Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss · ‎30-03-2017

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

White_Rose · ‎25-06-2017

I have always blamed myself. Defence mechanism to get in first before my ex could tell me I was to blame. Not good at all.

In this instance though you are truly not at fault. Spouses are apart from each other for all sorts of reasons and times. It doesn't give them the right to be unfaithful. Would you do the same as him? I ask because that's your answer to him.

Quercus, I do agree with you about infidelity and if TA's husband had not told her, what would their life be like. I still don't know what to say, though I think it has all been said in the various posts above. No matter what, if your immediate thought was to throw him out then send him on his way. But since he is still there,give yourself time and space to think.

I know the blame game and peace at any price. This is so different. Nothing you have said or done is wrong. He knows the blame is all his. As you say, a naughty boy coming to confess and be forgiven. I ache for you. Keep writing.

Mary

The_Abyss · ‎25-06-2017

Another wasted day. Babysitting most of the morning, then finally got the house to myself and have been unable to concentrate on any of my work.This assignment will never get finished by itself.

And my brain keeps going back to THAT conversation. And also I'm worried about tomorrow. Husband is going to try and get appt with GP for STD testing and I'm worried the doc will spill the beans as to what I have done, particularly the last week. I'm worried about what story I'll invent to be gone all day rather than at work. I'm worried about seeing the psychiatrist for the first time, what he'll say, what he'll diagnose, what treatment he'll prescribe, whether he will insist I be hospitalised. I'm worried about seeing the psychologist tomorrow night, how I will bring up the topic of the infidelity, and how I'll afford the sessions after tomorrow when my free ones run out. I'm worried about getting this assignment done. I'm worried about who will call while I'm not home, and what secrets my husband will unearth now he is back home. I'm worried about the ongoing deception I live in the keep myself feeling safe. I am worried about going back to work, or for that matter, not going back to work. I am worried that my carefully organised structure has resorted back to chaos and I won't cope with it.

Quercus · ‎25-06-2017

Hi TA,

No please don't be sorry that I lost the plot. Dunno where my brain is at lately. Feel like I'm running on coffee. Finding it hard to not feel things deeply.

I think I found it hardest because I like you. Admire you. You have been in such a hard place lately and on top of it all he comes home and throws this at you.

And worst of all you're blaming yourself! How does that work? You've done nothing wrong. He has. I'm with Stressless he is an adult. Being drunk or lonely or used to sex as a coping mechanism or tired of it all isn't an excuse. Everyone has temptation. It's inevitable. But we are in control of our actions. So what if someone seduced him he wasn't raped. Regardless of the circumstances he made that choice knowing it would hurt you. I don't mean to sound heartless or cruel. Or hurt you or push you.

What you choose to do is your choice and yours alone. I'm just saying it is not your fault. It is his. I know you struggle with self worth too and confidence so I wanted to make sure you know you have every right to be angry. And you are not responsible for what he did.

Mary said what would you have done in his shoes? Would you cheat on him? At the heart of it all is you deserve to be treated with the exact same level of respect as you extend to him.

Sorry I'm not helpful at all. I'm not the right person to ask about this topic. It makes me feel strange.

I'm glad you have had bub to keep you busy. My heart is with you.

CMF · ‎25-06-2017

Oh TA,

i saw your post on my thread , thank you.

i wish I Could wrap you up in a blanket and protect you from all that you are worried about.

I am worried for you, for all you are dealing with.

cmf x

Guest_3712 · ‎25-06-2017

Hi TA,

If I understand right, you and husband both see same GP ? If that is the case your GP still has a duty of confidentiality to you and what you have been discussing. If you are really concerned maybe call before his appointment, and insist your visits remain between you until you are ready.

The other option is would it help if the GP did tell him what has been happening with you. Would it be his wake up call to hear from a medical professional what you are going through.?

Just a thought. I'm not sure of all your history or your reluctance for husband to know- this is only something you can decide

One thing though TA is if he is told by GP or you , DO NOT let him then make this about you , and try to downplay or minimise what he has done, by shifting focus on to your problems before he has been made to face his infidelity and work with you - if this is what you want of course. The operative words here are WHAT YOU WANT!

You have value. You are important. You deserve respect

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

Croix · ‎25-06-2017

Dear TA~

You getting overwrought. As you very well know most things turn into mountains at those times, they are not. A simple call to your doctor will stop him saying anything - and please get him to do just that, no details about you at all for hte present.

Maybe gong to work might get you away for a few hours - I don't understand if going is possible - could you do that?

If there is anyone likely to call that will 'spill the beans' then call them if you can, though I think your husband has other things to worry about right now. Alternatively let the chips fall where they may - might be a good time for some secrets to be over, or if he queries just say you don't want to talk about it.

Assignment - well see how it goes.

With psych and shrink do you have to deal with them right now? Family emergencies are a valid reason for postponing.

