Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I read what you said to Mrs D when I was posting to her, you don't have any poison to spread you know, you really don't.

Staying away from the Forum for some reasons can be good, but please never do it because you think it might hurt others just by saying how you are.

True others can be hurt, this normally happens when aggressive people show a marked lack of concern for others or people lash out. Occasionally by sheer thoughtlessness or accidents. You do not have any of those in you.

Seeing people in very bad places, I'm afraid that is so often the case here, and is why this place exists at all. Everyone here develops methods of coping with seeing others in distress, and part of that coping is to give what help one can. All of this place is a two-way street, which is why it works.

If worried stay in your own thread for a day or so and let others seek you out. If you want to post something you think will really upset, then put a little note to that effect at the top of your post - though this is something I doubt you will ever need to do. In the final analysis if your post is truly harmful it would not be allowed anyway.

Knowing that your psychologist's presence is a little bit of comfort for you - I'm glad

Croix

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Croix for your sage advice and reassurance.

I couldn't face my own thread as it contained too much pain, was too stark a reminder of how far I had fallen. I was also concerned about commenting on other's posts as I didn't want my negativity to rub off, or my cynicism. I also didn't feel I had anything to offer at the time. As I started to dip my feet back in to the forums, I gained more confidence, until I could finally face my own thread again.

I don't know if I am building too much hope for the upcoming psychology visit. I am trying not to get my hopes up as the disappointment would be too hard to cope with at the moment. I know he can't fix everything, but I am hoping that by reconnecting, "starting over" so to speak, we may be able to do this thing properly. I'm still not quite sure how to start the conversation - I guess it will depend on what his opening comments are. I dread the closeness of his room though - it would be great to use a different room just to reinforce the starting over. I have begun sitting outside rather than in the waiting room - it would be nice to find a private place outdoors, but it doesn't exist. Perhaps I should just imagine I am in Kanga's garden!

I thank you again for your wisdom and sensibility. It is always difficult seeing through the fog when it swirls so close. It is only as you distance yourself from it can you appreciate it's beauty.

TA

[Croix]

Dear TA~

Dunno if it is sage or not - Parsley, Croix, Rosemary and Thyme? I think Simon and Garfunkel would have fits.

Negativity and cynicism -umm, you do worry too much you know. If you need to spill it out - it's ok.

I have 2 threads, one on a PSTD experience which I avoid as it is too reminding to be comfortable, and Croix Parler, used for general and also lighter moments. From memory a couple of people may have gone there for that sort of reason - you are welcome anytime, be as cynical as you like.

That psychology visit will be an avenue, partly built by you, partly by the psychologist. Knowing your intelligence, resourcefulness and determination I'm pretty sure you will at least get something out of it.

The little close room. I had a friend that suffered overly from feeling closed in, he said concentrating on something helped -a picture, vase, whatever. Plus letting his eyelids droop just a little -I've no idea if that was just something he dreamed up that helped him. YMMV - Why not ring up and ask if there is a conference room or similar, you never know ? (though you may have already asked)

Imagining Kanga's garden - complete with a bossy Kanga - sounds a pretty good idea to me, give him a prickle to sit on & imagine the fun! (sorry Kanga - all in a good cause)

Croix

[The_Abyss]

Mixed herbs Croix - yum!

The psych's room is probably bigger than it feels - a standard 3 x 3 most likely. It has two long low lounges in it (that my knees hate!), his desk and chair, and a small window. Oh, and the obligatory box of tissues on a small side table! I tend to sit as far in the opposite corner as I can mange, focus on the window behind him. Sadly there is no view visible fro the window, just a fence. Occasionally a bird may flutter past, but that's about it. I generally don't have an issue with small spaces, but my personal space need is very large while there and I often feel the need to escape, to run out the door, run from reality. Instead, I squeeze as far into the corner as I can, positioning myself so I can see the door and the window at the same time. Yes, I will endeavour to ask for an alternate space - it depends on how I feel at the time!

