My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[Apollo_Black]

At the end of the day if you're not getting what you need from your marriage - do something about it. I did and it resulted in the end or our marriage. I've come to realise that my soon to be ex-wife isn't a nice person and that's something I can't live with.

If you're being abused - probably best to get out of the relationship. I spent many years not even realising I was in an abusive marriage and continually strived harder to be more "nice" and make things better - just like Paul.

If you're not pulling your weight - well, get your act together, that's pretty straight forward.

For sure "give love without expectation" - however if this is what you are doing and NEVER get anything in return, you are in a completely one sided relationship. Go to point #1 and do something about it

[Country_girl_72]

Thank you ! I re read my post and thought "mmm maybe a bit washy washy to some", but what I was really trying to say, in a very long winded fashion, is what a difference kindness and support makes from your partner/ husband, if you are a sufferer of depression.

I'm taking a walk on the other side of the fence now, and trying to navigate a difficult relationship with a complex man, but because of what I didn't receive in my marriage, I'm prepared to give it my all, with this other man.

And I'm sure it will be worth it. If you put lots of good things out there, it will come back but maybe in different forms that can't be quantified.

Or maybe, in the end, you just don't give up on the person that you supposedly love, with all your heart. Love is the answer.

[Loula]

Want real honesty?

Girls and Guys brains are 100% different! We can switch out sex drive on. We don't see a nipple and get an erection straight away! Hello, man are from Mars and girls are from Venus.

Some times we are not in the mood. Some times we feel insecure about our bodies always having to see the perfect figure on tv and magazines? Mabye we got so much on our mind we forget about it.

Once we feel loved and connected on in a deeper level, understood and encourage then we are more then happy to have sex.

[Country_girl_72]

Hi Mr Cool, hope all's well.

I really don't believe that women use sex or lack there of, as a weapon. Sorry Blond guy I know that as you're stuck in the 80's citing Pat Benator (!!) that you believe we females have such an agenda. Really, who has got the time to formulate stuff like that in their heads? !!!!, unless there is some personality disorder at play.

Perhaps there are some out there that think like that, but I really don't think too many do. Many of us are just bloody buggered, expected to perform ten times the jobs that women performed in the 1950's, be intelligent, hard working, an extreme multi tasker AND a sex kitten in the bedroom. Maybe it is something to do with what modern men, now expect of modern woman.

Shutting off the sex/ intimacy tap can come about, from many reasons, not necessarily to do with the man. It can be more about a woman's needs not being understood. And like I said before, she's just bloody worn out.

It's very very hard for both the woman and men in these situations, I really don't know the answer. Hell, I'm still looking for the answer!

Just don't give up, and always do the best you can do. And the 80's was a wonderful place to be... So simple. I think these days, life is more "Love is a Battlefield" thanks again to Pat Benator.👍

Lots of luck

[blondguy]

Hi CG, you are an excellent communicator. The reference to'Sex as a Weapon' was tongue in cheek but I hear you loud and clear. I am proud to have been a great partner that has been gold to my ex. I was brought up to be understanding and kind towards women. I cant find a girl that can reciprocate my feelings.

Maybe some guys with a yobbo attitude need a wake up to be more understanding. I am happy with how I am towards girls where respect and understanding is concerned.

You nailed it with 'Love is a Battlefield'..great track too...:-)

Paulx

[werris]

Hi Apollo

Its been awhile. I have been reading the posts and trying to keep looking ahead, just feeling my way.

Thank you so much for your reply.

Yes I have children. Two boys. My eldest moved to Japan 3 years ago and my youngest is in the final year of Uni.

15 years is a long time. I cannot say that there have not been good periods but the duration of the good times was always very short and the interval between them always grew longer.

No progress to report on the relationship front since March, other than to say that my wife briefly engaged in a reasonable discussion which raised my hopes for a time. It didn't take long for her to forget the discussion and revert to her normal position.

This week I have passed through the bitterness and resentment. I have arrived at realization, after counselling a young employee on personal matter she then returned the favour with remarkable insight.

I am now making plans for myself and renewed happiness.

A new job.

A new state.

A new life.

I have finished flogging the dead horse.

With this decision made I now feel liberated.

Thank you to all who share, advise and counsel.

You will never fully realize the enormity your empathy and support provide.

Thank you all.

[DeepBreath]

Hey all,

Thanks for posting these thoughts.

I'm caught in the same loop as everyone else and in a particularly down patch at the moment. Hard not to take it personally. My partner and I usually have sex once a month. It last for 10 minutes. I do everything, she lies there and doesn't touch me at all. She says she likes it that way and every other position/approach is far too much effort.

We have kissed (passionately) for a good 5 years. She hasn't given me a physical compliment at all in this time. She doesn't touch/hug/caress/come near me. In the other direction. it's completely the other way. I massage her most nights (she feels neglected if I don't do it for a week).

I'm wary of smothering and we talk about that regularaly In fact, our relationship is amazing apart from the physical intimacy. We communicate more than any couple I know. We are thoughtful with each other, amazing friends. We align on the important issues, especailly around parenting.

I'm 100% aware and feel very strongly about people not having sex when they don't want to. I don't want that kind of sex. I don't want it out of obligation - I want it out of passion. Yeah, passion is the word that describes what I'm missing.

I've tried everything: backing right off for a couple of months, forcing the issue. I exercise, meditate, read and basically make sure I'm in peak condition for my own sanity and to make sure I don't let myself go.I've tried romance. I've tried talking directly about it. We've tried counselling. My wife even said (reluctantly) that I could sleep with other people. I was so offended and hurt. Then I made plans to do this. But I just couldn't. I'm not like that - it's not how I'm built.

This issue clouds my head so often. I'm always doing things to reduce tension in the relatinship, in the bedroom. To make things easier. To accommodate. To satisfy all of her needs (sexual, emotional, day-to-day) and I get so frustrated that this important need of mine is just completely neglected. What am I supposed to do? I'm so sick of the phases of feeling so low, then learning to ignore it for a while, then it happening again. I'm so nourished by the relationship, but so undernourished sexually and with all forms of intimacy. Really don't know what to do.

So sick of the hurt and rejection. So sick of feeling low.

What do I do?

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Deep Breath.

It sounds to me like you have much compassion and understanding, you are doing the right things. I wish I had some answers but in fact I am in a very similar situation.

I thoroughly recommend that you find a good counselor and talk to them about how you are feeling. Even if you cannot find solutions for your relationship you will find ways to feel better in your self. What did the counselor that you have already seen recommend?

This situation doesn't make you a failure, I know you are not getting what you want and deserve but you have responded exceptionally well, don't forget to take some satisfaction from that, daily.

Jack

[Apollo_Black]

Maybe you're looking out for her needs too much? Can you elaborate on this - "I'm always doing things to reduce tension in the relatinship, in the bedroom. To make things easier. To accommodate. To satisfy all of her needs (sexual, emotional, day-to-day)"?

I'm assuming you've read the entire thread. I always recommend Athol Kay. If you haven't read his books, I suggest doing so. If you think you've tried everything, I would recommend arranging a coaching call with him.

Her saying go and do it with someone else is a major red flag. I'm assuming you've ruled out a) medical issues b) her having an affair?

[SubduedBlues]

When I was married: If my wife wanted me to sleep with other women... geez, I was like you in this regard... my sex belonged to her, it was not for me to give out to others; even if she allowed it to happen. That is not me.

However, in hindsight, perhaps I should have asked her if she wanted to share me with her friends. Hmmm, sometimes I wonder if she wanted another to join us (her).