Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[Croix]

Dear TA~

This sounds pretty similar to what I had, and as I've said it was the start of my improvement. I would think it is exactly what you have needed for a fair while.

Croix

[The_Abyss]

Thank you everyone - I really appreciate your words.

I'm not in a good place today - I am exhausted from doing too much yesterday, have been battling a respiratory bug for a week and can't get a doctors review, I am over tired and overwhelmed. The group classes feel like a waste of time, and I have lost so much self confidence that I feel I will be a burden forever.

The psychiatrist I am seeing while my regular one is away is useless. He was great on our first meeting, but has been a total waste of time and space since. I feel like being admitted has been a complete waste, a huge mistake.

Already low and feeling lousy, I wandered out to dinner at the same time as one of the new patients were being admitted. My secret is out - she is the daughter of a work colleague, a mutual friend of my husband, from my town. I see her or her family most days. There is no way that my secret is safe any longer. At the very least, her parents and my husband are likely to visit at the same time. I am devastated. I have worked so hard to keep my world private, my secret safe from everyone including work and family, and in one foul swoop it's all for nothing. I sit here in tears, no way out, no way forward. Exhausted with the fight, exhausted with lack of sleep, exhausted from being sick, exhausted with the failure. Alone. The staff on tonight are not ones I get on with very well, so I can't talk to them. The discovery happened after I got back from the psych, so I won't see him for several days (fat lot of good he is anyway), I can't escape to see my psychologist, not sure I feel that I can bring it up in group, husband has gone out for the night and didn't visit today as he had to bring my daughter up the road and she doesn't yet know so he couldn't visit without giving it away. Lost and alone. My safe haven no longer safe. Protection breached. Secret out, Betrayed. All for nothing.

[Guest_3712]

Hey TA

So sorry to hear you are really struggling- it's so frustrating that you are not getting the help you need.

So is your psychologist on the outside? Then I would suggest if u can ring or get hubby to ring and let him know how you are going.

They should be able to either visit or speak to someone in hospital. I changed psych in hospital because we just clashed.

I get that you don't think group is working for you. It is hard taking on other people's stuff and also trying to deal with yours- but it can be a great release too. Just get it off your chest.

There is no wrong or right . What you feel is what you feel.

Sorry that someone you know is in same hospital as you this can be awkward for sure.

TA can u possibly turn this into a positive? Instead of avoiding this girl maybe show her the ropes a little - you know how daunting it is at first.

This will make u feel good, and if you happen to run into her family- don't look down , no need to be ashamed you are getting help for an illness .

Something a lot of people never do . Try and get in touch with your psychologist- you are entitled to positive treatment and if the people there are not helping you they need to know.

Are u able to exercise or go for walks to give yourself some peace?

Again wish I was there - but am in spirit.

Stressless

[annie45]

Hi TA

I'm sorry you are still having such a hard time. I hope things can turn around for you soon.

You are strong you can do this

all my love

Annie

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

You sound so upset and I'm sorry you aren't feeling any better yet.

Do you think maybe part of it could be that you feel sick? Time to rest and take care of your body and kick this bug. Just leave the therapy until you're a little less exhausted and ill. Maybe then the other psych will be back?

As to the secret being out. Is that honestly such a bad thing? There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are unwell and need some help nothing wrong with that. I wonder what do you fear about people knowing? We know and we still think you're awesome.

I like how Stressless talked about making this into a positive. Were you happy with your life how it was? Keeping secrets? Trying to support yourself all on your own? Maybe this is a good thing... You don't have to do this on your own anymore. You're free to make some changes in your life that suit YOU and what you want and need for once. Whats wrong with that?

I hope you rest and try to fight off this illness. It's so hard to focus on anything when you feel sick.

Take care TA. I'm thinking of you

[White_Rose]

Dear TA

I missed your post about uni. I am so sorry this has happened and I hope the psych can make them see sense. You battled so hard to get these assignments completed and end being kicked in the teeth. So sorry.

It sounds like you are settling down in the hospital which is great. You are being well treated so don't be in a hurry to leave. This is the rest you need and to sort out all the competing medications etc.

When I have not had access to my computer I swear I have withdrawal symptoms. But once I get over this , in a day or so, it is as you say liberating. I love jigsaw puzzles as well though just lately I don't have time to finish them.

