New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

Thanks star

it means a lot to have someone care.

yeah I think I might end up having a few cold ones with me pop tomorrow I'm not much of a drinker but I think I might need a few tomorrow.

Thanks star I'll be thinking of you to, good luck with your therapy tomorrow I hope it goes well. It's good to know I have someone here for me thank you so much

sending my love

nath

[startingnew]

I do care. I truely care.

Please try and enjoy yourself tomorrow just dont over do it. You might not like the after effects tomorrow lol

And yes ill be around. I flick on and off most days. Sometimes i cant reply unless its short msgs but the longer onesi generally leave until ive got more tome

[Pysis]

Thank you star I know you do and I care about you too.

i will I'll be with my pop and I'll try and avoid dad so I'll be fine. And I won't drink that much I don't really drink but I'm going to make an exception tomorrow, you know my pop gave me my first taste of beer when I was only two, haha.

if you need me as well star I'm going to try and stop by when I can.

thinking of you

nath

[Pysis]

God I hate feeling like this

i hate being so alone, I hate not having a stable family, I hate missing my freind so much and worrying about her, I hate the fact that I have to live with my dad, I hate that I can't consentrate, I hate that my life at the start of the year was feeling normal and then it all got taken away from me, I hate that everything that I used to love is gone, I hate that I can't fix myself, I hate that the people I consider family aren't there anymore, I hate that I don't see any of the kids that I used to help, I hate not working, I hate not being able to draw, I hate being in pain, I hate my dad, I hate the kids that used to hit me, I hate all the teachers that made my life hell, I hate my fingers for not working, I hate being like this, I hate missing my horses, I hate the fact that I was doing eveything in my life that I wanted to and then every thing just feel apart, I hate feeling like I need to rely on people, I hate not being able to talk to my best friend, I hate the fact that I can't help my best friend, I'm just so over everything. Why can't my friend just send me a message every now and then just to let me know I'm not forgotten out here, the one person that cared about me for 5 long years of my life just isn't there anymore and it's killing me the one person that made me feel like I wasn't a freak and I wasn't a failure. She was the person I told everything about me to the person who didn't care if I don't fit in or I'm shy, she likes the fact that I'm sensitive and I care about her kids, she likes the fact that I'm just me but now she can't even find time to just say hi and it's killing me all I want to do is tell her about my day like I used to and hear how hers went and how her kids are but I can't becuase she just can't be there. How am I suposed to be me when someone who has become part of me isn't here anymore I just want things to go back to how they were I want my best friend back.

[Pysis]

Sorry about last night I had a panic attack I really lost it last night.

[startingnew]

Dont apologize

I still here for you

[startingnew]

Will write a better response soon just in between jobs atm but wanted to let you know im hearing you and listening

[velvetfaerie]

Dropping in for hugs.... been reading but my brain can't articulate an appropriate reply.

Tired as.

Nath - I think you're cool. My friend who lives around the corner is a breeder of top notch dairy show goats. Lots of baby goats ATM. Wish I could post you pictures to give you a smile. But know this - they're cute and full of attitude!!! 🐐

velvz.

[Pysis]

Thanks star I know you are.😃

[Pysis]

Thanks velvz

its been ages since I've had a hug.

Yeah ive been struggling to come up with appropriate reply as well the last few days. I haven't really slept to well I didn't sleep much at all last night.

i think your cool to velvz. Oh cool my two boys are French alpine x Shannan I think that's how you spell it, I'd love to get another couple their so much fun they were rescues they don't really need males at a goat dairy. Mine are really cuddly nothing quite like a goat cuddle. mine have plenty of attitude to, both of them and the horse broke into the back yard yesterday and decided to have a go at mums roses she wasn't to happy.

Thanks again velvz

Nath.