It's over. Feel like giving up.

[Guest_223]

Hi, in the short time I've been on this forum, This is the last time I will be posting on here, I'm at the point where I feel like reaching out does nothing for me. I've done nothing but reach out over the last 18 months which is the most I've ever done in my life. To be honest rather than be helpful to me it has created more traumatising events in my life and I feel I need to avoid society. I'm never contacting a helpline again, not talking to the local mental health team, I'm going to full on avoid society, keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself, no matter what they are or how serious they are, and even when I don't feel safe like at the moment I won't be making the mistake of telling anyone of any plans or terrible thoughts.

[Croix]

Dear MissMarra~

You know I and others here relate to how you are feeling, and can understand the thoughts, exhaustion and not knowing what to do to make it better.

By now you may be annoyed at me because I keep rabbiting on about what seems to be inessentials. I talk about writing, music and anything else, and not much about your situation, what happened in the past and plans to make things better.

I also keep asking your thoughts abut things that may have helped (you did come back and mention music).

As an intelligent woman I'm sure you are well aware of what I'm trying to do, which is to try to make the enduring of the horrors you have to live though more palatable, with tiny bits of escape.

In ordinary life -if there is such a thing - there is a mix of good and bad, the essential and trivial. Trivial has it's place.

In your life it is all essentials, and they are highly unpleasant ones. So I try to present other things, and to get you to talk to me about them.

It's not some weird theory of mine, it is what I try to do, and get my partner to help me do, when all is on top of me.

So please come back and talk

Croix

[Fiasco]

Hi missmara,

im sorry you're feeling this way. I want to give you a virtual hug and tell you im thinking of you. I have no advice that hasn't already been offered. All I can say is that I'm here, and I'm happy to listen to anything you want to say.

[Guest_223]

Its a day where I feel like people around me would be better off without me. Then I wouldn't be a problem Or an inconvenience to anyone which is what I feel. I've been told almost all day that I'm a horrible selfish person. Then a psychiatrist says let's try a new medication. Of which I'm not even going to give a try because I've been told by other psychiatrists that medication is not the answer and i accepted that. Now I feel like hurting myself is the only answer....

[Sophie_M]

Hi missmara88, thanks for posting and sorry to read that you're struggling today.  If you're feeling that hurting yourself is the only answer, we really need you to access offline professional help as we can't provide you with the support that you need here on an internet forum.  This is not us pushing you away, but directing you to the most appropriate help at this time.  

Our members here have been trying their best to support you, but there is only so much we can do in a space like this when suicidal thoughts are very intense and don't seem to be lifting.

Please call one of the numbers below tonight:
beyondblue 1300 22 4636
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
Lifeline 13 11 14

Once the immediate crisis has passed, please come back and let us know what worked for you to get you through.  Not only will that help others in the community who are struggling, but it will provide you with an anchor to come back to if you experience another crisis.

[Croix]

Dear MissMara~

You have had a pretty ghastly day. I've probably mentioned to you before in my case I felt all would be better off without me. I was quite wrong.

Being told one is horrible and selfish would bruise the strongest person, making everything seem black. I'm not sure though that choosing the psychiatrist with the most negative outlook is right. Things only have to 'click' once after all, and won't unless you give it a try.

Would you like to say who has been saying such rotten things to you?

You need to try to put such abuse out of your mind. Can I mention using the 24/7 help line so you can hear a more positive human voice? They expect calls and may offer distraction and even sometimes advice.

Like Fiasco, James and others I'm worried about you and would help more if I knew how

Croix

[Just Sara]

Hi MissM;

I came across this thread in my travels and have had a bit of a cruise thru, though I'm sorry I haven't read it all. I hope you don't mind me popping in to chat.

Although you've spoken often about self defeating thoughts, I see a resilience in you that has me in awe! I also see an amazing willingness to reach out to help others. Bloody inspirational indeed! More than these wonderful traits though, your courage in getting thru the bad days can't be denied.