MAry

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I've mentioned I found being in hospital and away from the regular world was the start of my recovery. This was not just me giving you positive thoughts. It happened, it worked (even if slowly).

My life had been building up to this, my career, my invalidity, the pressure of trying to endure new work, and umpteen other things. Hospital was in many ways a break from the past, a past that was killing me. Not just one part of it, most of it.

When I came out it was not just my new meds, it was the fact that the things in my life that caused the stress were mostly gone that allowed my improvement to continue at home, improvement that continues even now.

I've often thought about your posts and your decision to withhold things, and felt right or wrong it was a huge burden you were taking on by saying nothing. Hospital allowed me to see what was happening 'from a distance', and made the subsequent changes to my life seem necessary and indeed almost welcome.

The world on your return can be a little different, but also a better place to live.

Even so, as Mary says please don't be in a hurry to leave where you are.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Ta

How are you going? I missed your post about meeting someone you know in the hospital. I can well imagine what a shock that was. I also think she would have been equally as shocked. After all, did you know she was having some problems? Are her parents telling everyone they know that their daughter is in a psych hospital? I doubt it. So it's unlikely they will talk about you. Stressless has the right idea, make friends with girl.

How are the group sessions going? Have you joined in yet? Doesn't really matter, just being there is good.

I have just read Croix post again and I really have to agree with him about withhold things. No need for publication but a different matter with your mental health team. Writing this make me feel a bit hypocritical because I know how long it takes me to tall my psych anything and how often it makes me feel ashamed of having that event or whatever in my life to begin with. Sometimes I feel like a small child 'owning up' to something.

I also liked Croix comment about seeing things from a distance while you are in hospital. It's true. I know my perspective changed just from spending one week in hospital. I think we all take on burdens that are too heavy for us because we believe we need to be the sole bearer of problems. And it's not true. We are not meant to live alone, we are a gregarious race and more than that we need to share some of our problems.

I hope when you next get access to a computer we will hear from you.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I missed your post about telling your kids sorry. How are you holding up?

It must feel strange having your family aware of your struggle at last but on the positive side you aren't alone in dealing with your MI anymore. Your kids are adults and maybe this is their opportunity to help care for you.

Were you able to talk to them at all? I hope you are alright.

Thinking of you TA.

[The_Abyss]

A huge thank you all for the support shown here, and on the "fear" thread. Croix and Mary in particular for your wise words.

It has been a really tough week. I got really sick, and this combined with the depression was my undoing. Too sick to excercise, so no burning off the stress and it built and built. Still on meds for a chest infection, but also suspect my sodium has dropped too low with the new meds. Will get it rechecked early this week and hopefully get rid of these side effects.

Telling my kids set up the perfect storm. I had down played the issues, and hubby dropped me right in it. None of us were coping. Hubby is also expecting a full explanation. Psych wanted to set up a family case conference, but I'm just not ready for that yet.

My son came to visit me. It was exhausting (that mask again) but OK. No matter how old they get, I'm still their mum, and it's my job to calm and reassure them. Yes, they can be there for me, but ultimately it's my job to be there for them.

The psychologist (group leader) suggested I do a different group for the next two weeks. The first program finishes Monday, and the original psychiatrist returns Tuesday. I will talk over my options with him. There is also a day program available as an out patient that may work, but it's nearly a 400 km round trip each day.

We did work on identity and acceptance the last couple of days. I came to realise that not only have I been unable to accept my MI, but the reasons are caught up with my identity. My whole life I have been the strong, dependable one. I have always been there to shoulder the load. I am the resilient one, the one that keeps going when others fail. The protector. This MI has challenged my identity in so many ways.

I realised yesterday that I had never gotten over being fired from a long term leadership job a couple of years ago as I lost my identity completely then. I no longer knew who I was or who I wanted to be. This latest fall with MI was simply the straw that broke the camel's back. If I am no longer the strong, dependable, resilient one, who am I?

My favourite nurse sat with me in the dining room for lunch yesterday and helped me come to terms with things. Simply by reaching out the hand of friendship and asking the right questions, he was able to break through the misery and get me thinking about things a different way. It hasn't fixed anything, but has allowed me to start coming to terms with some of the issues. I will be eternally grateful.

TA