New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

Hi pepper

yeah I can't care halfway sometimes I wish I could but I can't it hurts sometimes but that's who I am I guess.

yeah I keep telling Sara that family to me isn't about blood it's who you care about and love and who feels the same way back and she knows that she's called me her family for a very long time but recently she's stopped doing that and honestly it hurts, it hurts that one person can change the relationship with everyone you know in such a short time. I have another friends who is kind of like the rest of my family so there is Ben and his partner and kids and then Sara and her family but now Sara's not around anymore we don't get together anymore. It really dose just feel like my entir family has fallen apart it's shaken my whole world around everything I used to enjoy doing I don't get to do anymore and everyone I love I don't get to see anymore. I miss getting those giant run up hugs from the kids and carting them around on my shoulders and listening to there long stories and having them fall asleep on my lap round the camp fire. Even the CFA isn't the same anymore Sara used to bring a lot of fun and excitement to everything and it's not the same anymore. And the hardest thing is there is nothing I can do at all to change anything and make Sara happy again. I made a promise to her that Id always be here for her but I can't keep that promise if she won't let me. I tried everything I could to try and help her when she first got her new job I offered to cook, look after the kids, help with the dog and a number of other things but she turned it all down. I get to see her on sudsy so I'm hoping that she might talk to me a little bit.

im going away with my family this Sunday afternoon for 10 days so I'm hoping it might just distract me from everything for a while.

im glad your going to see someone again you really do deserve to get better.

thinking of you

Nath

[startingnew]

Hey Buddy
sorry I havent been around too much lately. Im glad youve got the others here helping you out.


Family isnt about blood relations to me. Its those who have stuck by you no matter what. It does hurt when these things happen, this has happened to me too which is what ive been trying to process for the past few days. These people who I have cared about and thought they did the same but they dont and its been proved over and over again yet im stupid enough to go back to them.
The thing with promises is they do work both ways. If she wont let you help her then its not your fault. Your promise still stands. Your still there for her but its up to her to iniciate contact too.
Sunday might reveal abit more to you. Hopefully it does but remember things have changed over time for her and for you and as much as you both might want things to change back itll have to be a gradual thing.


I remember you saying your heading away. School term finishes here on friday as well which means my days are about to get a lot harder because mums going away and ill be left here so per usual and left to pick up the pieces. I really hope those 5 days go bloody quick. I dont think they will though. But I want you to be having fun, not worrying about the things that arent in your control. Let the good things flow for you, accept them dont deny them ok.


Sending lots of hugs to you

[Pysis]

Hi star

thats ok, I haven't been around much either.

im sorry to hear about your friends but I know you've said they are very two faced, so maybe you might be a little better off without them but I know it's hard when you don't have many people.

Yeah I know but I hate feeling like I'm not doing what I said I would and it hurts too becuase she said she'd always be here for me no matter what as well.

Yeah I know everytime I see her she isn't the Sara I know and love she's really serious and dosent seem real happy, if I wasn't going away in the afternoon she said we could catch up just the two of us but, I can't change when we leave.

I really hope your holidays arnt to bad and you have some fun with your sisters. I'll try and get in contact when I can to talk to you and let you know how I am probably at a McDonald's somewhere,haha.

Sending lots of hugs to you as well.

Nath

xoxoxo

[Pysis]

Anyone around?

[startingnew]

hey Bud whats up

im jsut about to respond to the last msg but you sound urgent so we can talk about whats going on for you right now

[startingnew]

whats up bud?

[Pysis]

I just lost that job with that woman and now I know why she's angry it's becuase of my mum.

[startingnew]

which job? the fencing one?

what happened?

why is it your mums fault.?

[Pysis]

No the job with the woman with the puppets who I was a gardener for, turns out the day after I had done the performance mum rang her and had a talk with her and pissed her off and has hurt her, now I feel really frigen bad becuase mum was just trying to stand up for me but I didn't ask her to and I just don't know what to do, I was done with the performance so I was just going to let things be and move on, mum has a bit of a big mouth sometimes.

[Pysis]

I sent a message it just hasn't come through yet.

no the one with the woman with the puppets, she's angry becuase mum rang her and she's taken stuff the wrong way and now I don't know what to do becuase I feel like the bad guy. I mean now I'm doubting myself as to wether it is my fault, should I of treid harder to be more enthusiastic but you know how I was I wasn't in a good place at all. Good why is it everytime I start to get better somthing happens again.