New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

Hi pepper

yeah it's really hard with dad at home he is just horrible really mentally and verbally abusive and he used to physically abusive as well till I had enough and punched him in the guts. He's the local school bus driver so everyone sees him as this nice guy that loves kids and is just kind and welcoming and in public he is. He is also very involved in the comunity but it's all a power trip anything he can get recognition for he dose when actually it's mum who dose all the work behind the scenes for him.

Ive only ever had one person other than mum believe me and that's my best friend I can't tell you how much it meant to me I only told her earlier this year I just couldn't keep it a secret anymore and she believed me I was so happy. but other people I've tried to tell including friends have all told me that I have the problem and that I need to grow up and stop being an ungrateful little shit, it hurt so much everytime it happend so I just stopped trying.

Thank you for believing me it means a lot.

oh thank you, I just hope I helped in some way, I'm sure she would do the same for me she's a good person.

[Pysis]

Thanks star so are you I hope I helped in some way.

ok thanks star I check it out I've got to do some study right now but as soon as I'm done I'll have a look

iys ok star you've been through a lot and really you don't owe anyone anything ok. I know you want to be on here more but you will with time I'm sure you'll be back to you in know time at all. Yeah I know your still here in spirt and that's what matters.

Thinking of you

nath

[velvetfaerie]

Dropping in to say hi! Oh my life is hectic LOL !

Oh wow Pysis, (Nath). Yeh some people are really manipulative, and use facades to detract from the TRUE person they are, (so sorry to say that).

I have been in similar situations myself. I have a very good gut instinct regarding people like that and I just steer well clear. I have even had to defend myself and so forth as well.

I believe you.

Hows the studying?

I better do my work... HAHA.

Velvz, (Chae).

[Pysis]

Hi Chae

thanks for dropping in it means a lot.

yeah I don't know what to do about dad he just distroys me half the time every time I've ever started to trust him again he's just hurt me and my anger for him gets so much worse this time of year with Father's Day on Sunday I always have to act like I love him and he's great when it couldn't be further from the truth. I really wish I could leave home but I feel obligated to stay for my younger brothers I'm the only male role model they gave in there lives and really I've protected them their entire lives. I was so scared when I was little and then one day I was big enough to fight back to stop him but the constant mind games really just get to you it's hard. It effects everything in my life. I have a really good gut instinct when it comes to people and other things as well and when I can I avoid negative people I do but I just can't with dad.

Thanks for believing me it means alot

yeah well I'm almost done this weeks study it's been painful though my heads so fuzzy at the moment it's hard to organise my thoughts to the standards I need to.

thanks again for dropping in I hope you have a good day at work.

Nath

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Nath,

I am so glad your best friend believed you. It makes a world of difference to be believed- to not have your truth denied.

Sighs...abusers are often sadly master charmers too. They know how to play their cards, that's for sure.

Reading about how you're staying for your brothers makes me feel very sad. There's a part of me that admires your courage and selflessness and deep love for your brothers. But there's another part of me that says this isn't fair on you and that this is dangerous for you- mentally and physically.

You protect your brothers but who protects you? Perhaps more of a rhetorical question...

I get why you're staying but it's still a sad, sad situation. Heart breaking really. How I wish you and your brothers could all leave for somewhere safer...sighs...somewhere free from abuse...

You are in my thoughts,

Pepper xo

[startingnew]

hey Nath

i can finally come on here and write a reply that i want to. my headache has eased for now. so trying to get a few posts in before bed. I understand how it is to be scared and also angry at your father. My first but fake father destroyed me too. So I get it. Any abuse is shocking and I hate that it happens even to the best of us.
I really wish things would improve for you. I also get how the mask comes on around other people. People thought this person was the greatest father going, we all looked so happy.
Yeah if only they knew what went on behind closed doors hey.


Im so glad your friends believes you and I know the situation shes in is really upsetting for you. I hope things will improve quickly for her too. Its so upsetting when the people we care about are in trouble yet we are powerless to do anything about it. Thats the worst part and wishing they can get out of this. Im sure she knows your there for her and im sure she misses you heaps too but in her situation it makes it pretty tricky for her too.


I know its hard to concentrate on your stuides with so much going on. Ive only got a week left to do mine and ive fallen behind because of everything thats happened. Ive got 4 assessment tasks to do. Luckily they are just questionaires but I have to go over my notes again to answer them.
I cant get extensions as its all online and its a free course. If all else fails I can take it again but I dont want to do that. I was going well for a few days and ended up in front but being in the accident set me back quite abit and with the heasaches it sets me back even more as I cant concentrate and I forget things very easily.
Whendoing your studies try to just let the rest go and only concentrate on that. Set yourself a goal and as you achieve each goal reward yourself even soemthing small like playing with your dogs for a bit or reading a chapter of your faveourite book. Just something simple but like to do. Drawing abit could be another reward for you as well.


We all believe in you here. You dont have to 'put on the mask' here. Be yourself and let it flow. Let it all out and we can help you as much as we can.


