Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[The_Abyss]

Dear Mary -

Thank you for posting. I have followed your pain struggles on Quercus's thread and noted you were finally starting to feel better. I remembered you saying that you didn't have your own thread, that you preferred to leave a little of yourself in each corner ... like a jigsaw puzzle begging to be reassembled! Well, I for one happen to life the picture that " puzzle" creates!

How much of your ancestry have you managed to trace? It is something I would love to delve into myself when life is less chaotic! It must be fascinating! Good luck with it.

As for my picture, I have not been game to change it. Every time I have put the colour and sunshine back into it, I have fallen back into the abyss shortly after. The little house offers safety in the storm - some days I am sheltered within, warm and safe and cosy, and others day's I am being battered by the storm, banging on the door, no one home to let me in. I have downloaded a few alternate pictures to use.... just waiting for the "right" time!

When I started this degree a few years. Ack, I was actually working on three at once. I finished one last year and deferred the third so I could concentrate on this one this year. I always have an issue with "finishing" though - I suspect I wouldn't have had a big an issue with the other that was midway through just because it wasn't the final year! I also wondered if I had it in me to cope with the workload to do medicine in the future - I guess that's a definite NO for the moment!

Yes, pain can be all consuming. I had a chronic issue last year and it was the immobility that went with the constant pain that was true undoing. I hope things continue to improve for you.

wishing you sunshine and a pain-free day!

TA

[The_Abyss]

Ah, Mr Croix,

Darn that autocorrect! I was "wishing" you health and happiness, but I guess a good "wisking" from Sumo works well too!!!

I hadn't realised that the sense of failure came through so loudly, but I guess it is an underlying theme through much of my past few years. I lost a long term job after a bitter fight a few years back, and I guess my life has been a battle since. I guess I have been trying to prove myself ever since and keep coming up wanting. I thought I had moved on, but guess it's continued to influence my life and how I feel about myself. Alas, more fodder for the psych!!!

I'm sorry you are still in that holding pattern. Is there anything that can be done to assist? I know a good air traffic controller.... Seriously though, I do hope things sort themselves back out for you soon. You are so much to so many, and yet your own pain remains hidden and illusive. Now I really do wish you a good whisking!

Yes, i have stopped all my sports this year and it has not been to my benefit. Exercise has always been my stress release, and the less time I have for it, the greater my stress levels. I have a major sporting commitment in October, so I am hoping to get back involved in exercise next month. I will need to devote significant time and energy to train for it, and need to lose all the weight that has crept on this year. Hoping too that the exercise will improve my mood and outlook.

Overcommitment has been a common theme for me. My previous job had me working over 70 hours (most of them unpaid) a week, and I was so lost when I lost the job, I over compensated to fill the void. I thought that was all life had to offer, but last Christmas I actually had some real time off and rediscovered the brief joy of free time. I think the recommencement of term made the loss of that freedom even harder to bear. I tasted paradise and craved more!

Time I grab an hour sleep before work. Perhaps I should be keeping Corny company!

Thank you as always for not only your insight and support, but assisting me to challenge those fogged self beliefs.

wishing you a "purr-fect" morning.

TA

[running_girl]

Dear TA,

Thank you for welcoming me to your thread. I’m glad you were able to relate to what I said, although I’m not glad that it’s because you have firsthand experience in feeling that way too.

I have a thread in the Welcome section and am about to open a new one in the Relationships section as I could use some advice in that area 😕

I am newish to running and have only started entering myself in fun runs this year. I’m presently training for a half marathon that’s on in a few months and after that, hope to do a full marathon. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to miss out on the last couple of events. I feel your pain as it’s very important to me also. You’re absolutely NOT a failure though. Everyone needs time out now and again. It’s not that you didn’t try - it’s that, deep down, you know you need to prioritise your mental health over everything else right now, and sometimes that means retreating for a while. The running events will still be there for
you when you’re feeling better. It’s no different to if you broke a leg. I’m sure your instructor will understand (or would if s/he knew what lay behind it). But I know, it sucks… hang in there.

In any event I’m glad to have found a fellow runner. I’d be interested to know a bit more of your running background too.

While you're going through this bad period, try to be gentle with yourself and feel free to chat with me anytime… about anything.

My best,

rgx

[The_Abyss]

Thanks RG

yes, those events will still be there. I have missed them before (a series of fractures ironically), but while the first will see me give it another shot in the future, the second sees me so far behind and so much on the outer, that I fear I will never be an integral part again. I need to reprioritise the training for that one as it is good for my weight and my mental health.

As for my running - I'm a slow, sometimes runner! I used to run cross country as a teenager ( and also as an escape), switched to bushwalking as an adult, but went back to running on and off as the kids grew up. I have done "couch to 5km" several times, and met some wonderful people through the local running club. When I can't run, I hike (until this past 12 months). I hiked Kokoda many years ago and discovered I could tolerate long distances. I also discovered work couldn't contact me when I was out on long training hikes / runs. As a teenager I whorshipped Robert De Costella and dreamt of doing a marathon one day. I finally achieved that a few years back and then got into off road running and adventure races. I have since gotten involved in endurance races where I run the first 10 or 20 km and hike much of the rest. I have developed a few favourites over the years, but have missed more than I have run. I'm aiming to do City to Surf with my kids this year. I also took up triathlons a couple of years back as a way of cross training after injury and have a major event in October (which I need to start training for!)

