Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[The_Abyss]

I read an interesting article today - in a running magazine of all things, but it really struck a cord.

"You can give the impression that you're trying in a race - and in life - but deep down you know you're not. You set up excuses, laying down the get-out clauses that undermine whatever you're engaged in.....it's probably linked to the dominant voices you heard growing up. Did the encouragement [what encouragement???] come from a loving place or a harsh, cold, judgemental one? If you tend to associate striving with a lack of self-worth, then it can seem more attractive to ease up, as an act of rebellion or even self-preservation.......but when does this become a position of ...despair? Because to try, to say things do matter, is to put yourself in a vulnerable position."

What do others think?

I found the last line particularly applicable - to try, to admit that you DO care about the outcome of something, can lead to a disappointment so intense that it can set us back further. By pretending not to care, but putting up those protective mechanisms and convincing ourselves and others that it doesn't matter, allows us to handle the ongoing, repetitive disappointments in life, until finally it becomes habit, our own needs buried so deeply, protected by so many layers, that it becomes difficult to find our way back out.

Food for thought.....

[CMF]

TA,

So true. I saw you post on my thread 'just do it', you post here relates exactly to what i am going through at the moment. I often put things off saying i will wait for this or wait for that and yes, the 'it doesn't matter' thought but really i am probably avoiding the disappointment if it doesn't work out. When i was a teenager i had a few part time jobs over the years. Each one i got because i walked in with confidence and pretty much said i am looking for a part time job if you have anything i think i would be good. I didn't sit back and wait for anyone, i went out and got it. Actually my first part time job was offered to me as i was a customer they liked - they asked me if i wanted a part time job. I want to use the same approach now, put myself out there, approach business, email my resume and a letter telling them why i know i am good for the job, but there is more at stake now. If I get rejected now i don't want to feel useless because i am no longer a teenager living at home with my parents, i don't have a safety net to fall back on. having said this i am procrastinating, I am telling myself i will do this or that but putting if off for this reason or that reason. Perhaps i am worried about climbing out of the dark hole if i find myself in there?

cmf

[The_Abyss]

Yes CMF, you do have more to lose, yes, you are more vulnerable, but is it worth not trying, IN CASE the outcome isn't positive? What if the outcome is positive????

[The_Abyss]

Just for you CMF....

" Many of life's failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up"

Thomas Edison

Don't give up before you even start!

[CMF]

Spot on TA.

You have hit the nail on the head and given me some clarification today. I saw you posts on the quotes thread, i love them.

Thank you x

[The_Abyss]

Struggling to get to sleep tonight. A busy 10 days ahead, starting with needing to be up in 6 hrs to get to my psych appointment in time. Not sure what to expect.....

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

It will be alright. I'm awake too. Have to go back to work tomorrow. Kinda frightened. Silly me ☺

We'll be ok TA. Just take it day by day. I hope you are able to rest. I'm putting off going to bed had crazy scary nightmares last night. Tonight I'm going with my routine again. Read for a while, drink tea, turn out the lights and sit in the dark and quiet until I feel dozy. Do you have a routine that works for you?

Good luck tomorrow. Hope you feel able to tell us how it all went.

Take care of yourself ☺

[The_Abyss]

Thank you Quercus -

How did work go today?

I do have a routine......not sure how conducive it is to sleep though! I head to bed, TV on quiet, armed with my computer, tackle any emails etc that need answering, wait for hubby to stop snoring, and eventually put the TV on timer with something not too interesting so I can turn out and drift off! I repeat the process as many times a night as needed!

[The_Abyss]

I was concerned with the psych visit today as since my last visit 3 weeks ago (the session where he was angry with me), I decompensated badly, couldn't get an appt, quit one of my uni subjects, wrote the psych a letter basically telling him it was his fault and I needed a support letter for uni, and expressed my frustration at him that despite him reassuring me twice that I was a "priority", I had been unable to access an appointment when I was suicidal - again!

I am involved in a drama group (which I had missed the past few weeks due to uni and illness) which allows me to become something "different" for a few hours a week. It gives me false bravery and allows me to concentrate on something frivolous rather than the complexities of life. I am also on the committee and have been falling down on the job badly the past few months. I tried to resign at Easter but was convinced to stay. So I came clean last night, and apologised to most of the group for my short-comings, and thanked them for picking up the slack. I told one trusted member about my complete breakdown. It was liberating but scary at the same time.

Anyway, primed, armed, and ready for a fight, I turned up at the psych office this morning. I was dutifully chastised for the way I had gone about seeking attention and informed that to write any sort of report or letter attracted a $300 / hr fee. It was therefore decided to do the letter then, taking up most of my visit. That initially really peeved me, but then I did actually manage to get a brief session afterwards which actually helped. I also asked him about his apparent anger last visit and we discussed our differing interpretations of the event. He apologised, and we spoke about why I was affected the way I was. He admitted he was really worried about me, was concerned that I would fall apart completely because of my "unrelenting standards" and was afraid I would act out my ideation. He tells me he had tried the stern parenting role - which I had not reacted well to!

He also related me to an onion....every time he thinks he has gotten to the bottom of things, I reveal a new layer (I told him briefly about another of my issues). Nothing like complications!

Anyway, we also managed a few minutes to work on the start of a healing process. Apart from "self care" (badly neglected!), I am to take 15 minutes a day to "smell the roses" ie step off the merry-go-round, watch a sunset, read a book, live in the moment. Hmm, a challenge indeed!

[The_Abyss]

After every therapy session, it usually takes me a few days to process the information, a few days to answer questions asked, to reexamine meanings. I remember a little more, or give more thought to an easy answer.

Yesterday's session is no different, and I found myself in the shower this morning ruminating over the question "why does everything have to be a competition?". "When was the last time you did something just for the sake of doing it, for the enjoyment?".

My immediate response was that it comes from me, that I am the one responsible for the "unrelenting standards". But giving that more thought this morning, that is only partly correct. You see, when I was a kid, nothing was every good enough. Get an A: why wasn't it an A+?. Come first in the race: why didn't you come first in the next level race? Lose 10 kg, why didn't you loose 20? Finish a marathon, why didn't you do the ultra? 905 in the SATs - why wasn't it 910? Distinction on that assignment: why wasn't it a HD? Manager - why wasn't it for a bigger company? Got that work done in time: why wasn't the second report done? Beat the cut off times for that race - if you had trained harder you would have come in in daylight! Gone on a holiday - why didn't you do the such-and-such trail while you were there? Doing xxx, why aren't you doing medicine? So much potential.....what a waste.

Heck, no wonder my whole life feels like a competition! When was the last time I did something just for the pure enjoyment of it, rather than because it was expected???? Heck, I really don't don't know!

How do I fix it? How do I change that mindset? How do I start doing things "just because"? How do I turn off that voice that always tells me I'm not good enough, that I could do better? How do I become happy with how things are rather than how things could be? How do I undo 50 odd years of criticism? How do I stop self-sabotaging? How do I finally fulfil that potential, whatever level that may be? I do I learn to be happy?