Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[Guest_3712]

Hi TA,

I'm glad you have someone there you are comfortable talking with, I had a fav nurse as well and was always happy to see her on shift. She actually helped me as much as some of the docs at the time.

I understand what you are saying about losing your identity. After my injury, and subsequent surgeries, treatments and rehabs I was eventually let go as I could no longer do my job. I was a high achiever at work as I was at home. Bit by bit this was taken away until one day. nothing ! I didn't know who I was or what my role in life was.

Some of the things I have learnt during the times since through therapy are that I am more than just my job. My job does not define me, it is part of who I am not all I am. Same goes for my roles at home. A wife, mother, friend, sister and more . Again lots of parts to make me the individual.

I have also many qualities mostly good, that enhance these roles. Its like the ingredients in a recipe. It takes lots of things to make a cake . The basics like flour, milk butter and eggs are fundamental but If you change a couple of things it doesn't necessarily make it better or worse just different. Like gluten free, or oil instead of butter.

So when we change some of our 'ingredients' at our core , our identity is the same. We will take some hard knocks along the way and MI wreaks havoc on our mindset and at times like what you are going through now it seems like you will never find your way back- you will TA .

As for telling your children, that my friend is super brave. My children found out by default as I was taken in a rather public way but to this day still don't know all the reasons i.e my past , for my mental health issues. Which is why I came back here to BB some three years later to wrestle with the decision , "to tell or not to tell".

So my friend you are already way out in front with facing some of your demons, and yes they will always be your children and as their mum you want to protect them but as others have told, me admitting you need help and support is not a sign of weakness- maybe let them take the lead and see how it goes.

All my very best to you in your continued recovery

Stressless

[White_Rose]

Hello Ta

Thanks for bringing us up to speed. Such a lot of sadness to bear for you with feelings of loss and betrayal. I am very glad your nurse was able to sit with you yesterday. That is such a great feeling to be able to sort out what is happening and to have someone there to help and support you.

Accepting the different facets of our characters can be challenging and even when you do this, it can take time to get comfortable and/or learn different ways of living. So far I think being in hospital has been good for you. You've been through the fight/flight scenario and now you and your brain and emotions have settled down a little you can start to get well again.

It sounds as though you have a good team around you, one that cares about you and is helping you sort out your problems. The possibility of a family conference sounds good, especially as it will be facilitated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. I hope you do this when you feel ready. While you are getting over your 'perfect storm' I think it's good to simply relax as much as possible and allow all this new information to sink into your body. It does take time for the head knowledge to be absorbed by the heart. And being physically unwell is not help.

Give yourself time to heal and take advantage of being in a safe place. You talk about your work as defining who you are. Do you think this is all there is about you? I can see how you feel you must take care of your family and I also thought that. Still do in many ways but they have charge of their lives and are busy caring for their children.

Sometimes I miss my mom very much and just want her to be here and hold me. Your children will also feel this way at times, you are still and always will be their mother. Let them help you now. They are old enough. We had a saying, "old enough and ugly enough to take care of ourselves". Yes it was a family joke but with several meanings, primarily letting go of the apron strings.

This is the time to stop worrying about them and let them take care of you. We all see ourselves differently though our children's eyes. I was convinced for a long time that I was not worthy of anyone, including my children, loving me. Therefore they would not be interested in my problems. Finally I left my depression far enough behind to see my family cared about me.

Let your family care about you.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I have the strong feeling the basic you, the person with intelligence, strength and caring has not changed.

For a huge chunk of your life you have been in a situation where those qualities have been used to nurture, lead and protect.

Now circumstances have changed and the usual role you filled - with all its routines, habits, ways of doing things, thoughts of self etc - has changed. This happens to people all over. Getting married, joining the forces, having a home destroyed, accident, moving to another country - the list is endless.

So one feels lost and loses that sense one can rely upon oneself. When it happen to me I was frightened, and I would not be surprised if you are too. Nevertheless the original TA is still there, just now struggling to adjust to a new role, one where you are not always the base of the inverted pyramid upon which all your family depends.

Struggling does mean worry, apprehension, uncertainty - lessening as time goes on.

