even with that she just crept asking for more and more.

[Pysis]

Hi star

thanks for being here, yeah I'm just really hurt that's all and I'm angry at myself for letting it happen. It's not the first time something like this has happend to me but that's another stairs and another *%#*+ that I'll tell you about another time.

thanks everyone for being so supportive.

Nath