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It was all my fault

buster11
Community Member
Hi again - I'm not asking for sympathy nor understanding, a chat perhaps. I met an amazing lady about 2yrs ago and she took me in and cared for me amazingly. I was still seeing a lady that I'd spent time with previously but didn't and don't love at all, it was just companionship. I did the worse thing ever and slept with her again. Absolutely no idea why and I have regretted every second since. My partner who I just love beyond belief found out and we have been trying to work things out. The only thing is she has a really hard time dealing with it at times. For the past 2yrs it will be mentioned or more questions and it turns into a nightmare for me. I have done everything I can to write this horrible wrong but cant seem to get the chance to move on. About 3 weeks ago it came up again and out of frustration I've started harming myself because its something that keeps hitting in the face and just wont go away. I deserve everything I'm getting and dealing with but need it to go away (not forgotten) so we can both hopefully enjoy everything in front of us.
128 Replies 128

I'm sorry to hear your news SN. I hope you are dealing okay now.

Seriously why did I do it. Its driving me insane - absolutely ruined and taken over my life.

Hi Buster11,

We spoke earlier on. Hopefully you're not punishing yourself. Only you know the answers as to why and I'm thinking your wife keeps bringing it up to remind you what u did to her and to not do it again but its a bit unfair if you've learnt your lesson. Are you OK? Is there anything else happening ATM?

Hi Monkey - thank you for your response. Just wont stop.....to the point I'm really not wanting to go home. We were intimate the other night and straight after apparently I smelt different. Immediately got asked the question if I'd been with someone else. Many nights I've left and not wanting to go back - slept many many nights away in the car. Never never can I relax.

No there is nothing else going on, thanks again

Wowee Buster11,

I hope you've forgiven yourself for what you did because you do deserve that. I'm sure you've reassured her it wouldn't happen again but it sounds as if she still has trust issues. Does she know that you can't relax and am sleeping in your car? I can only hope the home situation gets better for you because you don't continually need to be reminded, or punished.

Yes she knows that I'd never ever hurt her again. I have worked so hard to show this. Even physically hard in terms of work wise to show how committed. I am seriously constantly on edge almost to the point of exhaustion. I say sorry constantly for even the most simple things because I'm afraid to mess up. She says she'll keep trying - but I cant keep living like this and worst of all I cant live without her. I'm such an idiot.

You're human and you made a mistake. I agree you shouldn't have to feel the way you do. You should both be forgiving the past, letting go, moving forward and being comfortable together, but it doesn't sound like its happening. In your situation it seems like the past has a hold, it's haunting. Not fair really.

You both either have to let it go and forgive, give it more time, or separate. Past mistakes shouldn't haunt your future like this. She isn't making it easy is she?

Far from making it easy. I've done all I can to try and make this better/okay. I cant keep asking for change and for it to stop

From what you are saying I believe you have done everything you can and won't do it again. I can only give u my sympathy and hope it will stop but from the sounds of things she's going to keep going on and on. Some ppl are like that, they like the sound of their own voice and want to keep putting that knife in ,keep another person on edge,make them uncomfortable. Cool, OK, you get it! It's done. No need to be reminded all the time it's putting you both back at square one.

Like starting new said why can't she just let bygons be bygons. Sounds like this is her payback. But, when will she let up, when will she give u a second chance?? Without making you feel the way she has in the process? I'm sure by now her point has been made. I'm sure by now she has made it known so many times that it was wrong, I'm sure by now she has made you feel uneasy that many times, I'm sure by now....Buster you can't be punished over and over and over....you're adult enough to understand already.

I re-read this thread from the start and white knight and Croix wrote some great things at the beginning, have u re-read them. Starting new has also been an amazing continued support for you...and I'm here.

Thank you so much for your time Monkey. I think decisions need to be made