New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[startingnew]

in regards to last nights post- sorry I didnt see it until now.


You might be alone physically but you have us here in spirit and when you think your alone, feel free to reconnect here. Theres a few social groups happening or jump onto this thread oand just rant away.
Sometimes its good to just have a rant as you have here and then just walk away and let it be. Ive dont that many times and often put 'rant warning' at the top lol.


You arent a failure either. You just need help and guidance which is what you deserve and should be getting. Try and reconnect with that psychologist you usually speak to or try another helpline here, they are all really good and you get the hours session as well and its free so even better.
You dont need refferrals or anything just you asking for help. Thats all.


Just a thought- have you tried reconnecting with your roots? Hopefully you get what I mean by that.
I might have a total other context to you though. will explain to you if you need

[startingnew]

and in regards to today

how did you get on with your pop?

and how was your day in general i know today was a tough one for you

[Pysis]

Hi star

that's ok I hope you got some sleep last night.

yeah I know I've got you guys last night I just lost it though not hearing from my best friend I'm just going to say her name Sara is really getting to me, it's not that I don't understand that she's busy but it's just really hard we were really close and if she wasn't so busy probably still would be and now I don't know what's going on in her life much at all. The hard thing is being around her and her kids was the closest I ever felt to having a normal family, she was the first person to believe in me and just treat me decently. I've gone from seeing her every weekend to not seeing her at all and I've gone from being part of her life to not knowing what's going on. I just don't know what to do about it I can't move on from it. I'm going to tell you something and I hope you don't think I'm crazy but it is true, so my entire life I have I don't been able to I guess sense when something bad was going to happen or when something good was going to happen like I have had really bad feeling pretty much before everything bad that's happend has happend and I have a really bad feeling to do with my freinds situation and I have sinse the day she started at her new job and I've wanted to start a business my entire life to do with animals I haven't always known what but I just have and from the moment I met Sara when I was 12 I knew she was the person I would start my business with, I know it sound crazy and I don't tell many people but that's just how I've felt. I don't know what to do becuase I know something bad is going to happen but I can't stop it from happening I don't think. Jesus I'm sounding crazy arnet I.

anway last night I just lost it I've been letting things build up inside me for so long and last night I just had to say everything I just had to get it off my chest it's didn't really make much sense but anyway.

[Pysis]

Thank you star that means a lot, I know I'm not a failure but a lot of the time I feel like I am.

yeah I'm hoping my phycologist will send me a message tomorrow she never dose on weekend becuase she has kids so it hard for her but if I get really bad ill give a help line a ring.

Um I'm not sure my idea of conecting to my roots is the same as yours, could you explain sorry.

my day wasn't great I ended up just sitting in the corner of the lounge room not doing much the adults sat around the table and there wasn't enough room for me so I missed out. My Aunty is just difficult and I couldn't be bothered talking to her much all she dose is try and pick apart everything I say she thinks she really educated becuase she's from the dirty and thinks we are all below her becuase were from the country but half the time she has no idea what she's talking about.i did get to drive my ute though so that was good and I dropped it off at the mechanics to for a service.

thanks for being so supportive star, sorry my messages are a bit scrambled at the moment.

nath

[startingnew]

Hey Nath
there will be a few posts so maybe hold off reposnding. Im estimating 3 posts ok.


no not really. It seems I only need one night of rest and im back the same. Im seriously over it tbh.


Your not sounding crazy. Your showing great concern and thats ok. Your allowed to do that.
We are here to listen anytime. Rant away. Try not to let things pent up, come on here and just release it. And thank you for trusting me with this information as well.


I know how you feel. Ive actually had a very similar situation, it didnt resolve itself but its not the same situation as you are in. it might help if I tell you the story, might not too though. Sorry I shoudve meantioned it earlier I just couldnt find the 'right' time. I think now is the right time and its hard for me to talk about. This is the first time ive meantioned it. Its not even on my own thread. Ive kept this hidden for a very long time, not even my mum knows.


I had a friend who I shared my secrets with through school, we would have study together, hang out, go to the movies, and spend time in class together and do what normal people would do.
She was doing something that I really didnt agree with and that was dating a guy I knew was trouble. I was being abused then too and was really weary of men but as you know people give off those impressions. I told her to please be careful, dont get pushed into doing the thing she didnt want to do. She turned it all back on me, spreading rumours about me. I lost all my friends from it, got bullied so badly I didnt want to go to school, and I was also hanged up on and was hurt badly. No serious injuries but enough. I didnt even know what was happening because I was on my way to the library. My favourite and only safe place I had. And they dragged me into the hallway where I couldnt get away. I kept going to school because I didnt want my mum to know. I had no where to turn to. Who was going to believe me anyway.
I knew it was the right thing to warn her because she found out the hard way. After I was beaten up, he turned into a real jerk. He was becoming possessive over her. She did eventually break it off.
She never spoke to me again. She wouldnt even look at me after that. And I moved schools.


I thought id share that with you just because I want you to know I do understand.

[startingnew]

know, I get the same feeling. Dont believe it ok.


