New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[startingnew]

Nah I dont mind like I said just stirring Dory up.
Well Nath it is.


Your artwork must be pretty awesome if you can sell them and had some in exhibitions. Thats some really great achievements there!


Good im glad your keeping yourself safe thats number 1


wow you have heaps of animals! I bet your never bored with having to do all their care!


Im in moe of a city setting but ive always been out of the norm and follow more along the lines of a country girl. I use to help break in some horses. I dont do that now though. Not the first rides- too mnay dangerous falls for that now but I do work with them in other ways and after a few rides from someone else im back on them continuing their education. Im kinda lacking interest in them now though. Ive sold my last own horse but I have another that I care for that I can ride so its not a big loss for me. I can save up for another horse or a ute now.


Hows the day been treating you today?

[Pysis]

Apparently I'm pretty good but I'm my own worst critic half the time I really struggle to price them becuase I don't think they are good enough and the ones that I don't think will sell seem to always go first.

yeah there's never a dull moment here but I've kind of them them all down a bit latley I just couldn't get motivated to go out and do anymore than I had to with them I used to dry my own fruit and make up my own food mixes but now I'm doing pretty good if I feed them all everyday.

yeah you sound more like a country girl to me. I think it would be awesome to have that much confidence with horses. I'm not very confident I haven't been able to ride much my first horse was a big 16.3 head clydsdale and he was the biggest sook I've come across but he was scared of everything and he really wasn't the horse for me to learn on and the horse I have now is a rescue quarter horse but he has been abused to badly and won't let anyone ride him I can do anything I want with him on the ground but as soon as someone gets on him he turns into a different horse. Yeah deffently save up for a new horse or a ute it's completely different owning your own of either. I wish I could by another horse I could ride but I'm not allowed to mum won't have it.

my day wasn't to bad but I'm feeling pretty nervous right now mum went to a party so I'm here with dad and he's been pretty off he was screaming at me last night becuase I asked if I could get a lift into town and it just freaked him out for some reason I wish I'd never asked him becuase he's been pretty hard to deal with today. I just have flash backs and feel exactly how I did everyth me mum would go out when I was little.

[startingnew]

All of your posts from last night have just come up. I can sense the panic you had there when they dont appear. Sometimes if the forums are really busy or if the posts are long it takes abit longer to come through.


In response to your other posts that have only appeared now:


im sure youll become a successful businessman in no time. You just gotta take the right steps is all and that in itself takes time as well.


Oh ok ill try using the yellow on some of my drawings the next time I do them.
Yeah everyone has their own style I just wish mine was the realistic style one.
I was finding I was too controlling voer my drawing so it was suggested to me to use the 1 minute drawing techniques and they do help so I do those evry now and then
do you use them?
I have considered drawing lessons but I dont know where I would find the time and when I was looking into them before I had this new job I couldnt find any classes in my area.


Ahh yes the shakes, I have those on a good day too with or without medications. I find when I relax abit though the shakes ease off and when I start drawing I go into my own little world and it seems the shaking stops all together.
Haha yes I love blue and green eyes- do you have a favourite?
I find those real nice ocean blue eyes are nice- a lot of people say thats what mine are but they are more grey now- ive been told that the long term stress im under can fade them somaybe one day they will become those nice ocena blue. That would make me one happy girl!


Yes please dont give up, try and do the 'homework; they give you as well. Mine often gives me trigger tables or a new coping strategy to try out.




Oh yes I think we are all our own worst ciritcs!


Gosh yeah ill bet they keep you busy. But I bet they are ncie to have around too.


Im not really that confident with horses now but I can still do the things I use to. Thinking you have a broken neck froma riding accident kinda rattled me abit. Turned out the pressure made a slipped disk with now arthritis in it and the same with my foot it wasnt broken- wish it was but now I have 3 permenantly damaged ligments a continuously get tendonitis- inflammation of tendon and also arthritis as well.

[startingnew]

Oh wow thats a big one to learn on esp if they are skittish! I had a 17hh dressage and jumping prospect but after my fall I sold him and went onto smaller horses, now I ride the ones around 15hh. Little bit less to fall.


Hopefully one day youll be able to get another horse. Have you considered selling your resuce horse and then getting another one?


Ok so id suggest maybe staying away from him. Keep to yourself and do things in your room. Maybe catch up on your studies. That way your not in his way persuae.

[Pysis]

Yeah I'd thought I'd done something wrong for a while I didn't no what was going on. I'm glad they have showed up now though I was starting to stress a little.

oh sorry you only use the yellow when your painting really it's just so your initial outline dosent show up.

