It was all my fault

[buster11]

Hi again - I'm not asking for sympathy nor understanding, a chat perhaps. I met an amazing lady about 2yrs ago and she took me in and cared for me amazingly. I was still seeing a lady that I'd spent time with previously but didn't and don't love at all, it was just companionship. I did the worse thing ever and slept with her again. Absolutely no idea why and I have regretted every second since. My partner who I just love beyond belief found out and we have been trying to work things out. The only thing is she has a really hard time dealing with it at times. For the past 2yrs it will be mentioned or more questions and it turns into a nightmare for me. I have done everything I can to write this horrible wrong but cant seem to get the chance to move on. About 3 weeks ago it came up again and out of frustration I've started harming myself because its something that keeps hitting in the face and just wont go away. I deserve everything I'm getting and dealing with but need it to go away (not forgotten) so we can both hopefully enjoy everything in front of us.

[white knight]

Hi buster, welcome

I understand.

In life IMO there are some decisions made that means you cant unscramble the egg. We all make mistakes, everyone, some worse mistakes than others. When this happens and the other party is hurt, our control over the situation is lost. I'd suggest this has led to your self harm. It isnt a good place to be.

Then of cause it leaves your future in their hands. Until there is positive development and agreement, resolution between you both, such a situation will continue to fester.

In these situations professional counseling is a good wise move, the sooner the better. Try Relationships Australia.

Getting back to your self harming. It can help, regardless of your love for your GF if you create options in the case it doesnt work out. When I do this it gives me some comfort that I have a rough alternative plan.

I hope I've helped. People go bankrupt through bad decisions, people get tempted to buy a car even when only looking....and we shouldnt enter a car yard unless we are prepared to buy. You know that now. It is pointless beating yourself up about it.

Post anytime. Chat away. Glad you're here

Tony WK

[buster11]

Hi white night - thank you for your time and great advice. You're right we all do make bad decisions and mine I absolutely hate myself for. My partner wont go to counselling as she believes it wasn't her fault. My frustration comes from the knowledge that I've done absolutely everything I can to try and make things right but it seems so very usless.

Take care Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Buster11~

Tony has given some pretty good advice and you've responded, which is really great. It looks like there are two things on the go. The first is of course your original actions that caused a rift. OK, as Tony says you can't unscramble the egg.

Now however you have something else - that rift is taking on a life of its own and you are starting to have to self-harm to cope. True your partner did not cause the original problem, but with the matter unresolved and you feeling pressured and guilty every time the matter is revisited this new problem needs solving by the pair of you.

Can you have a discussion with your partner and let her know that both of you are suffering and ask what can be done to give you both some security? If you have not sone so already I'd suggest you tell her how you have been coping. I guess you will need a fair degree of tact to not point any blame at her, and not to make it seem like some form of emotional blackmail.

To make her feel better and more secure does not mean just keep on apologizing and saying you will not do it again, try for more than that. I can't advise what exactly as I do not know the lady, but one thing might be to try hard not to have situations where she is in doubt and worrying about your absence. Another is to take extra pains to make her feel good.

If you can work on this together you will have a stronger relationship.

Tony is also spot on in saying counseling would be good, for either or both of you. Self-harm normally means a condition such as anxiety that really should be looked at by a professional.

Croix

[buster11]

Hi Croix - thank yo so much for your input and I have been seeing a Councillor regarding my anxiety and thoughts. That's part of my frustration is that I'm doing absolutely everything I can to get myself and eventually us back to a good place but she just throws it up again every 2-3 wks. Its hard to try and begin to be okay about myself again when constant reminders take me back to the beginning. Its difficult because I caused it and really have no right to defend it. I hate seeing her hurt so much. She will explode and its vicious mental wise for me. The next day she will say its just hard for her and needs to let it out.

[startingnew]

Hi Buster

you asked me to take a look at this thread- hopefully this is the one your talking about.

ive taken a read here but this is out of my league and i have no idea what to say as ive never been in this situation myself....

hopefully these guys here can give you more insight than what i can

[startingnew]

Hey Buster

do you want to talk about last night on this thread? these guys might be able to help more as well

you said you had a bad night and everything was brought back up again... was this in the form of a conversation or a nightmare?

[buster11]

Oh no it was a conversation -

Just thought is was going to be normal night and then all of a sudden what I had done was brought back up again. Like I said I'm absolutely everything to be okay for her, me and us going forward with things. But i keep getting dragged back to the beginning.

[monkey_magic]

It sounds to me like she keeps wanting u to feel guilty, or she's processing, re- processing continuously which isn't healthy. She prob in a world of pain.

It's good that you're willing to work through it.

I really think a third party needs to be involved to help validate feelings and to get everything out in the open.

The mess needs to be solved.

Hope I've helped.

[buster11]

Thank you guest_43256 - great advice and I agree with everything you have said. She wont allow a third party and wont be involved in that as she didn't cause it.

I am very aware she is in a world of pain and I absolutely deserve everything I get. Its been over 18 months now and many many days of pain. I would do absolutely anything for this person. Every single second of my day is taken up by me thinking and trying to get this better. I guess I don't deserve it but very selfishly how do I get the chance to be okay too?