Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Sorry to be away for a while. My various aches and pains had started to subside I thought so I stopped taking the anti-inflammatories and the pain killers. No prizes for guessing what happened. So after battling tiredness during the week I decided to get back on the pills and reduce the pain. Hopefully it will give me the impetus to 'just do it'.

I used to use all sorts of excuses not to do my assignments when I was at uni. I studied part time and was in a full time job with four children, so I guess I understand where you are. Sometimes it really is a case of ignoring the housework, making meals like stews that can be left to cook in the crock-pot all day and getting on with the assignment. My family learned to get along with a less than perfect house (not that it ever was perfect) looking after themselves for short times.

Many years ago there was a book called 'When I Say No I feel Guilty'. No idea who wrote it but it was very much in fashion for a while. It was all about the pressures others put on us and the pressure we put on ourselves to be helpful no matter the effect on us. I think from memory it talked about setting our own boundaries on the time we spent on others and the energy, letting people find their own solutions instead of being there to pick up the pieces and looking after ourselves and our needs. Having just written that I feel a wave of guilt for suggesting we do not help others all the time. How silly.

I hope your psychologist appointment is productive.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

Fail. Fail. Fail.

Sitting in tears. Psychology session didn't go so well this morning. Barely contained anger - his not mine. Angry I had allowed myself to be pushed into working tonight. Angry that I went back to work on Monday when I had been given an indefinite amount of time off. Angry I hadn't sought more assistance with uni and late assignments. Angry that I hadn't accepted help when it was offered. Angry that I hadn't listened at the beginning of the term when he explained how overstretched I was. Angry to be proven right. Angry that I'm still fighting, still battling, unable to accept that I am overworked, overstressed, overwrought. Angry that I had put myself back down the bottom of the priority list. Angry that I couldn't say no. Angry that my sleep was again suffering. Angry at not being able to identify, let alone share, my emotions. Angry that I could accept failure, but not compliments. Angry at denying my own needs. Angry. The angrier he got, the more shut down I got.

Life is a constant set of failures. I thought I was doing OK this past week, but it too was a failure. Constantly setting myself up for failure. Self-sabotaging. Over committing. Under resourcing. Expecting failure, so it doesn't hurt so much when it happens. Expecting the axe to fall so I can jump out of its way. Expecting to fail over and over again. Failing, Falling, Heading back to the abyss.

[White_Rose]

My very dear TA

I am so sad you are in this situation. No matter what you are or not doing the psychologist has no right to vent his frustration at you. You know the areas of your life that need working on and he must help you focus on those. No one can change everything all at once. I understand how you shut down when someone is angry with you. I do the same. Always shut up when my ex started. Many years ago I went to a psychiatrist who swore at me. What do you f....... think, why should someone f...... talk to you etc etc. I was devastated. Had a panic attack there and then and left in tears. It was dreadful.

Please believe you are not a failure. You had the courage to attend that appointment and tell the psych what was happening. Pretty pathetic that he chose to upset you, particularly when you thought you were doing the right thing.

We don't always get it right but we deserve some credit for trying. It feels very painful now because all your self-doubt and self-loathing have been triggered. I know you do not have an active support group around you and you need some comfort and reassurance. Is your husband at home? Can you ask him for comfort?

These next couple of days will be hard and getting through them will take a great deal of effort. But you will get through. At the moment you are all jangled up in his anger and to some extent your own. Also by the thoughts that tell you how useless you are. Can you do something physical like weeding the garden to disperse the effect of the adrenaline which has flooded your body. It will go away and you will be tired. Go and lie down then and get some rest to let your body recoup.

When the worst of the feelings have passed, try and write down what you are feeling and why. You are somewhat overworked and overwrought and need time to digest this before moving on. I also know you are in pain and just want it to go away.

Can you find something you like doing and try to settle with that or is your hurt too much. I want to give you some words of comfort and I find I am writing platitudes. I know they work but just now all you want is somewhere to cry and then sleep. Wrap yourself in a warm blanket and lie on the couch or bed. Let the world go by. This is one time to consider your own needs. I will drop by later to see how you are going.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I only have time or a quick note:

Your psychologist was way out of line. He has to deal with you - and do it in a sensitive productive manner, not just list things he thinks have gone wrong in an aggressive manner.

Unfortunately when our self-esteem is down if somebody repeated gives us devastating blows we tend to think we have contributed to it, that we are at least in part measure at fault.

You have done as well as I or many others could - very well. You don't really realize the pressure you have been under, or the effect it has.

Full sermon delayed due to circumstances beyond my control:)

Croix

[JessF]

Hello TA, I haven't posted in your thread before but I am a background follower of how you've been going. I hope you don't mind me popping in my two cents.

That sounds like it was a very confronting session with your psychologist. I'm not going to pass judgment on his behaviour because I wasn't in the room and I don't know what your relationship with him has been like in the past. It's difficult to guess what his intentions were in this case. He may have decided to take a tougher approach on this occasion because he feels a softer approach has not worked in the past, and he's concerned that you are not improving. He may be unaware how this approach would be perceived, one person's perception of anger is another person's mildly peeved.

It's clear though that this has had a major effect on you.

Here's the thing: I don't believe seeing a psychologist or a counsellor is just about dealing with specific personal problems, it's also a chance to mirror and model how to have healthy relationships in life outside of the counselling room. In our daily lives, we experience conflict, misunderstanding, hurt feelings, anger, frustration. Therapy is no different, in fact it's a miracle it doesn't happen MORE often given the very personal things we talk about in that room.

