Just want to Shout out

[Guest_1055]

I am just so tired, and I don't think I can try anymore. All I want to do is curl up tight and cry and cry. I am sick of this, and I even feel cross, as I said that. I can't do this, I just can't. And I don't think I want to anymore. I am not asking for any advice really and I am aware of the phone numbers and such., etc. But I just want to shout and shout out loud and say that I am plain sick of this. I am tired of struggling to get to where ever it is that I am going. I don't think I am making any sense either. So since I am unable to shout out in real life at the moment. I hope it is okay with whoever who reads this that I am virtually going to shout out now. I also feel like punching out, because it is just too much. It's too much.

I HATE THIS, JUST HATE IT. I AM TIRED OF FAILING AND FAILING. I JUST WANT TO GO.

[SourceShield]

Dear Paul.

I send hugs and much love your way, at this time.

Im sorry to read about the loss of your father.

We are here for you too.

MuchCare&Kindness

[Guest_9809]

Hello Shelley anne. I am pleased to hear that your need to shout has diminished. The neighbours may not appreciate it, especially at this time of night. (-:

Crying is okay - as you have found, it does relieve some of that pent up pressure and frustration just a little.

Blondguy - I am very sorry to hear of the recent death of your Dad. Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss.

Taurus xx

[Guest_1055]

Oh I feel honored Pipsy that you would choose to write to me. I am not sure exactly why, but perhaps it has to do with the fact that I see you as some sort of patriarch. ie you have been on BB far longer then me I believe. So thank you!

Um I do know a little of your story including just recently when you have been ill . Are you better now?

I have read and re read your post to me, it does take me a while to comprehend what people are saying sometimes. So I hope that I have understood you correctly?

Yeah that is right the "Why doesn't he love me?" question. I have asked that many many times and times with torrents of tears rolling down my cheeks, or an angry emotion trying to force its way out. But mostly I feel rejected at the time. Rejection is very painful and I have found it can grow into a depressed state in my heart quite quickly. Pipsy if you have felt this painful feeling of rejection from whoever, I am truly sorry.

My circumstances may be different to how yours were, because I know I have done things wrong. ie not knowing how to truly love someone, my hubby. And even as I write this now, I can feel tears from the fact that I have hurt him and even been a burden on him. Unconsciously trying to make him love me and not knowing that it had and still does put a heavy pressure on him. I don't believe he felt free. It is a little difficult to explain. But I think I was trying too hard, rather then just letting closeness sort of just grow. I just wanted someone to want me so much and was in great need of someone to love me. I was and can still be far to inward looking, forgetting to give love out. Maybe it is selfishness on my part or something. But I do believe in my case that my hubby is the right man for me. And I do desire to love him with my whole heart and soul. Also when one is depressed it can make it a challenge to love those we live with at times, because for me being in that state...f well it was hard to do anything at all. And I was even more inward looking then before.

I am sorry you have had such a painful and difficult year Pipsy, but I am happy for you that you are feeling better.

I am not sure if you remember but once you said to me it would be nice to have a coffee together. So let me serve you a virtual cup of coffee now, or perhaps something else. You could even just sit here in this virtual comfy and soft chair. And just relax a while.

Thanks heaps Pipsy

Love Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Hey BC68,

I know you are struggling or you were when I read a thread of yours maybe last week or so. How are you getting along now?

Hope it is okay with you, but I did smile a happy smile at your very kind offer to hold the punching bag for me. Thanks for helping me to smile and understanding me

I do hope you are alright.

Love

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Hey dear Kaz,

Gosh I got a happy surprise after I finished writing a reply to Pipsy and posted it. As yourself, Mr Woof and Taurus all popped out at me at once.

Anyway I hope you are getting along alright there Kaz. I was aware that you are no longer working at that place. Are you working again now? Or are you doing something else? Thank you ever so much for your hug and thinking of me. Here is one for you also. Sending it right down now to the Canberra region, assuming you still live around there somewhere.

Love and thank you again

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Oh I am sorry about your dad Paul. I don't know what to say except that. Here is a hug for you, just in case you are in need of one.

Shelleybelly xx

[Guest_1055]

Hey Taurus,

Hope you are now sleeping soundly as I do know you are having trouble sleeping.

And yeah exactly right the neighbours would not appreciate me shouting out. And it is almost 12:30am. In reality though I would be embarrassed If they ever did hear me. Generally the shouts are muffled by my pillow here or forced out whilst driving along somewhere. Or turned into a punch towards the same poor pillow. Though I did punch a hole in the wall once with force. Didn't even know I was that strong. And I don't recommend it either.

And yeah the crying does help some.

In kindness

Shell xx

[pipsy]

Hi Paul. So sorry to hear of your father's passing. I realize it's probably a relief for you, but the pain is still pretty raw. The mixed emotions you are probably experiencing at the moment would be incredible. I know I still hurt when I think of my parents passing. Is your mum okay, I seem to remember you mentioned she has dementia, am I correct? If I'm wrong, please excuse the blunder.

Btw, everything health-wise for me is great now. The cancer scare is over.

Lynda

[pipsy]

Hi Shell. Hope the abbreviation to your name is acceptable. I would be equally honored to share a coffee with you. My rejection stems from my childhood. Too much water under the bridge now, but the rejection from them has caused me to fear connection with anyone. I married because I believed my (now ex) would provide me with the love and comfort I needed. I do have someone in my life now who has promised to be there whenever. However fear again of rejection makes me not a good candidate for long term. The person I now have actually is on the same page emotionally so he's better for me. My health scares earlier are past and I'm physically better. I do have a job which also enables me to work better here too. I also tried to make my ex love me as I wanted. His upbringing however made him unsuitable as he didn't want or need a 'clinging vine'. His first concern was always his parents who also failed to understand my depression or needs. I do not consider myself a failure, now. I did, but through this new man in my life, I have come to realize no-one actually fails in relationships, if there is no connection to begin with. The connection stems from two people wanting the same things and being prepared to work together to achieve this. If the bond or connection is strong, nothing can break it except the people in it. Outside influences don't stand a chance. I sincerely hope you and hubby can work through your problems and build a strong, true, lasting relationship.

Lynda

[White_Rose]

Hello Shelley

It's been a while since we last 'spoke'. I see you have created several lovely and very helpful threads on BB. Thank you and well done.

Needing to SHOUT OUT LOUD is how I feel. Sadly I do not have the courage to do that in real time but it does help to write about life's frustrations. Sometimes I even discover what I am angry about. Feeling unloved is horrid. But I must disagree with you that the fault is yours. Geoff commented in another thread that it takes two to tango and this applies in marriage as well as any other partnership. Both must want the partnership to survive, grow and thrive. You can be as loving as possible but if the other does not reciprocate it will not work.

Well it may work for the person being loved because you are doing all the work. There comes a time to say Goodbye. It took me 30 years to leave. Would it have been better had I left earlier? I have no idea and it is a fruitless to try and work out. We are here now and what we do now will influence our future.

I have not been around much lately as I am trying to cope with a huge event in my life. I know this thread has been running for a while and today I felt I must jump in for a while. At the moment I want to SHOUT OUT LOUD but as I said, I'm not really able to do that. Instead I will use your lovely thread, and it is lovely, to say thank you for sharing. Perhaps if we both have the courage and capacity we can shout across Australia to each other. 😊

Many thanks

Mary