Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[CMF]

My goodness TA,

i am so sorry. On top,of everything else to dump that on you. I agree with Mary also. Do nothing for now, you don't have the strength for this ATM. I think you need to feel stronger to be able to think clearly and work out how to deal with this.

i too am at a loss for words.

sending you hugs

cmf xxx

[Quercus]

Oh my God.

TA how are you holding up? Are you safe?

Ok I am the opposite to Croix and Mary sorry. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me. Irreparable broken trust in my book and (hubby is crystal clear on this) I know in myself even with 2 small kids I would ask him to get the hell out and demand a divorce. No grey areas.

But that is me. And everyone has their own limits. I don't judge anyone else for doing differently. Your limits and boundaries may be different to me and that is equally valid.

This is my limit because sex is a very difficult topic for me having being raped. I don't like people touching me. I take a very long time to trust someone intimately (took me until after the birth of my second child to be able to honestly say I am comfortable with my husband). I am repulsed at the idea of him touching someone else and betraying my trust because it took so long for me to feel safe. I wouldn't be able to get past that. All the therapy in the world wouldn't allow me to forgive that.

Only you can decide what you want to do but oh my goodness I really really hope you smacked him with a frying pan. Between the legs preferably. Repeatedly. And told him to take a hike to the nearest hotel or friend's house to give you space to sort your own thoughts.

I am furious and sick to the stomach on your behalf so cannot even image how much pain you must be in.

What are you feeling? Did he say he wants to go to counselling with you to work through this? Actually how about I rephrase this... Do YOU want to work through this? Do you feel like you will ever be able to trust him again? Do you want to stay in your marriage? Do you still love him? Do you want to just tell him to pack his bags and get out of your house? So many questions and all personal, not my business asking and YOUR choice ultimately.

Another thing to think about is your health. Maybe it's time to do a list about what would be a positive about ending the relationship (for example freeing you to face your mental illness openly or relocate to be closer to support networks) and what are the reasons to stay and work through this (if apart from his actions you love your life and your husband and want to fight to get back to where you were).

I'm sorry if this hurts you further. I don't mean to upset you. Whatever you decide I am in your corner TA and I will not judge. Here for you.

Please take care of yourself TA.

[Guest_3712]

Hi TA

Cannot add anything more than what the others have said except don't forget all your friends have joined hands and will be waiting to hold you up in the circle

It is not your fault

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

Thinking of you and hoping you are at least safe.

My reply is still in moderation probably because I didn't respond as sensibly as everyone else has.

Still furiously angry on your behalf.

And worried about you.

And heartbroken for you.

But most of all here for you when and if you are ready to talk. Stressless is right this is not your fault. He is an idiot to treat you like that. You deserve better.

[The_Abyss]

Gosh - where do I start?

First Quercus, I'm sorry I spoilt your night, and no, I didn't take offence at your post. In fact I waited for it to come through today before I posted again.

Mary, Croix, Stressless, CMF, Quercus - thank you for taking the time to read and reply. And Croix, yes, we have already discussed STDs.

I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment. Head in the sand? Hurt and betrayed? Guilty for being too busy to go on holidays with him? Ashamed that other people will know? Sorry for him because he missed me so much that he took relief where it was offered when his defences were down? Angry at the woman who took advantage of him? Angry with him for taking away my last portal of trust? Sorry for him because he felt so guilty he couldn't eat or sleep or enjoy the rest of his holiday? Angry at him for putting himself in that position? Angry at him for dismissing nearly 30 years of marriage so easily? Blaming myself because I wasn't enough for him, that I have been so caught up in my own dramas of late that I haven't given him the attention he needs? Angry at myself that I didn't read him the riot act when he told me? I don't know. I feel more lost and confused than ever.

When my kids were little, he used to go ballistic at them, and then come over for a hug, like a dog that has just chased and bitten the postman only to come back and be told "good boy". His confession yesterday reminds me of that. He had been naughty, and needed to know I still love him. Do I still love him? I don't know.

I have always used sex to settle him. When his frustrations increase, whether it be with the kids, work, the dogs, life in general, I have always used sex to distract him, calm him down. Was he just doing what I had inadvertently taught him?

We had to mind my 9 month old grandaughter after getting home yesterday, with her not being picked up until late this morning. It was a good distraction as it meant I had to get out of bed and turn my attention to someone and something else. She was exhausting, but I needed it in so many ways.