The support you've been shown on BB is wonderful as well. These people have stuck with you thru it all; their caring and commitment is on par with the best I've seen. How lucky you are to have found them.

Now, as my pic shows, I can be a bit of a tough nut, but I assure you, my centre's as mushy as marshmallow.

So why use the movie character Sarah Conner as my Avatar you might ask; in a nutshell...we're both hell bent on doing whatever it takes to survive!

So MissM, is there a SURVIVOR inside you? Because if there is, and I'm willing to bet money there is, BeyondBlue is the perfect place to help get your mind back on track if you use it the way it's meant to be used.

Each time you post about all that's wrong in your life, it perpetuates a horrible cycle of self abuse and defeat. You matter! Ok? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to have relief and peace? Because if you are, I won't give up on you as long as you need me! Ever!

I know this to be true, I've lived it! I'm still here after dragging myself thru the mud and filth that nearly ended me more times than I want to admit, in front of all these beautiful people.

If you're up for it, my first suggestion is to start a new thread and let this one go. Call it something powerful like MM's Boot Camp, or No Guts, No Glory! Your 1st post could be to express that anger of yours, to vent 'without berating yourself'. Let it all hang out hun.

I want you to achieve with me by your side; to get your mind and body working for you, not against you. And, to acknowledge your pain, your soul destroying pain. My sensitive side's here for you too my sweet.

I'm not a medical professional, but my experience and real empathy can be an asset along your step by step journey of recovery. If you appreciate a straight shooter who gives a damn, let's do it together.

Warm and kind thoughts;

Sara x

[Guest_223]

I had a really bad experience with the psychologist and I will not be returning to her at all. I felt offended by so many things she said then she forgot lots of things that had already been said. This sent me deeper into the point where all the nasty things that had been said about me from the day before seeing the psychologist and the way was feeling already then sent me into hospital of which I was out 12 hours later. It wasn't hard to be discharged I just made up some plans that didn't cause any concern. I could have very well carried out the ones I had thought about which led me to hospital if it wasn't for my husband picking me up from hospital that day.

[Croix]

Dear MissMara~

Thanks for coming back. Did you have a chance to read Sara's post to you? I find she talks a lot of sense (she has been here a lot longer than me too).

If you page back though this thread you can see that you have very great problems and have expressed them so we can all well understand. Unfortunately from reading those same posts you can see we have not been able to lift you out as yet, so we keep on trying as we care about you.

I'll have to repeat what I said before, part of dealing with a horrible situation is to give the body and mind a rest away from the turmoils and pain as much as one can. One also needs to try to find scraps of good in the bad and emphasis them. I guess it gives a measure of refreshment and encouragement during the long battle.

It does not mean one pretends the bad does not exist, or ignores it, one just tries for a balance to get strength.

You have mentioned one scrap of good, the fact that your husband is supportive, and another in that your eldest is with grandparents - a mixed blessing I know, though the fact there are loved ones to help is real gold.

I'd like to ask you what some of your wins are. I know it would be easy to say none, but before you do have a cast around in your mind.

Can being something tiny like not being angry at someone, even though you felt like it, or something more everyday like making a child smile, I believe you have five.

Can you think of an occasion when your husband gave you the exact support you needed at the time and made you feel a little better? Even if it was only ferrying oyu away from hospital.

I did ask before about what took you out of yourself, and you mentioned listening to music, what do you like?

Soldiers have R&R, police and firefighters have the ability to come home and see normal life, you need something too.

Croix

[Guest_223]

Thankyou. I really appreciate the support from everyone on this forum. I'm very much trying to battle with all that I have right now. I think I have pretty good awareness and insight of my mental health and the way I react and behave it's learning to cope with all the distress that I'm finding really difficult right now.

[Guest_223]

I can think of the times where my husband listens and that sometimes is all I need. I have realised that I have awareness And insight into my mental health and how I react and behave. The most challenging is the distress I'm trying to cope with right now. I like pop music mostly and a lot of songs on the radio nothing in particular