I hope your still being able to communicate with your online therapist and that your new uh ive forgotten what she does- I hope shes helping you out as well.
Rest easy my friend, your safe here.

[Pysis]

Hi pepper

yeah I can't express how relieved I was when my friend believed but at the same time I kind of have to watch what I tell her becuase her kids go on my dads bus so I don't want to worry her, it's really hard trying to juggle everybody's best interest. He's also the captain of my fire brigade so he's basically the boss of me at the moment and my best friend so I can't risk there being fractions with in my brigade becuase of something I've said.

I didn't mean to make you sad pepper. But it is really hard I pretty much have taught my brothers everything I've taught them how to use tools, farm work, morals everything with mum of course but I can't go to most things to do with my brothers becuase dad goes and I just can't be around him I can't put up with the look at me I'm the perfect dad act, he acts like he knows everything about me and my brothers in front of others but half the stuff he says about us is just rubbish. My brothers are a lot younger than me T the middle one is 5 years younger than me and J is 8 years younger so really they are just kids and I feel like I need to be here to protect them. I had my pop for a lot of my up bringing before dad pushed him to far and he and nan both had mental break downs becuase of him actually they had 2 becuase of him over the years. My pop moving honestly almost killed me I didn't know what to do I had no positive make role model at all so I've taught myself to be a man and I'm still learning everyday and I try and pass that on to my brothers the best I can as well. Most of my life and really I still am scared of becoming my dad, I think it's becuase people say I'm like my dad but they only know the version of my dad that they see.

Yeah well that's the thing I don't have anyone looking after me I just have to keep going and put up with him as much as I can, there have been times when I've had to fight him becuase he's been going to hit mum or the boys, but the thing that scared me the most was that it felt really good like just a little weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

thanks again pepper

nath

[Pysis]

Hi star

i really happy to here that your headache has lessened, headaches are horrible I used to suffer from migraines really badlu to the point I would pass out from the pain and the medication I took to stop them worked but made me lose all the feeling in all my fingers and toes. I'm so glad that your feeling better and I hope your pain has subsided a little and you can get some sleep.

yeah I hope some day I can improve my life a bit and meet someone who really cares about me but that feels a very long way off. Yeah the hardest thing for me is just acting like I care about him I kind of do but the internal anger and hatred just completely overwhelms me a lot of the time. One thing that scares me a lot is if I leave I just won't have anything to do with my mum anymore she has been the best mum but I don't know if I left I would bust very often just becuase I don't want to see my dad and when I have kids I want my mum to be a part of their lives but I don't trust my dad, I know that's a long way off but still its something that worrys me.

yeah this whole thing with my friend is really getting to me to becuase it's kind of horrible but besides being someone who loves me and I consider family she used to be kind of an escape from dad, the only time I feel truly safe is when I'm with her and her kids I feel like I'm loved genuinely you know. And now I don't see her at all and hardly hear from her and her situation is just getting worse and worse and she dosent deserve it. She is someone who deserves love and happiness and deserves to forfill her dreams but I can't help her with that at the moment. We were going to start a business together but her husband I think told her she couldn't, when we were going to start it I've never seen her so excited about anything she even hugged me and she dosent like hugs but now she's just unhappy.i wish I could make things better for her and her kids. Yeah I've told her enough times now I'm here for her but I just hope when the time comes she dosent try and protect me and asks for my help, I know she misses me she has quite often called me her brother and family but she just dosent have time.

[Pysis]

im sure you'll do fine with your studies star I can tell your a very smart person don't worry I know you'll catch back up. Now your starting to feel better again you'll be fine I'm sure of it.
yeah I try and let go of everything when I studie but it's hard I look out the window and I see a thousand things I need to do but can't and my brain is crap I have about 6 thoughts running through my head all the time so have to really try and silence the others to get to the one I want. It's more about rearranging all the facts that I store in my head to make something decent some days I have great days and I smash out a weeks work in a couple hours and other times it takes me all day to answer a sentence. That's a good idea about giving myself a reward I'll give it a try.

Thank you so much star it really means a lot to me, i know it sounds sill but I actually cried a little when I read this it's just so nice to have a group of people that are kind and caring and I can be me round thank you so so much.

yeah I still talking to my counselor it's her daughters 4th birthday today so I haven't heard much from her for a little bit but she really helps.

again thank you so much star it means so much to me.

always thinking of you and sending my love

nath

[Pysis]

Sorry I haven't really been posting much today and yesterday I'm not feeling that great tomorrow's Father's Day so it's never a good day for me I'm going down to my nan and pops today with my family and I'm going go have to pretend like usual that everything is ok between me and dad when it isn't. I always enjoy seeing my pop though he was pretty much my dad for the start of my childhood but it always makes me sad to becuase dad drove my pop off his own farm. And my auntie and uncle from Melbourne are coming up tomorrow and my aunt is just not a nice person she causes so much stress in the family and it's just never nice to have her around so I'm really not looking forward to it.