Mary has some good suggestions around calming yourself for the time being and being kinder to yourself around where you are at right now. When you're ready, I would take some time to reflect on why you feel so upset and angry by this latest session, and make the subject of your next session HOW this all made you feel and the impact. Not only is this an opportunity to continue to build a relationship with your psychologist that works for you and your needs, but it's also an opportunity to explore your own reactions and how you recover from stressful situations where you feel confronted.

Sometimes what feels like a step back can in fact be a step forward. I hope you do something nice for yourself this weekend and remember how strong you are as a person to be still here and still fighting.

[The_Abyss]

Feeling lost and adrift......

[Croix]

Dear TA~

Of course you feel at sea, your idea of what has been happening has taken a knock, but it will get better. You have the inner strength to survive this quite quickly and easily.

JessF has raised some points about the interview. It is difficult to fathom his motives which might be well intentioned, however as far as I can see it backfired. The manner of his speech overshadowed everything for you. You did say before:

We spoke about how he had underestimated my needs and how he had missed the cues

The fact that you yourself may think there is a grain of truth in some things he mentioned will have made matters worse because I'd imagine - if you were like me - it would make you blow that grain of truth into a full-blown disaster.

You end up feeling total failure, rather than that you are climbing up and improving - sigh.

Mary has given you good ideas to gentle yourself down. And when ready to try to look at the interview and sort out how to get across what to him happened and see if you can prevent it from happening again.

JessF's suggestion about using this incident to build a better relationship with your psych is a very useful one.

In general of course it is a fair thing to talk about matters that do not work out well. Perhaps your trying so hard at work might be a start, I don't know, I'm not a psych. While everything is connected I guess, I would think being overwhelmed not productive.

To talk about why I do things for a moment. I have reasons, they seem clear at the time, in fact I can feel I have no choice. A lot later on I can look back and see my reasoning, sometimes quite right, sometimes influenced by my anxiety. My aim - for the far distant future - in not to be influenced by my anxiety at all.

This is one of the major things I look to my psych to help me with, a work in progress 😞

Everything you do you have explained your reasoning for here. You are doing the best as you see it now, or feel you are forced to do things that way. It may be that how you see things may change a little, and some reasons be less binding than they are now. If that happens your decisions and what you do may vary.

No idea if that makes any sense. Short version - you will overcome this large-seeming hiccup in your recovery.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear TA

I hope you are feeling more calm and settled. It has been a huge shock to your system and that takes time to settle. Be gentle with yourself. Jess said I don't believe seeing a psychologist or a counsellor is just about
dealing with specific personal problems, it's also a chance to mirror and model how to have healthy relationships in life outside of the counselling room. In our daily lives, we experience conflict, misunderstanding, hurt feelings, anger, frustration. Therapy is no different, in fact it's a miracle it doesn't happen MORE often given the very personal things we talk about in that room. Croix has also commented that your psych had underestimated my needs and how he had missed the cues. Maybe it's time to talk about the relationship with him and how to make it functional.

Please believe you are doing the best you can. If he wants you to do more, ask him to help you achieve. This is not asking for the job to be done for you but to help you make the next step up the ladder to wellness. I am sorry your picture has returned to the abyss. I was rather hoping you would manage to stay in the other place. Never mind, you know you have moved out before so you can move out again. This time you will move more quickly.

Dear one, continue to take care of yourself.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

My dearest Mary and Croix - my twin lights in the darkness, my anchors, my calm in the turbulence, my sobering voices of reality. Thank you.

I have spent the morning re-reading my thread from the beginning, reminding myself how far I have come in this journey these past 6 or so weeks. Reading about my roller coaster, my ups, my down, my rises and falls, the tight bends and sudden drops, the slow climbs, the jaw-rattling bumps and head-rushing spins. Like the old rattlers at Luna park! It helped to stabilise me, to bring me back to ground level.

I read too the constant advice and reasoning from you both Croix and Mary, despite your own tribulations, being there, bringing me back from the edge over and over again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you too to the other contributors to my journey - James, Geoff, Sam, Quercus, CMF, and the sound reasoning more recently from JessF and others. Having the posts when I was hurting helped; being able to re-read these offerings when I am in a more stable state of mind has been even more helpful.

I have calmed down since Friday. I am still lost and confused, but am dealing with it better. I have debated over the last couple of days whether to call the psych for another appointment this week to go over my reaction so I don't stew over it for the next three weeks, or whether to let it go and wait for my next appointment next month. I am still undecided. I will also try and talk with the GP this week, and will follow up with the psychiatrist referral.

The combination of medication has been working (finally), although I am still dealing with constant nausea (presumably) from them. I came to the realisation the other night however that it's also the anti-nausea meds that are contributing to me being sleepy - might help to try and cope without them or try a different one. I had also considered asking the GP to reduce my AD again (as I felt SO good last week), but perhaps now that's not so wise!

My psych reminded me last Friday that I am sick. It's something I had forgotten in my struggles. I don't feel 'sick' and thus still struggle against the notion, making it more difficult to get 'well'.

I am out of space for the moment. I will deal with the specifics of your posts Mary, Croix and Jess later. (And James, if you are around, I have a couple of questions about schema therapy you may be able to help me with). Just know I have read, absorbed and contemplated, and am deeply thankful.

TA x x

[The_Abyss]

Another observation from the psych the other day:

He identified that I only engage in 'safe' social situations. It set me thinking, as it was something I has never thought about. I go to social groups, to sport groups, a theatre group, but I "avoid" situations where real social interactions are required.

Food for thought.