New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

Hi star

thats ok I hope you got some sleep.

i can win at the moment my buetiful little galah bozo was attacked by the family galah at some point either last night or this morning he has wounds to all of his face and on his back. I can't lose him I think it will break me but there isn't anything I can do all I can do is put him in a dark place and hope for the best. He was completely wild when I got him and he had a broken wing in 2 places so he is not realisable so I I just kept him in a cadge near the back door for about a year till I got my big avery built and when I put him in the big avery he flew out and landed on my shoulder he has been the sweetest little guy since. I shouldn't of put squeaks in there but he has seemed really good he has been in there for thelast 7 months or so but I feel so guilty.

i just hope my little man makes it.

Nath

[startingnew]

Poor little guy. He has to have time to heal. And after 7 months of being in there i dont knoe what would have changed your other bird unless its got something to do with breeding season and asserting dominance.

7months ago was very different and wasnt in spring.

Hope your doing ok

[Pysis]

Yeah it's dificult with birds you've got to try and stop them from going into shock once they do it tends to be down hill from there. Nah the other birds done this kind of thing before its just who he is a nasty little shit, I know he's been giving some the other birds a hard time but he's taken it to the next level this time it's what happens sometimes when birds are hand raised like he was.

nah I'm not really doing that great now.

[startingnew]

Nasty bugger

Maybe he needs his own cage

Ican imagine what you feel i havent seen it with birds but ive seen it with other animals

is it just this thats you down or is there other things you want to work through like last night?

[Pysis]

Bozo just died shit why can't I win with my animals the past two years have just been one thing after another God. He has his own cage but I let him to the bigger avery becuase he had paired up with another bird through the wire, he's back in his own cage now shit I feel so guilty.

imdont know right now star I've got to many emotions going on at once sorry.

[startingnew]

Im sorry xoxo

What your feeling is normal

Guilt is a normal part of grief so is being upset and not knowing how to feel or what to do.

Right now whatever i say wont sink in or matter

So ill just sit here with you and you can say anything or say nothing. Whatever you want to do

[Pysis]

Thanks star

i really feel like crying but the cleaning lady is here at the moment. Mum rang and started on about how she's sick of ani,als and all that crap I'm so over her doing that everytime an animal dies it's all about her and how she's sick of it and it becomes a guilt trip for her.

I can't win with my animal at the start of last year I lost about 80 ducks and chickens to foxes then I had all my gueinea pigs die becuase the avery flooded then rats moved in and ate all my budgies, then I had to put my apalossa down, then my female major Mitchell cockatoo was attacked by rats and died, then I put my clydsdale down, recently I had my female golden pheasant eaten by rats as well as my eclectus parrot and a Indian ring neck now this has happend with bozo, I can't win I'm so sick of every thing.

[swtpotato]

Hey Nath,

I am not sure if I can help but I will try. I am so sorry about all the animals you have lost, I know the kind of connection you can have with them and it sounds like you are a very caring person so it would be extra hard.

It is good to grieve these things let the emotions come, but just remember that guilt is part of the depression and it separate from your life situation. It is telling you a lie, try not to listen to it please. It is not your fault and you deserve as much care and comfort as possible at the moment.

What things can you do to help yourself atm?

Hope things calm down soon.

Em

[Pysis]

I'm so over everything everything I do is a fight and always has been i always have to justify myself and fight for everything. Nothing has been easy nothing at all, why can't I just be safe for a change and things go my way, I really don't have anyone in the real world anymore I just want to be loved and cared about, I've never had a girlfriend of anything and I'm ok with that but I just get so lonley. I know I've said this a thousand times now but I just want Sara back I want my family back I want someone who cares about me back. I'm so pathetic I can't do anything right and I just end up pissing people off all the time and I don't even know what I do it just seems people hate me. Why can't things just be easy just for a little while why can't things go my way for a change instead of everything and everyone being against me. I'm so over everything.

[Pysis]

Hi em

thanks em yeah I'm just so over everything right now, I'm not sure anyone can help me right now I just need love and suport.

yeah I'm sick of feeling guilty I've been feeling guilty for months on end now. I'm trying to tell myself it's not my fault but of course I've got those thoughts creeping in like I should of notice his behaviour or I shouldn't of let him in there.

i don't really know what I can do at the moment I would like to go for a drive down to the creek but the cleaning lady is here and by going down there I'm kinda breaking a few rules.

thanks em