New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

My little bros really sick tonight and I think Im starting to get what he's got, just what I need. We were going to do down to nan and pops and stay the night but mum didn't feel comfortable leaving J here by himself with dad and I don't blame her at all, poor little bugger he's really not well.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Pysis,

Sorry, my memory is quite scattered so I can't remember which parts you addressed to me and which were addressed to other members...

With that in mind...

Hey, can I just say that you're not your father?

He made his decisions, and you can make yours. Sure, our upbringing can have a profound effect on us but it doesn't define us. We don't automatically "become" our parents...

You clearly love your mum and younger brothers (plural right?); that's already something that sets you apart from your dad. The abuse that he inflicts; that's not love...he made his choices. You have the power to make yours (and do differently).

It is true that some men grow up and repeat the same abuse of their fathers. BUT there are also men who grew up with abusive dads who don't repeat those behaviours...remember the second group.

I have faith that you will remain in the second group. The fact that you don't want to be like your dad already speaks volumes...

I am very sorry about your pop. He sounds like he was an incredible man. You must feel so lost these days...

And don't worry about my sadness. That is just my empathy "talking"... worry about you if you have to be concerned about anything. My empathy can handle itself 😉

Sighs...I realise there's not much that I can say to ease your pain and I can't magically make a positive male role model appear in you life. But just know that you're in my thoughts. I think you're pretty awesome and just keep holding on.

kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Pysis]

Hi pepper

thats ok my messages weren't really directed at 1 person.

thank you it means a lot that you don't think I'll end up like my dad I think I know deep down that I'm not him but there is always that fear in the back of my mind. One of the contributing factor I think for me becoming depressed was that my boss one day had a bad day with her husband and son and out of no where just told me that no matter what I do I'll end up like my dad, that really hurt me becuase I've been nothing but nice for her and I've even worked cristmas eve, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day for her without extra pay and I try my hardest to understand what it is she wants from me as an employee but she just out of nowhere said it, the rest of the day I spent just trying not to cry or get angry I was really upset. Yeah I love my brothers and mum I'd do anything for them and do a lot for them.

[Pysis]

Yeah my pop is an amazing man he was a farmer his entire life he helped raise his 2 younger sisters becuase his mum had really bad bi polar and was just labeled crazy. He left school when he was 14 to run the farm with his dad and to continue the family tradition of farming. When he left it just detestated me mum had just been in a accedent while she was driving the bus for dad because dads bad diet had finally caught up to him. Nan and pop had been helping with my brothers while mum was busy and were at home when dad rang the house to tell me mum had had the accedent and nan answered the phone before I could dad told her and I pretty much saw her have an instant break down in front of me then dad started yelling at her over the phone so she handed it to pop and dad started yelling at him and I pretty much saw him have an instant break down in front of me as well. They weren't well for a whole after that they had severe depression and anxiety and I had to try and help them deal with it as well as try and help mum with her flash backs and injures from her accedent then a couple weeks later they bought a house and started packing. They told us they were moving on my youngest brothers birthday mum instantly broke into tears as well as my brothers and dad didn't care. So I had to try and keep everyone together as well as deal with all of my emotions mum yelling at dad and just everything as well as help pop move all of his stuff over to our place and watch out for him. It all almost killed me but I had to be strong like usual and thats what I've always had to do I hate my dad for driving my pop away I mean it wasn't just that that cuased my pop to move it was years of constant abuse and being screamed at. But when my pop sold he sold land that had been in my family 150 years we had 3000 acres and now we only have 500 acers and I lost some of my favourite place to just be and so much family history. Not only did I lose all that but I lost the one man who had ever come close to being like a father to me. And yeah most of the time I feel lost how am I supposed to teach my brothers to be good men when I'm still learning myself it's so hard.

Thats ok pepper no one can really say anything to fix my situation or make me feel better I just have to live through it. Thank you it means a lot to think that your thinking of me and I think your pretty awesome too. I'll keep battlen don't worry I won't let dad win.

thank you again it means a lot. Sorry for my rant

nath

[startingnew]

hey Buddy

just letting you know im still here and that i care.

i agree with Pepper, your not your dad and i doubt you will ever be like him. your already showing wayyyy better qualities than him so dont worry about that to much.

i hope your brother feel better soon. nasty viruses going around atm esp in my area. it disguting.

your a very caring brother

[Pysis]

Thanks star

i know you care it means a lot thank you.

I'm not doing to great today, I'm trying but I'm not feeling great. I just miss me friend and I'm just feeling really flat and lost right now.

[startingnew]

seems to be the same common deniminator tonight hey

oh wow where did that come from!

have you got something nice planned for yourself? or can you do something nice for yourself. something simple like a bath or reading abook or something?

sometimes as uncomfortable as it is, you jsut gotta sit with these feelings and know they cant hurt you they are just really uncomfortable

[Pysis]

Sorry star not sure I understood the first bit.

nah I think I just need to sleep at the moment. I never feel very good around Father's Day and I think I'm getting what my little brother has. I'll be alright after this weekend I just need to get through tomorrow and I'll be right.

thanks star I'm thinking of you

nath

[startingnew]

It just means a common theme. Thats all

Yeah fathers day is hard for many people. I havent really had a father to celebrate. Ive had men in my life to celebrate but i do that for my mum as its her partners otherwise i wouldnt celebrate at all.

Just take things easy. We will be here for you if you need us ok.

I mightnt be around as much as i have therapy tomorrow and also back to work. Light duties but takes up some time

[startingnew]

You have to put the oxygen mas on yourself first. Just remember that.

Not sure if your familiar with that term but it means you have to help yourself in order to help others.

Thinking of you

And sending lots of strength and encouragement for you

Ill still be around tomorrow though if you need me ok