This morning my house is a mess again - not because of her - her toys were quick and easy to clean up. It's all the crap my husband has brought with him, physical and emotional. Because I have been living alone for most of the past month, the house was clean, tidy, organised. I was living mainly in the bedroom and kitchen - even the TV didn't go on in the main room. Now it looks like I haven't cleaned for a month again.

[The_Abyss]

I ran out of space in my last post, so I'm sorry for the continuation.

The last week had been really hard. Aside from my self-harm and my continued downhill spiral, I found that once my theatre performances finished on the Sunday night, I was lost again, nothing left to cling to, my social contacts scattered to the wind again. I don't have good "friends" (except on BB of course), as I guess I don't commit enough of myself, reveal enough of my vulnerabilities, to participate in the usual give and take of friendship. Keeping part of me always hidden, always protected, mask and smile firmly in place. Despite this, I do enjoy my social exchanges, as long as they involve a separate objective (sport, work, theatre etc rather than 1 on 1). My theatre stuff was the only thing I held onto this semester, the only thing I didn't give up when I gave up everything else for uni. Now it too is gone, and I felt I had nothing left.

Tuesday was a better day despite still feeling suicidal, because I had a lot of external support. I rallied for a short time, only to plummet again shortly after. Then, nothing. The support all dried up again. No more phone calls, no more texts, no more visits. Felt suicidal again, avoiding both that and self harm, knowing that it would be harder to disguise this time. I almost picked up the phone to my GP time and again over the next few days and nights, but had nothing to say other than "help". I didn't want to bother him, didn't want to appear any weaker than I already was. Didn't have the energy to go and see an emergency psych. Calls not returned. Hidden away. Desperately needing someone, but not knowing where to turn. I couldn't even turn to BB - it was all just too hard there for a few days. I even lost 4 kg in 4 days as I stopped eating, stopped doing, just stopped.

My doc did end up getting me an earlier appointment with a different psychiatrist for tomorrow. I'm really not sure what to expect, as my other appointments have been with psychologists. I also don't know what excuse I will use for not going to work and then driving 2 + hours away for the appointment. I will be gone all day. Then I have an appointment with my psychologist in the evening. I was going to cancel, but after yesterday's revelations, feel I need to go. More complications. Desperately need to speak with someone, but infidelity and suicidal thoughts are not something you can drop into a casual conversation.

I am OK. I am safe. I am just lost and confused.

TA

[Guest_3712]

Hi Abyss

i think you know how I feel about your situation- like everyone else deeply sorry you are going through this but also very concerned you are assuming this is your fault

Taking on guilt for everyone who hurts us in non - productive and wrong- yes I do it all the time

If u can please go onto- Do you love yourself by Blonde guy in Staying Well. He makes a lot of sense re feelings of guilt and what it does an doesn't benefit.

As for all the questions you are asking yourself, if you still love him or not , you need time and maybe space to think things through

Don't be rushed into making a decision you have to do what's right for you , and he's not a naughty boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he's a grown man with free will who chose his behaviour and now has to accept the consequences whatever they are

Please be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Croix]

Dear TA~

As Quercus says - you don't deserve this. Frankly he seems more like a kid than anything else.

Not knowing how you feel, I would not at this stage either, its too fresh. Because I know I would not sort out my own feelings or make a sensible decision myself so soon is why I suggested no rush to do or feel.

Quercus' idea of a bit of space sounds pretty good - actually her whole post sounded good (whether I agree with it or not does not matter.)

One thing I do notice - and don't agree with - is that half of what you say is self-blame. For example 'too busy to go on holidays' plus lots more. Seem to me to be making excuses for him at your expense. Unfortunately many of us here, me included, do that, and find reason to blame ourselves when it is completely unjustified. Easier to see this failing in someone else I guess.

Please believe in yourself. If you want outside counseling then I'd suggest Relationships Australia might be a place to start (1300 364 277)

Croix

[The_Abyss]

Yes, self blame has been a major issue. Most of my life I have been blamed for when things go wrong, until it became my default position. Assume it's my fault until convinced. otherwise.

[The_Abyss]

And always the peacemaker. Do ANYTHING to keep the peace, restore harmony, reduce the anger, calm the situation. Survival from a very young age.