New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

Hi dory your message from before just came through.

the thing with my friend is she dosent have any real family of her own and her husbands family makes he life hard, really the only person that was trying to suport her was me when she went trough all the issues with her other job and even though I've been relly bad lately I've still tried to be there for her even tough she hasn't really been talking to me much. I feel like I've let her down latley I promised her a long time ago that I would always be there for her no matter what I was going through but really latley I haven't been able to be there for her and she's been the one kind of supporting me a bit I'm scared that I've ruined my friendship with her becuase every time before last week I had a panick attack I would contact her it was the only thing that made me feel like I wasn't alone and it wasn't something I could controle. I'm one of the only people she has and she hasn't been able to talk to me about what she's going through becuase I've been the way I am.

and with the boy mum treats me like her husband most of the time she discusses all of the most important things with me becuase dads just not there and she's asking me for advice with him and to help her make decisions about it all and I just don't know. This is part of the reason I ended up depressed becuase I have so much responsibility on my shoulders and half the time I'm making it up as I go along, I wish mum would just let me be a kid sometimes but I don't want to let her down.

[Pysis]

Hi guys

sorry about last night I just fell apart

I'd felt it coming for a few days mum had just been dumping her stuff on me and then I just had a lot happen and was worried about my friends and it all just got to much.

thank you for being here for me though it helped me a lot

sorry again

nath

[startingnew]

Hey

Im so glad you had others here helping you ❤

[Pysis]

Hey star

how are you going I hope your ok.

Yeah I'm not sure what I would of done last night I just lost it.

nath.❤️

[startingnew]

thank you for sticking by me

are you abit better today?

i can generally feel an explosion coming on within myself too when things start piling up. i know how it feels

xoxoxox

[Pysis]

No problem star I'm sure you would do the same thing.

yeah I'm a bit better today everything just got way to much mum has been dumping all her problems on me lately and then I found out about my friend and her husband then my brothers friend came to stay with us becuase of his mum and then when she discharged herself it was just the final straw it pushed me over the edge. Plus I pretty well sent a cat to its death yesterday when I rang the ranger wich I felt bad about and I have been trying to deal with my goat and get him better when I ran out of antibiotics for him and his chyst was still bad I didn't know what to do. But I'm all good now this see,s to happen every few weeks at the moment things just build up till I lose it and then I feel so much lighter the next day.

thank you to for being here for me over the time I've been on here it means a lot.

glad your ok if you need talk about any of what happens I'm here and I've been through it all before both as a first responder and with my mum. ❤️

Nath

[velvetfaerie]

I have those moments too.

Like the cup overflows or something.

V.

[startingnew]

yes thats a good way to describe it V

just like a cup overflowing everywhere

[startingnew]

i wish i couldve been here for you, when you really needed it. im so glad V and Dory were here though. they are great arent they

Just as Velvet Said its like a cup overflowing. you can only take so much before it all starts falling out. dont worry about the cat. you did what was right.

im sure things will get better for you and your friends in time. im glad to now your friends mum is out of hospital though. hope she is recovering well and your friends going ok too.

and yes i am always here for you, even when im not- in spirit i mean. thank you for writing on the support thread as well. that was really kind what you had said

xoxoxo

[Pysis]

Yeah that's a good way to describe it v or a glass of vinaigrette and someone drops some bi carb soda in it,haha. Thanks for being here for me last night I really needed it.