Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[The_Abyss]

It's 2am...again! Being a cold night, the dogs have crept up the bed.... I didn't have the energy to throw them out earlier! And yes, the house is finally quiet!

i felt better after my rant.... I forwent trying to do the assignment, the neighbours dog was picked up, my eldest eventually quietened down, and I opted to go to bed early. Problem solved... or rather, delayed!

Thank you Quercus, Croix and Mary for your care.

Quercus, that is a conversation I have had multiple times! Not so much enjoyment as necessity. I was working a high level, high stress job for a very long time but needed change and so went back to uni and changed jobs to advance in a different direction. On one level I enjoy them, but on another, I just have to get through them! I am in the final year of a three year degree and feel I just need to finish. Want to get it over with. Want to move on. Just have to grit the teeth and get through it!

As for the ADs, I'm copping both insomnia and sleepiness... tried evenings, but that was worse.

Mary, you are right (as usual!). Women do multitask well, but it is usually with things they know well. This blasted assignment is doing my head in and I need some quality time to get my head around it.

i'm glad you are having a better week Mary, and even though today will be tiring, hopefully it will be a good tired!

My dear Croix. I'm glad my story was able to entertain you for a moment and take you away from yourself briefly after a rough day. Not as good as the mouse story, but the fire alarm certainly added an element of surrealism to that night!

Thank you for your kind words Croix. You have such wisdom and add a calming presence to threads. It no doubt takes a toll on you, but your presence is always appreciated.

Yes, I will cope. It's a bump in the road rather than a fall from grace. I just needed to "lock myself away" for a bit rather than explode. I look forward to having some quiet time when my hubby works nights and aren't coping well with noise, chaos, or changes of plans so well at the moment. I let the pressure get to me... it will pass.

Thank you again dear friends. May your sleep be sweet and the sun warm your day!

TA

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I just wanted to mention something, I was a Uni educator for around 14 years, and one thing I always found, third year ground many students down. They had already had 2 full years and given a pretty long hard effort, then in year three, even though the end was in sight, many almost stumbled. I honestly think their brains - and the rest of them, including their private lives, were strained to the max.

Both young and mature felt this way, nevertheless they made it.

Croix

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Croix - I suspect it wouldn't matter what length the course, the final year is the hardest to get through. It's not only that the intensity of the final year that wears one down, but I think you are right (again!), you are so spent from the previous efforts you run out of steam, lose your mojo, let your guard down. Like a long car journey when the danger time to fall asleep is as you get close to home.

May I ask what area you taught in? Or is that too much information?

Work was not as bad today as I had built it up to be (so often the case). I still fear falling back into old habits and old mindsets, but it was ok. The boss was over my shoulder almost constantly at the start of the day, but at the end of the day, he welcomed me back and told me what a calming influence my presence had there. Whether it was true or not, it was nice to hear it. Things are still very fragile (and I still haven't done that damned assignment), but it was encouraging. I was also able to have a normal conversation with my doctor friend, rather than one fraught with misery. I have another psychology session booked for Friday, so even if things fall apart before then, i have an anchor to cling to.

Croix - I notice you have not been your usual self the last few days - are you OK?

[Croix]

Dear TA~

No, that's ok, I taught computing. It's funny, you are the 2nd person today to see me as being less than my normal self , which is a somewhat true I guess, though I did not realize it was apparent on here. Thank you for noticing and caring.

I've just got a minor real-world problem that will take another coupe of weeks to sort out. I'm overreacting to it and that shows though in being a little more vulnerable and tired.

All will be good.

I'm glad work was ok and better than you expected (I guess that's often the way - with me at least)

Thank you

Croix

[The_Abyss]

Thank you and good luck

[james1]

Hey TA,

That would've been wonderful to hear from your boss. I think it goes to show the effort you put in to try and keep going which is super admirable and often gets overlooked. Good on you 🙂

It's good to hear you have your psych appointment locked in. I have my sessions twice a week to keep all my bumps as bumps in the road and not a fall from grace, as you aptly described, so I understand what you mean by having something to anchor you.

