Just want to Shout out

Guest_1055 · ‎12-11-2016

I am just so tired, and I don't think I can try anymore. All I want to do is curl up tight and cry and cry. I am sick of this, and I even feel cross, as I said that. I can't do this, I just can't. And I don't think I want to anymore. I am not asking for any advice really and I am aware of the phone numbers and such., etc. But I just want to shout and shout out loud and say that I am plain sick of this. I am tired of struggling to get to where ever it is that I am going. I don't think I am making any sense either. So since I am unable to shout out in real life at the moment. I hope it is okay with whoever who reads this that I am virtually going to shout out now. I also feel like punching out, because it is just too much. It's too much.

I HATE THIS, JUST HATE IT. I AM TIRED OF FAILING AND FAILING. I JUST WANT TO GO.

velvetfaerie · ‎30-10-2017

Shell

apologies for my absence xx

i hear you

hugs**

Guest_1055 · ‎30-10-2017

Ah no apology needed Velv. And thanks for hearing me.

Shell x

velvetfaerie · ‎30-10-2017

Feeling devalued by those we value is the pits. I totally understand.

Lots of people here value you. Me included.

V.

Guest_3712 · ‎30-10-2017

Hi Shelley

I hear you and understand your pain.

Wish I could see you and give you a proper hug

You are special and deserved to be acknowledged as such by those in your off line life too

Take Care

Stressless

Guest_1055 · ‎30-10-2017

Thankyou heaps for the hugs Velv and Stressless. And thanks even more for the time you gave to me in posting to me.

I have decided today that I am not going to wait and hope that my hubby will ever love me the way that I desire. And that I am not going to rely on him anymore to help me be a happier person. Because my marriage is say extremely painful for me. It is so broken and hurts me so much.

Anyway I am unsure how I will go about this.... besides continuing to improve my physical health by exercising and eating real well. Changing things that I can change perhaps?? I am going to get a haircut very soon. It has not been cut for a long time. Bit scared to go to hairdresser, but I am going to do it. And I am going to look for a paid job. That too sounds a bit scary.

I also read a post on BB that inspired me this morning. I will copy some off it and paste it in here.

But it was something to do with pressure. I think I have been putting pressure on my hubby to be a certain way, to treat me a certain way so that I feel loved etc. Well I chose to let this all go. No more expectations ..... I cannot work this out. And I do not want to add a weight or any more pressure to him. I think this was pushing him away. The very opposite to want I so much desire. I want him to love me if he chooses to. Then it may be real and free. I am losing my train of thought now.

But I feel a sense of hope....

Elizabeth CP · ‎31-10-2017

Hi shell, I think you have some great ideas in your last post. Pity great ideas aren't always easy to follow through but they are worth it. I am not going to rely on him anymore to help me be a happier person. ... Changing things that I can change. I think those two statements are the key. Do whatever helps you to be the person you want to be rather than waiting for others. My psych said something similar today. He said I can't control what others do so I need to do what works for me.

Do you see anyone eg psych or counsellor? Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who can be objective & listen to you and then help you work out ways to change. I have found this really helpful.

Guest_1055 · ‎03-11-2017

You are right Elizabeth my ideas are really challenging to follow.

And I am feeling quite defeated and the hope that I felt is now gone. I could not even make myself exercise today. I walked into the gym and then turned right back around and walked out again. The tears and anger were too close to the surface. The day before that, my legs felt like they were going to buckle as I walked on the treadmill. Not from anything physical , but rather from emotional pain.

And yes I go to group type counselling. I can logically see where all my pain is sort of coming from. It has been or is being contunially triggered within my marriage. My desire to be listen to, heard, cherished, wanted, not ignored and to be treated like I matter is a huge desire. It was not there whilst I was growing up, I did not feel any of that. My marriage is the same, I am invisible. And I have an expectation that he should at least notice that I am here. It is really hard, as I think I am expecting my hubby to meet those unfulfilled needs from long ago. But he is not my parent is he, nor is he God? My observation here.... the more needy I appear to him ( hubby) the more he seems to not want to be with me. It is pushing him away, I think. My need for acceptance is huge.

Guest_1055 · ‎03-11-2017

To my hubby, you may never read this.... but I love you. I wish you saw me here in this life on earth. Someone on the sidelines, praying for us. I want to be an us, not alone. I see you live your life, but I am not a part of it.

velvetfaerie · ‎03-11-2017

Shelley I understand your pain. I really do for I feel it and have felt it.

Im matching my butt to the gym to sweat it out. I hope you find the strength and courage to join me soon, via our virtual life here.

Its hard I know. It eats up your self worth. But only allow it to be temporary. Emotions are allowed!! But you’re awesome 😎

xxxxx

Elizabeth CP · ‎03-11-2017

I wonder if you would consider individual counselling. While groups can be could in sharing ideas & getting increased understanding sometimes you need one on one to really address your specific issues. I have found my psych has given me very specific strategies to deal with issues I was having with my husband. Following his suggestion really helped me. This is just a suggestion. You deserve to be happy & treated as the lovely person you are