Right now I am too heavy to run and have only recently got back into walking. I hope to restart the "couch to 5 km" soon, and so get back to moving.

Good luck with the training. It is well worth every step you take!

[The_Abyss]

Home sick in bed today. The depression makes physical illnesses feel so much worse than they actually are. Much easier to crawl up in bed than face the world some days!

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Sorry you are unwell today. Physical illness has a huge knock-on effect for everything. I think the physical stuff makes the depression worse, but it really doesn't matter which way it happens, we still feel horrible.

I read your post to me above, thank you. My pain is greatly reduced, just a few niggles in the past couple of days. Unfortunately knitting while I watch TV is something I cannot do as it makes my shoulder ache after a while. Still I manage a small amount. Similarly typing sets my wrists off if I spend too long on the computer. Learning to work in bursts.

I am fascinated by my family history. The oldest ancestors I have traced were born in the mid 1700's. It's more difficult to go back much further as I need to go to the various record offices in the UK. These records are gradually being put on line which will help but I cannot just pop out and look up the records. Very frustrating. Also, because so many people were illiterate there were mistakes made in baptismal, wedding and burial records. If the priest got the name wrong no one would be able to tell.

I can find out when someone was baptised but that does not always help with a birth date. Often three or four children from the same family were baptised on the same date to save on expenses. And of course they were all different ages which was not always recorded. Census records are very good for birth years but they only started in 1841 and many have become lost. It's rather a game of detective to trace people and can also be expensive.

It must feel like tempting fate to put a more cheerful picture on your posts. But the current picture does show you have some shelter from the storms. It took me a couple of years to put any picture on my posts, and I started, with great originality, with a white rose. Then I plucked up the courage to put a picture of me about six years old. I have no idea if I will ever put a current photo up there.

Wow! Three degrees at once. I thought I was clever completing a degree part time, working full time and managing four young children. What subjects were/are you studying? My degree was Communication and later I started a Masters in Ethics. Completed it all except the dissertation by which time I was so overwhelmed with depression I think I lost the ability to think.

Look at your accomplishments in life. I think I understand the part that says you are a failure. You are a perfectionist and any deviation from perfect is not acceptable.

Mary

[CMF]

Dear TA,

Sorrybto hear you are unwell. I do hope you are feeling better soon.

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

Even though it's no good you're sick in bed it is really nice to have you back around the forums. I missed you.

Thanks for your support today I needed it and appreciated it.

Take care of yourself and rest. Even though I do like the safe haven picture I have to admit I'm looking forward to what your next picture will be. You always seem to find something meaningful. I think the path through the trees was my favourite.

Take care 😊

[The_Abyss]

Morning Quercus - you've been a busy lass this morning....I suspect that means sleep didn't feature highly?

Good luck with your appt today - you you get everything you need.

Feeling much better this morning thanks. Flare up of a chronic condition that kept me off work most of the week. I'll work a half day this afternoon after one of the other girls offered to do my shift this morning. Then I'm off until Monday at this stage. I have a few medical appointments Thursday and the dreaded psych appointment Friday where I need to face up to THAT letter and chase up the uni support letter I need. Then of course just a few assignments to fill on any spare time I might have imagined!

My daughter is home post surgery currently and I think she has friends staying for a few days over the weekend. It will complicate things, but for now I'm in a better mental place than I have been for awhile so should hopefully deal with it better. But then, I guess that depends on Friday's appointment!

CMF - thank you too for your well wishes. I hope today is a better day for you as well today!

Mary - most of my previous study was done while the kids were growing up. Bouncernets and Jolly Jumpers were a god-send when they were very little, and later, taking my laptop to the pool or the park allowed me to get work done!

Ah yes, my three degrees ( I have previously done two masters at once, which I also failed to finish. Like you, all that was left was the final draft of the dissertation, but life got in the way!)... when I was forced to leave a long term high pressure job a couple of years back, I was lost and unsure what direction to take my life. Two of the degrees are health related and one was in the animal industry ... just to cover my bases!

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

Yeah not a great deal of sleep but it's ok. I'm doing nothing today. Not a thing. Kids trashed the house while I sat on the couch. I drew the line at them getting in the shower and smearing shampoo around though. Good luck kids...don't think they've realised they're picking up all the mess before they get lunch.

Lets hope your mood stays up and you get through Friday's appointment unscathed. It will be ok TA. I love this new avatar by the way the colours are very restful.

Anyway better go sort out lunch for the kids. Amazingly enough they seem to be packing up. Can't be bothered yelling today. Food bribery will have to do. Thanks for your well wishes for my appointment tonight. I appreciate it.