Yes please know the support lines are there for you to use ok. Dont be afriad to use them. I know they are daunting but it does get abit easier to use them after the first or second time ok.




Ok so what I mean by connecting with your roots, I mean get back in touch with you. With the things you love to do.


There are two ways that I can suggest to help with this.


The first way is meditation. Learn to meditate, get in tune with your own body. Learn your feelings. Learn to just ;sit' with them. Try a guided mediatation so you know what to do. Focus on your breathing. Get into how your nody works and feel the air flowing through your body.
Its not easy to do but its not impossible.


The second way is to start doing the things you love to do. Get back to your favourite place with the creek. Just go spend the day there, take your drawing stuff and find some peace within yourself to draw something. Take your headphones and your favoruite music and just listen.
Take your horse for a walk around your property. Find a special place just for the two of you. Take some snacks and have a picnic with your horse. Ive done this many times when I was younger and it did help. Cry and talk to her/him about your problems. They dont judge you, and it seems like you have a great bond with your horse.
Your medications, go to your gp and tell them about these unwanted side effects and ask to try something else because its affecting you because you cant the things you would normally do.
In regards to work, maybe see If there are some full-time or part time jobs around. Soemthing thats stable, something that you would to do.

[startingnew]

im glad you were able to drive your ute. I know thats something you enjoy and I wish you could hurry up and get your p's so that you can have some more independence.
I hate people who do that. We call them toxic and I advise you to stay away from those sorts of people. Family or not it. Even though it made you feel like crap being by yourself imagine how bad you would have felt if she started nit picking on you. I think you made the right choice.
Im not rich or anything. Actaully pretty much the opposite but we get by and we are alive and living and happy in the sense that out physical needs are met plus we have the luxuries as well.
I can say im prett well educated, ive completed my HSC as well as 3 and as of 2 more days 5 certificates. I do go around thinking im better than everyone else. I know where my opinion is wanted and not wanted so I use it where I can for good.


And im here because I want to be here. I want to help and support you as much as I can thats within my power

[Pysis]

Hi star

I'm feeling a little better now I've locked me self in me room so I don't have to have anything to do with anyone for a while and just rest.

Oh that's kind of similar to what I was thinking of when we say that here we mean getting back to the land and reconecting with our ancestors. But yeah I know what you mean know. I've never treid meditation before I'll give it a try maybe tomorrow. If it wasn't so cold I'd go camping down at me creek but it's really cold here at night right now but yeah I'm planning on going for a walk down around me creek at some point with me little dog bella and just walk and walk and walk just get back to nature a bit forget about technology for a while and just relax. I've been spending a bit more time with my horse latley actually I've been just going out and spending time with him and he just rests his head in my lap or on my shoulder. Also my rescue galah has started wanting cuddles again so that's been nice. I've got work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday fencing now I'm so exited I've been given the all clear by my Physio so I'm good to go hopefully my boss will have some work for me now and I found our today I have a bit of rousie work coming up to, it will be so nice to be physically working again and getting outdoors.

Yeah I know the exact day I can get me p plates it's on the 9th of December the day after my birthday and I'm taking my ute on holidays in September to get me hours up to, I really need to get independent I just need space I'll be able to go away when ever I want then and even go on holidays with Sara me best friend. I've found It a bit wierd that your best friends name is Sara and so is mine.

Yeah I think and stay away from as much of my family as I can I just don't need their negative energy all the time.

Yeah I never got to do Hsc or anything so she holds that over me all the time like just becuase she's an architect that can't afford one of her own houses she's better than me.

Thanks star you've been so good to me and I can't thank you enough, I'm here for you to.

nath

[startingnew]

How are you going today?


Just have a go at meditation, it does sometimes take a few goes to get it properly but that ok. Its all a lerning curve and also sometimes its not for everyone.


See things are starting to fall abck into place abit for you. Im so happy that they are. You deserve to be happy. Your already doing things that you like to do, thats a really good thing. Doing the things you like to do can really help.


Oh thats great. Try and get some hours up for you. We are in september now what date are you gone by? Will you have internet reception? Id love to hear your adventures as you have them if your up for it.


And yes is that a conincidence. And yes Sara is a very close friend and my best one who has guided me through here so much.


God I hate people like that, theres actually valid reasons theat you werent at school too. Not just because you were on drugs and drinking etc and just couldnt be bothered either. What a cow!

[Pysis]

I'm doing better today thanks star, still feel like crap but I'm doing better.

thanks star you deserve to be happy as well I'm sure someday we both will be.

oh yeah I forgot it's September,haha. Um we leave in three weeks when the school holidays start so the first Sunday the 24th I think. I'm not sure if I'll have much internet connection it will depend on the places we stay but I'm taking my I pad so if I do have Internet I'd be more than happy to tell you how I'm going.

it just goes to show that people called Sara are awesome hey. I don't think I'd still be here without my Sara that's why it's hurting me so much that I can't help her.

yeah well a lot of my family use the fact I didn't finish school against me I'm used to it now, it still hurts but I'm used to it.

thanks star

Nath