Yes, I scroll through your threads from time to time. I wasn't really sure I fitted in Croix Parker. As for the PTSD, yes, suffered badly from that a few years ago after a job that threatened my safety and that of my husband. It was further compounded by a later job that was simply the straw that broke the camel's back. I scan the PTSD posts, but other than Taurus's, I don't comment very often. It is part of my issues, but not the primary part. I can understand however that it can get too much even for you at times.

I find your presence very stabilising, very calming. Thank you again for your kind words and your support.

TA

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I just saw you had to wait till June to see the psychiatrist! How I feel for you! Initially I had a 3 month wait to see a psychiatrist and hubby rang around everywhere asking for anything earlier. He was lucky and snagged a cancelled appointment. It just made me wonder did you ask when you called around if they had a cancellation list? It could be worth putting your name down.

In the meantime I hope you find some peace speaking to your psychologist and writing here!

I agree with Croix, you are a positive presence here on the forums (even when you're in the abyss). You've always been very considerate of others (like how even when you are very down you reassure others you are safe). I find your words helpful to follow.

Take care 😊

[Ashlee23]

Hi there Croix thank u for your words of wisdom in regards to friends I have select few I find it hard to trust and even say hi to people I generally find it hard to be around people without assuming they are judging me or thinking poorly of me I was on a medication in which when I started I was on watch for suicidal as the meds could react the wrong way and make me worse than better I have attempted a mental health plan however I'm not one for organisation my family want me to be normal as such they prefer me on my meds however then they don't like me on my meds I'd much prefer to be alone within my own deep thought of confusion anguish disappointment and my life full of lies from those whom are suppose to raise and love u my ditatchment from my mother causes me major anger dislike and frustration worry that I will be alike if not so to speak fixed I often feel detached from my peers don't feel as though I love as much as other people do the assumptions in my mind are enough to drive me daily

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Sorry I have not been around for a while. Life gets a bit like that. That's a good suggestion from Quercus to ring around and see if you can get an earlier appointment and ask at the psych's office you currently have an appointment to be put on a cancellation list. You never know.

There are times when we seem to fallen so far it seems we are at the starting point again. Not a happy experience. I know it's hard to do, but think how far you had come on your journey. You will not need to do all the hard work again to regain ground. You have the knowledge of what and how you got there and best of all the knowledge that you have reached a better place. It may seem silly to say this but it really helps to remember this.

I used to go to an exercise class twice a week and sometimes on my own. I knew I was getting stronger and it was great. Then I had to have surgery and of course could not exercise in the way for some weeks. When I returned it was such a blow. All the strength and stamina had gone. But I did regain it quite quickly because I had the underlying fitness. Sorry to take so long to explain.

We are all like that. We slip back for whatever reason and despair of moving forward. But there is still the underlying structure we have built. You will get back again and more quickly than the first time. I know from my own experience. I have slipped back in the past few weeks but I know I can get better because I have done it before.

Concentrate on those things you feel comfortable about and pamper yourself. There is no rule that says you must take on other cares when you are feeling low.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

When 2500 words aren't enough!!!

Firstly - Ashlee - sorry I missed your original post. I was in a pretty bad way at the time and was in no position to help anyone, including myself. Well done for continuing to stay around - I hope you are finding the forums of some help. Have you thought of starting a thread yourself - it helps to be able to debrief and your posts are less likely to get lost among the others. With your three special souls and the years of issues, it sounds like you need some one - on - one support. Follow up with your mental health plan - it's a great place to start.

Quercus and CMF - thank you for your support and sorry to hear you have both been having a frustrating time of late. Yell, scream, rant....does wonders! I used to work in a post office with a parcel room which was sound proof (an ex bank safe) - whenever we had a difficult customer, we'd retreat to the parcel room and scream and yell until we felt better, then come back out as though nothing had happened! I can't solve the issues for either of you, but have been keeping tabs on the situation.