Look TA I'm not suggesting anything you will not have thought of yourself. I'm just talking about possibilities because you sound the same as I do when stressed out of my mind

You are intelligent, stronger than you think and have as much time as you need. Walk, exercise, bathe or do whatever helps calm.

Croix (who would make you a cuppa if he could)

White_Rose · ‎25-06-2017

Hello TA

It seems everything has been said and in the end it's up to you to do what you think best.

I was going to say your GP is not allowed to discuss you, not in any way, but it's already been said. If you are uncertain then phone him and ask for his word, though I suspect he will not say anything anyway.

Don't bother telling your husband where you are going. You do not need to let him know what you do every minute of the day. Will he be at work? No problem. Talking to a new psychiatrist is always hard. Well it's hard talking to any knew medical person. You are sizing each other up and wondering how receptive they are, whether they make things easy etc. You have done this before and can do it again. Make some notes tonight about what you want to say even if you don't read them out. It will help you to focus.

Psychologist visit should be easier as you have developed a relationship. Again if you feel you will not be able to tell him about your husband, write it down. You may have gathered I am a big fan of writing. Dots points remind you, but more importantly it gives time, in advance, to decide what to say. I would love you to tell it as it is but I know this is difficult for you. Try anyway.

I very much doubt the psychiatrist will insist you be hospitalised. You are taking care of yourself and you can demonstrate that. Your upset with husband is contained, even though it's painful. Damn the office, they can wait until you are well. That's not your priority.

If you want to go to hospital for a few days rest then do so. It may be helpful, I wouldn't know. All you have to do is say no I don't want to go.

I can see your concern that husband will make it all your problem. Been there. It's easy for me to say just refuse to speak about it. Don't bring up the subject. If he wants to know what you were doing while he was away, tell him about the theatre etc. It's true and it's innocuous. I think many of the SFC members are feeling the heat this week. Perhaps we should meet in the cafe and have a celebratory drink when it's all over.

Mary

annie45 · ‎26-06-2017

Hi Ta

There has been a lot of wisdom in the previous posts that I don't think I can add to.

I just wanted to stop by and give you my support. I am hoping that you are ok today. I couldn't even begin to know what you are feeling right now but I wish it wasn't happening.

Your posts on this forum are always so kind, caring and full of wisdom and compassion. You are a wonderful person and you deserve so much better.

I am hoping that things improve very soon for you. Please keep writing to let us know how you're going

Annie

Quercus · ‎26-06-2017

Hi TA,

Thinking of you today and hoping you are alright.

I don't have anything helpful to say but am with Annie that I wish this never happened to you.

I reread my post and it sounds judgemental. Forgive me please. I was upset that you blamed yourself.

My view is that if you do decide to work through this he needs to accept he stuffed up royally. Exceptionally. And that if you decide to stay he needs to make changes big ones. Otherwise how will you ever trust him?

I know couples who have stayed together and the resentment is always there because nothing has changed. There is always the expectation that it will happen again and as such no trust. And the other partner gets resentful and angry to always have their actions brought up and used as a weapon. Plus one couple stayed together only after the wife gave him "a taste of his own medicine" and they stay together for the kids and the hatred between them is painful to watch.

30 years of marriage risked for a bit of fun rather than talking to you. If he'd taken the time to skype you and said he was lonely and wanted affection you woukd have responded. What's difficult about having phone sex with your wife? Or exchanging flirty texts? Nothing. Maybe it would have helped you too knowing he was thinking of you and wanting just you.

So if you decide you can get past this or want to try then there's no place for you to take on his guilt. He is responsible for his actions. Now it's up to you to decide what you need to be able to not resent him. Or if it is even possible for you at all.

I hope that is clearer and less judgemental. I think Croix has a good point that it if you decide to stay it is also a good time to consider letting go of all the secrets. Him and you both. And starting fresh. If you aren't sure or feel more like I do then I'd keep it quiet so he doesn't use it against you.

Thinking of you. Feel free to just tell me to shut up if I'm just making you feel worse.

The_Abyss · ‎27-06-2017

Just a quick update.

I saw the psychiatrist for the first time yesterday. Extremely perceptive. Bottom line is I am now hospitalised for at least the next three weeks, I have had all privaledges removed, don't have access to my chargers (or anything with a cord on it for that matter), have hourly checks, my balcony door is bolted, and I have my week mapped out for me. I even have to wait until the go clears me before I can use the gym.

I had to have a partial conversation with hubby before coming in, and now he is upset on top of the guilt he is already carrying. I worry for his mental health while I am in here.

Once I got over the shock, I actually felt relief that someone was finally actually listening to me, that someone finally understood. Now, I feel caged, desperate to break free by any method possible.

Did my first group session (not something I am keen to repeat) and felt out of place. It lacks the support and closeness of this group. I sat silent and observed, desperate for escape.

They are changing my meds tomorrow... not really sure what concoction is in store. That too will be an experience.

Not sure when I can get back on line, so wishing you all well in the meantime.

TA