Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[Guest_3712]

Mary

Bonfire on tonight !

Come join in the circle has a spot with your name on it

Stressless

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I miss you 😊.

I hope you're feeling even slightly better and are safe and taking care of yourself.

Anyway just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

[The_Abyss]

Where do I start? This past week has been such a huge roller coaster of challenges and emotions.

Firstly Chris - thank you. It really means so much that my comments have been shared with the wider health community. And even more that you took the time firstly to have noted them, and secondly that you left me feedback. Thank you.

And to you all that have left comments, lent support, thought of me, held my hand and propped me up - THANK YOU!

I have been in hospital for a week, and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt good for a whole day! (Although also now have the flu and also feel lousy!!!).

I have not been keeping up with BB as I still have no way to charge devices and so my phone and computer have sat idle .... so liberating! It was therefore wonderful to log on tonight and find your lovely comments.

I am still on 1/2 hourly checks, but they have eased up on them a bit of late, particularly at night. I have also finally been allowed a 2 hour break daily, and prescribed a daily half hour walk in the sunshine. Such liberation!

The hospital is quite nice. I have my own room and a queen sized bed, tv, fridge etc. Would have loved a bathtub but can understand why they only have showers!

They have made a lot of changes to my meds so have had some pretty rough times. The latest addition terrifies me, not least of which just for its implications of being on it.

Sleep remains a major issue and we are still experimenting with that.

I am getting used to daily group. I still don't participate, but am tolerating it better. The group is run by a psychologist.... not sure I like him or not just yet.

Psychiatrist visits twice a week. The one I started with (who I really like) is on holidays for the next two weeks. I have someone else filling in. I spent 90 minutes with him yesterday. It's interesting seeing the different styles, although he was the one that started me on the latest new med.

I had a really bad day on Friday. It's true that the squeaky wheel gets the oil! I decided to throw a tantrum and be the squeaky wheel. Following the rules got me nothing, forgotten in the corner. A tantrum got me two hours of daily freedom and a new outlook on life!

My husband visits most days. I have asked him not to come a few times, as I needed time for me, and was finding his needs too overwhelming. We are working things out.

Out of space. I am adjusting. A jigsaw puzzle keeps me distracted. I worry for the future but am living day by day.

TA

[The_Abyss]

PS - uni emailed me last week to tell me I had failed the semester due to not handing in my final assignment and that I would be unable to continue next semester as a result. I was gutted. (hence Friday's breakdown). I spoke with the psychiatrist and he will be fighting it on my behalf. Just hoping he follows through and can get it reversed.

Anyway, thinking of you all.

Thanks again

TA

[Guest_3712]

Hey TA

So glad to hear from you . As you would have seen from the posts we have all been equal parts worried about you but glad you are getting the support you need.

The circle is quiet large now and we can't wait to have you join us. I'm glad you got some comfort from seeing all your friends support you.

We have fireworks planned ! So take care , yes make time for yourself and try not to take on hubby's dramas - he will survive!

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[White_Rose]

Dear TA

How wonderful to hear from you and know you are happier. Maybe not the whole thing yet but what a difference already. You made me laugh with your tantrum and getting more space around yourself. I wonder if that will work for me. 😊

Let your husband know when he can visit. It's not fair of him to load you up with his problems. Perhaps have a chat with your psychiatrist about how to side step that conversation.

Tolerating being in a group of that nature can be difficult so just sitting there is a major triumph.

I look forward to your updates and eventual return home.

Mary

[CMF]

Dear TA,

I am so happy to log on this morning and see your post. Very relieved to hear you are making some progress and are feeling a little better. Day by day, yes that is the way to go. So proud of you. I love jigsaw puzzles, great way to stay 'in the zone'.

Thank you for your update. I'm sure many people will be smiling today, just from hearing from you.

All the best

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi TA 😊

CMF is spot on... Happy tears for me this morning. So lovely to hear from you and that you're alright.

It's good to hear that you're making some progress with medication and feeling more comfortable.

I agree that maybe leave the discussion with your husband until you feel well. Until then asking for space sounds like a good plan.

As to uni let the psych deal with it. The decision is unfair I'm sure there is a place to ask for a review. Let him sort it out and keep on focusing on you for now.

Take care TA 😊

[annie45]

Hi TA

Good to hear from you and glad to hear that you're going ok. I'm hoping that this time away can help you settle. Forget hubby for now - this time is your time, time to take charge and rediscover the fantastic person that you are

Unis are an archaic institution full of old men with over inflated egos and generally aholes. I hope your psych can get that decision overturned.

All the best

Annie

[james1]

Hey TA,

Really lovely to hear from you. It sounds like you've needed that care for a while and it's great to hear the hospital has been able to provide it to you.

James