They are referring me to a different psychiatrist. Still not convinced I need one as things are starting to balance out, so the long wait is no longer such an issue. By that stage the psychologist will also likely have some questions for him on my behalf, so perhaps it is good to delay things.

Mary - No apology needed. I someone else's struggles are the last thing you need when you are in a world of pain yourself. I have followed your last couple of weeks on other's posts and seen your difficulties. I hope things start to pick up soon.

Yes, I can relate to your exercise analogy. Sometimes though the body (or mind!) has become so unfit that baby steps are all that are possible, and then it takes a long time to work on what is really needed. Hopefully muscles do remember in time and then the road becomes less mountainous!

Ok, so now for an update.

Firstly, I think the ADs are finally taking the edge off things (and the side effects are starting to reduce marginally) - I hit a very large deer in my car on my very long drive last night (it was very distressing for us both). 3 weeks ago I would have been a total mess, but instead, I accepted there was nothing I could do about it, and got on with the essentials.

I've been off work since last week, and that has really taken some pressure off. I also managed to get one assignment finished and another extended, so that has also helped.

[The_Abyss]

Back at uni today (with minimal sleep). Mental health lecture....and the stigmas involved. Interesting (and scary) to sit in a room full of health care professionals and listen to the lack of tolerance. It shouldn't have come as a surprise I guess. If I had had the nerve I would have stood up and challenged the beliefs, but instead I continued to sit quietly. One day...

Now for the rest of the update....

I continued to struggle all weekend, but finally Monday I started to come out of the fog. Psychology visit was yesterday, and I think finally having it on the agenda helped me to cope.

So, saw the psychologist. "How was your holiday?"......."And how did you cope?" "Well....I told it as it was, both barrels worth! At the end of it all, we actually sat down and spoke, properly. We discussed how my need was greater than his ability to meet it, how rejected and deserted I had felt, how I had been unable to access any care in his absence, my big S attempts, and my feelings around it. We also explored my concerns (without me asking about it) about a mental illness other than just depression. His questions made it obvious as to what he was looking for - I'm sure there will be other questionnaires to fill in! I did the Young's schema questionnaire when I left yesterday - I am curious as to the result of that. I thought of self marking, but decided I would be the patient and let someone else take over for a change!

We spoke about how he had underestimated my needs and how he had missed the cues. The bottom line was, I have an appointment next week and an invitation to call for an earlier appointment if I need it. For the first time since starting with him, I actually felt understood and supported.

One of the other thing we spoke about was conflicting priorities. He gave me a lot to think about, but ultimately, number one priority at the moment is survival. Caught up with this is self-care, something I have neglected badly of late. We also spoke about giving up work for 3 months until things settle, but I'mnot ready for the consequences of that.

So, in summary, I am working toward being functional again. It will be interesting to see how I cope once I have to rejoin life and go back to work.

Finally, I just wanted to thank everyone for helping me hang in there while I was struggling so badly, and helping to remind me that I do matter, and that life is important.

Thank you

TA

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

So pleased to hear you're starting to feel a bit better. And I'm happy to hear you really spoke to your psychologist about your concerns. And have been taken seriously by the sounds of it.

It's also really kind that you've been following all of us even when you've been struggling. Thank you.

I hope my vent yesterday about the psychiatrist hasn't put you off giving it a try. In hindsight I think I was just frustrated at having to wait another week. He did say something I found extremely interesting though that might interest you. He told me psychiatrists who carry out psychotherapy have a mentor (their own psychiatrist) who they discuss your therapy with (keeping confidentially of course). He said it is a check on themselves and a second opinion. I found it very reassuring. What do you think?

Anyway I just wanted to pop in and say mostly that I was relieved to see you posting again and in a better place. Is it too early for a new profile picture to celebrate? I've enjoyed all of your pictures so far.

Take care 😊