Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[running_girl]

Thank you Croix…will do, rg

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I'm thinking of you. Have been hoping you're taking care of yourself and that you're able to talk again soon.

Please don't worry about bringing anyone down (you wont) if you need to vent that's what your thread is for. And we are all here worrying about you and wanting to support you.

Take care TA

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I'm doing the same a Quercus, CMF, Running Girl and all, just letting you know people care, you are very real to us.

Actually I'm also looking at your old wooden house on the prairie by the mountains with the storm coming overhead. If you look closely it's a pretty snug sort of place, with a fair degree of skill in the making, even if now old. Glass windows and wooden doors and shutters. Room for livestock and people too. I think inside in a storm would be just fine.

Croix (who gets flights of fancy)

[The_Abyss]

Ah, my dear Mr Croix - you have stumbled upon my secret. Yes, I chose that picture because of the safe haven in the centre of the storm. I had not decided if I was inside looking out into the depth of the storm, or outside, being battered by the storm as I sought to take refuge within.

Thank you Croix, Quercus, running girl and CMF for your concern, advice, and just maintaining contact.

I am OK, I have just had nothing to offer. Sort of in 'no-mans land'. I have watched Quercus and CMF struggle over the past week, but felt I had nothing to add. I have watched from afar Mrs D, Dottie, Sara, Taurus and others, finding myself adrift, no attachment, no insight. I have not felt the need to rant on my own thread, but then, nor have I felt the need to share. It is an odd position to be in.

While I had. Even checking threads multiple times a day, I can go days st the moment without straying in this direction. In a funny, neutral sort of plane.

i am in an ok place at the moment. Ups and downs, but just this odd neutral existence.

thank you again

TA

[The_Abyss]

...shaking my head in wonderment...

I sent the psychologist a letter two weeks ago asking for a support letter for uni and complaining that once again I had been unable to secure an appointment when in crisis a couple of weeks ago. I was petrified of the possible repicussions and was regretting sending it. I heard nothing for 2 weeks, then a phone call today offering me an appointment tomorrow!!! I declined as 1) I'm working and 2) I have an appointment Friday. Now it will be noted that I refused offered emergency appointment!!! Can't win!!!

[The_Abyss]

Mr Croix

Having lost the last couple of weeks in no-mans-land, I just realised that I hadn't heard any more about your "real world problem". Has it sorted itself out? Been resolved? Or are you still dealing with it?

wisking you health and happiness

TA

[The_Abyss]

Running Girl

Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to post on my thread, especially your first post. It came at an opportune time and I really appreciate it. And yes, I did relate to what you said very well.

I notice you are up to 10 posts now. Do you have a thread we can visit you?

i must ask about your name. I gather you are a runner? What sort of distances do you like to do? I prefer longer stuff, although have had a few injuries the past couple of years, which, when combined with the depression and being overwhelmed, has left me sidelined for now. Once this term is over for uni, I hope to get back into running. It does go a long way toward my stress relief.

i have missed two major sporting events in the last two weeks due to my mental state this term. I felt a huge loss with both of them. Loss of dreams. Loss of expectations. A failure. Failed because I didn't try. Failed because I gave up without starting. Failure is a regular visitor right now.

One of the events I missed will have a major impact when I do go back. Everyone has moved ahead of me and I will be unable to catch up. I feel the instructor's disappointment as acutely as I feel my own.

Anyway, thanks again for dropping by. Feel free to stay as long as you wish!

TA

[The_Abyss]

Quercus

​Thank you so much for keeping tabs on me. I have been around periodically, just not in the right frame of mind to make comment.

In answer to your question. Yes and no. I have withdrawn from one of my subjects (just a few weeks before it finished) with the support of both my lecturer and my GP (he congratulated me!). I have re-enrolled in it next semester and will use the July semester break to catch up with its assignments. The problem remains on having it removed as a fail from my record, and being reimbursed for it. I have a support letter from my GP but also need one from the psychologist. He probably won't like the fact I stated as one of the reasons for withdrawal as a decline in my mental state due to his prolonged absence!

My other subjects are going better without the added pressure, although I'd feel better if I had managed to do the assignments that are due soon! It would probably help if I stopped accepting extra work that takes me away from doing the study required!

thanks again

TA

[Croix]

Dear TA

Thanks for thinking of me, I'm in a holding pattern at the moment (not something I'm that good at) waiting for matters to resolve. I guess I'm in a sort of No Mans' Land too. My psych is back and that has been a great help.

wisking you health and happiness

Now that sounds like something Sumo Cat would do - after all he is the one with the fine set of whiskers:)

I guess your psychologist will just have to try and be reasonable. If he digs his heels in perhaps your GP can have a word with him?

You still have an awful lot of commitments. When I did study after being 'retired' I took longer than the norm as I could only do it a bit at a time - and I did not have a sporting regime to maintain too. Do you think - given assignment difficulties affecting you so much in the past, that the sporting endeavor might take precedence?

Steph6 seems to benefit greatly from her activities.

Dear TA, I feel sad you still keep talking about failing. Looking from the outside I - plus others here - can see why you think it, and can see you are plain wrong. I really do look forward to the day when you can see clearly without the fogging lens of low self esteem.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

I looked back on the this thread and realised how long it's been since I last wrote. I actually haven't written much anywhere as I have been unwell fighting what my GP now calls polymyalgia. It means pains in various muscles and it was quite excruciating at times. Lots of pain meds which help with the pain but not with clear thinking. But I have returned, almost pain free and with my energy rating starting to climb.

It's good you were able to sort out your uni subjects. I think I have told you I completed a degree part time. Not sure if I would have the energy these days.

I have found times when I look at the BB forums, read a thread and go and do something else. Writing here can be helpful but there are times when the words are just not there. Writing when you feel up to it is fine and someone will reply. That's the beauty of these forums, you can reach out and get support fairly quickly.

Apart from the aches and pains my life has been fairly uneventful, but then pain us forget everything else I have found. It is amazing how it sucks all the energy out of us. There were times when getting out of bed was definitely not on my to do list but I had to get up somehow.

I have decided to reopen my family history file. It was an amazing journey discovering my ancestors and there are more of them out there waiting to be found.

I noticed you changed your picture a while ago and I was hoping you would go back to the green picture with sunshine. Much more cheery.

Mary