Ive never heard of the technique you mentioned, what do they involve.

have you ever tried starting with the eyes it's how I start and then I use a ruler to figure out where everything is in relation to them and to figure out the sizes. Also it allows you to work out from there with your detail drawing really is about knowing where to shade so if you can picture in your head where your light source comes from it can help a bit. I wish I could post pictures on here I'd be able to teach you it's hard to explain everything.

yeah the shakes annoy me a bit I don't know wether is a new nervous thing I've picked up somehow or if it is the medication but it makes it hard especially since I already have numb fingers.

i love all eyes there kind of my thing but I love deep dark brown eyes for some reason. Oh yeah I like those coloured eyes as well my brother kind of has those coloured eyes that real greeny blue kind of color do you mean? Yeah your eyes do get duller and lighter when your stressed mine normally are pretty dark but at the moment there kind of an ugly dirty brown colour so hopefully one days both our eyes will go back to normal.

i didn't get any homework she just told me to think positive,haha like that's not what I've been trying to do for the last 5 months. Yeah I won't give up I've came close a couple times but I never have not yet anyway.

yeah my animals keep me busy and they are really nice to have around sometimes, they are just fun to watch. Almost every one of them have names and I can remember everything about them as well so they are very special to me they tend not to let you down like people do.

[Pysis]

Oh that would of been scary slipped disks are nasty they can do some real damage to, have you considered plasma for your atheists, your very young to have arthritis it must be hard. I have a lot of health issues as well mainly from working on the farm both of my hips used to dislocate I've had one of them fixed now and hopefully the other one will be ok now, my ankles have been over streched so the ligaments are stuffed in them and I go over all the time, my thumbs dislocate a lot and I get a lot of stomach isues I have a intollorence to the sugar in fruits and vegetables so I don't eat as well as I would if I didn't.

yeah he was very big but I'm 6.2 feet and I'm suposed to grow to about 6'.6 to 6.8 feet so I guess the lady that got him for me thought he was a good fit but he was terrified of everything he was pretty hard to work with. He was so heavy as well he was almost full blood clydsdale so he was just massive, I loved him though I still miss him everyday. I couldn't sell my rescue he was going to be sent to be put down before I got him he's only young to he's 9'years old he keeps me company and he is probably the best natured horse on the ground I've come across. If I did sell him mum wouldn't let me get another one either she's not a horsey person and would probably prefer if I didn't have him anyway.

yeah I'm locked In my room at the moment and my brothers have locked themselfs in their rooms as well. I just get really nervous and stressed when he's here without mum he's punched holes in my door when she gone out for no reason before and I've had to lock my brothers in my room with me more times than I can count, I just have really bad memories around all this.

[startingnew]

Yeah we all do that esp when we are trying to get msgs across quickly.


The one minute things are easy. So all you do is pic an object say a water bottle or a tree or an apple and you only have one minute to draw them.no rubbers allowed. Take a look on the net theres quite a few youtbue videos
type in 1 minute drawing challenge.


I have tried starting the eyes. I can draw eyes but after that thats it all done lol. I cant draw people for the life of me. I can only draw certain parts like the hands in my avavtar.


Green and blue are my faves but like I said personality gets to me before looks do so it really doesnt matter to me.


Lol famous last words' think positivley' yeah its not just as simple as that. Hopefully she helps you abit more than that the next time you go.


Haha how did you come up with all those names for all them! You didnt name all 80 of those chickens did you!?

[Pysis]

Ok I'll have to give the 1 minute thing a try, it would be interesting to see how I go some of my drawing can take up to 4 hours to finish and some only take me 20 minutes but I've never done one in a minute, haha.

i spend most of my time on the eyes becuase they draw your attention so if you stuff up the body people are less likely to notice.

yeah personality is what matters the most to me as well.

yeah hopefully she can help me a bit more next time I've felt better since seeing her though.

haha, well I'm starting to run out of names now so I don't name everything anymore but I'll probably name the turkeys I got today. Nah I didn't name all of my chickens I think all together over the years I've had close to 200 chickens so it would be very hard to name them all but I've probably named about half of them only the special ones got names and I don't name my Guinea down they are to hard to tell apart only 3 of them have names.

my horse is called Leroy, the goats are Remy and Fergus, then the cats are tootsie and misty, the maremma sheep dogs Elsie, the whippets cuddles and my little mini foxy is called bella. And most of the other animals I have at the moment have names but some of them don't some just get nick names like the girls and the three amigos.

i found out yesterday that my best friends husbands been accusing her of having an affair with her manager and he won't let her see her brother who just had a major accedent she dosent have much to do with her family becuase they were very abusive but she has a little to do with this brother. That's why she hasn't been talking to me becuase she dosent want to worry me but I have my ways of finding out, I'm pretty worried about her.

[Pysis]

I'm home by myself all day today till late it's days like today when I just feel empty and alone, I used to see my friend every weekend but now I'm lucky to see her at all. I used to feel like I had a family but now I just feel alone all the time the people that used to care about me arnt around anymore and I just don't ever feel overly safe I used to know that if my dad got real bad or kicked me out or somthing I had someone who loved me I could turn to but now I have no back up plan. I just feel so lost half the time.

[startingnew]

Yeah give the one minute drawings a go, just have fun with it.




Haha wow such a wide range of names!


Wow your also very tall but it doesnt mean you need a huge skittish horse to learn on either. Something thats big but quiet esp the quietness that cant be stressed enough for beginners. Stupid people who just want to get rid of their horses. That really annoys me.
Ahh see theres always a reason behind these sorts of things. I couldnt see why she would just stop talking to you. Lets hope she leaves that idiot sounding husaband of hers. She sounds like she deserves better than him.

how did last night go? everything ok?

and today?