I hope today is treating you well.

James

[The_Abyss]

Hi James - good to hear from you. How have you been?

I had three good days at work this week (after the initial stumbling block of actually getting there and having the boss over my shoulder for the first couple of hours), but I am so very pleased to have the next 4 days off. I have an assignment which is now 3 days overdue which I desperately need to get started - I'm hoping to get some thought time tomorrow to put it together. It has been the main thing to overshadow the week. I have also had the constant doubt that the calm of this week won't last, that the shadows will catch back me up. That old adage of "too good to be true" perhaps.

It was good to hear from my boss last week, especially as it was unexpected. It made my day! It was also a real buzz on Monday for him to welcome my back, and tell me that there was a confidence that filled the workplace by my presence. It was nice to hear, especially as I often have serious doubts about my ability and I spend much of my day second guessing myself. Whether the feeling lasts, who knows, but it was nice to experience it this week.

It would be good to have the psych sessions regularly just to keep the bumps ironed out. Having such a long break between each session has been hard, so it's a real luxury having just 10 days this time. It does scare me needing sessions so regularly, but as we have spoken about before, the dependency thing does reek it's own havoc.

Croix, I hope your 'real world problem" sorts itself out for you soon. Sorry it was left you a little out of sorts. Despite that, you are have still been amazing, being there for everyone. Don't forget to leave time (and energy) for yourself as well.

It is amazing that you taught computers. How did you get involved in that field? I remember when I was in high school and we considered ourselves really advanced as we have the first set of school computers in the region. They were the old dos system and we thought we were pretty smick learning how to program them. To say I was lost when Windows first came out is an understatement!

Anyway, hoping you are both well tonight. Thank you again for dropping in, and for being there through the long haul. (And you too Mary wherever you may be!)

TA

[Croix]

Dear TA~

That old adage of "too good to be true" perhaps.

How about progressive improvement? Can be just as true.

In answer to your question when I was invalided out of the police I was not good. After a while my wife persuaded my to try study. I was indifferent and picked out computing using a pin with my eyes closed (literally).

Took me longer than normal but at the end I started to teach bits of the course I'd taken and it went from there.

Good luck with that late assignment:)

Croix

[The_Abyss]

Your wife sounds like a wise woman. Eyes closed and a lucky dip Croix? I'm impressed. I'm glad the "choice" of career change has worked for you!!!

I started today (as I have done so often before) full of determination to accomplish everything (or even one thing!). Before I know it, I am back on another tangent, and the original purpose of the day has been waylaid. Another day is over, and I still have not achieved what I set out to do (this blasted assignment for one!). I also didn't manage to shower, or exercise, or.... I did get the washing done, the floor swept and dinner cooked, but I am still struggling to get my head into the assignment. My previous psych use to remind me regularly "Just do it!", but that is so much easier said than done. I even changed the location I am trying to work in, just to change my habits! It didn't work. I am also still battling the fatigue side of the AD. I contemplated reducing the dose to see if that improved it, but am scared I will slip back too quickly. I already feel like I am teetering back on the edge.

My psychology visit is tomorrow. I normally plan it when my husband is at work, but I was unable to do that this week. I'm not sure what excuse I'll use to be out of the house for a few hours. I hate to lie to him, but still aren't ready to share. I guess that is also weighing on me at the moment. I was also looking forward to an empty house for the weekend - my husband is working all weekend and I relish the quiet and the freedom. As it's mother's day this weekend however, I believe one of the kids is headed home, bringing a "friend" with them. I had a "family" weekend last weekend and so tried to dissuade them, especially as it means I will now have to entertain and look after them, but I know they are just trying to be "helpful". I feel selfish in my thoughts, but also feel under immense pressure at the moment.

Enough whining. Time I turned my attention back to the assignment.

"Just do it!"

[The_Abyss]

Feeling pressured to work an extra shift tomorrow night. Why do I find it so hard just to say "no"?