By your character and example you will have laid a strong foundation for your family and they will use that, love you and want the best for you. You no longer need to 'protect' them from you. Despite hiccups and teething troubles it will be fine.

Your hospital stay had to happen and will do you good, setting out a new life.

You have my respect, care and I look forward to a happier future for you

Croix (who thinks Mary's words are pretty spot-on too)

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I saw your fears about the family conference in the other thread.

I suspect you are letting the shadows of those people you have known for so long grow until they appear something they are not. You are not facing enemies, just people that have loved you ,and are now being put in a new situation, though perhaps one they may have suspected might happen.

I would expect you will receive sympathy and care and later a measure of understanding as they grow used to things.

Also you have not changed, the inside of you is still the person who has dealt with life's trials in the past, though now the pressures will be less.

It will be OK

Croix

[Guest_3712]

Hi TA

The first my psych called a family conference was also in hospital after a suicide attempt.

I wanted to curl up on floor with shame. I thought my family would be angry with me.

I didn't and they weren't. It was hard but also strangely freeing - lightened my load a lot.

It will be ok. You will be ok. Another step on your road to recovery.

Take care

Stressless

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

Just wanted to drop by and say I miss you and hope you're ok.

Hope the family conference wasn't too painful for you and that your family are supporting you. We're here for you if you need to talk.

Take care of yourself please 😊

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

How are you going? Well I hope. Has your chest infection cleared up?

Has the family conference taken place yet? You have mentioned it several times but not saying if it has actually taken place. It's been a while since we last heard from you. Is this because you do not have access to a computer? I hope this is the only reason.

How are you going with the Identity and Acceptance stuff? You said it really made you think about yourself. Don't beat yourself up too much about your non-acceptance. It's the same for all of us and we do this because we know the world will not always accept us. Not fair I know, but who said life was fair.

Every time you say/admit/agree that you have a MI is another step towards letting the world know we are not ashamed of this. That MI affects so many people who are forced into silence by the the attitudes of others. This is the real unfairness of life, being blamed and shamed for having an MI, which no one wants, and not getting well by our own efforts. As if.... But we can tell others about cancer and MS and dozens of other illnesses with serious consequences and for which they need help and that's OK. No I don't begrudge the help they get but it would be lovely to feel we had that help and support also.

Well I will climb down from my soapbox after my small rant. You already know the story.

I was asked by a psychologist why I wanted to keep my depression from my family and my answer and reasons were pretty much the same as yours. I am responsible for being their mother and I always will. I have never discussed my reasons for leaving their father either but I think their view of him is very different to mine. I suppose I am scared they would not believe me.

So you do what you can. I did end up having to tell them simply because of my attempted suicide. No hiding anything then. Well at least they know why I can get upset over something they consider trivial.

Don't know if any of this helps but I hope it does. We all tend to struggle with similar issues and they produce similar outcomes, doubts, fears and determination to not let this change us. But you know, once we let go of our pride and accept we are as flawed as everyone else we start to learn about ourselves. It gets exciting to have those ah-ha moments and to know we have reached another level in our lives. No I don't want depression or any other MI, but I'm stuck with it so I will make it as useful as possible.

Chin up my dear, you are doing well.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I've not much to say except I'm thinking of you -as are all those that care about you. wondering if you are now on an even keel with your family and thus one stress at least muted

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

Well I've been trying to give you space and time now that you're home...

But am starting to get worried to be honest.

How are you? Are you alright?

I hope your return home has brought with it a lot of positive changes and more support.

Please take care of yourself and know that even if we're quiet there are a lot of people waiting for the day you feel able to let us know how you are going (no pressure though you do exactly what you need to do just for you 😊).

Thinking about you and hoping that you have been quiet because things are on the mend for you.

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I miss you. Not sure if you are still reading but I'll write anyway just in case.

I hope you are safe.

I hope you are supported.

I hope your family has rallied around you and is protecting you.

I hope your husband is working hard to earn your trust and love and respect again (or that you have moved on). But either way that there has been a resolution and you're not stuck in limbo.

I hope the reason you aren't online is because in your offline world you are being supported so well that you don't need us right now.

I hope you are putting your needs first.

I miss you TA.

❤ Nat