Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss · ‎30-03-2017

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

Croix · ‎23-04-2017

Dear TA~

Being triggered is horrible, I know the exact feeling, it also leaves one feeling helpless and overwhelmed. It's not always possible to anticipate and avoid everything that's likely to do it unfortunately.

Do you mind if I ask what set things off? It might be possible to do something, perhaps put up a warning, in case others might have a similar experience.

I hope you are able to overcome the reaction and feel better, more in control, really soon.

Croix

Ashlee23 · ‎23-04-2017

Hi there I am new to this bb thing however trying to talk to ppl first hand is not a talent of mine I have in the past been diagnosed as border line personality dis and suffer stress anxiety and depression but recently I have felt worse than better I seem to be falling into a pattern of feeling so mad and for no good reason my partner is starting to find it hard to understand me i can think about something from years ago and it makes me angry I feel nervous everyday like I have done something wrong or something is gonna happen I just want to be happy my life wasn't a peachy upbringing I had a mum who left me in a capsule outside my grandmas house a dad who was an alcoholic but I loved him then he got a new partner but when he drank he fought anyone and everyone I was the one cleaning him up afterward age 7-14 all my memories are bad I don't want to feel like I'm him without the alcohol I feel sad and don't even have a reason to do so I have 3 special kids my eldest with an attention dis my middle son with autism and my baby girl who has a cardiac condition I feel as though I have nothing together at all for years I have been up and down and all over the shop any advice would be so helpful even just for my partners support

White_Rose · ‎23-04-2017

Hello TA

Sorry for not being touch for a few days. My body staged a rebellion a week or so ago and I have had various amounts of pain in various parts of me. Taking pain medicine. Had a blood test for things like fibromyalgia, Ross River Fever etc but no results yet. Not a happy Vegemite. Spoke to my psychiatrist who said it may be the result of the stress in my life. I don't care what has caused this, just make it go away.

While spiders are not a particular dislike of mine, I must confess I would be uneasy driving home with one. My daughter would have stopped the car and refused to get in again until someone removed the offending beast. You are very self-possessed.

I understand your point about reading DSM -5. It's like reading the symptoms of the latest illness doing the rounds. We all have some of them but not to any significant level. I have a great admiration for my GP who can see the difference and make an accurate diagnosis.

It's uncomfortable having side effects to ADs but I am pleased you are seeing some improvement. Side effects can fade or you can have a different AD. It's all up fro grabs.

Interesting conversation at uni. It depends on how necessary it was to record a client's medical history. If you need to know someone had epilepsy, to use a common example, and to have notes on dealing with an emergency in this, it seems reasonable. Any other illness, including MI, that does not need possible intervention seems like an invasion of privacy. Even the most caring person person will see another in the light of their MI. And simply writing mental illness on a file is horrific. If it must be recorded then the name of the MI should be recorded. But yes, stigma is alive and well, unfortunately.

Are there degrees of stigma? Not entirely sure. These days most people are aware of depression and anxiety and have some knowledge and sympathy. Others illnesses such as Bipolar, BPD, PTSD etc are less well-known and may put up an unnecessary barrier by people making assumptions. A very tricky question.

I hope you feel well again soon. It's unfortunate that we can be upset about the struggles of others. This is why I find watching TV difficult at times. The 'Off' switch is a handy gadget.

Mary

White_Rose · ‎23-04-2017

Hello Sam

As a person who dealt with reasonable adjustment in the workplace, I can see the employer side as well as yours. One employee wanted to bring her own chair into the office because she said her chair was uncomfortable. Trouble is, she had one of those kneeling chairs which were in vogue some years ago. Said her doctor or someone similar had recommended it for her at home to help with her particular problem. In my view this chair put a huge load on her knees if she sat on it all day, it was not as manoeuvrable as an office chair so she could hurt herself reaching out across her desk etc and could get cramp sitting in the same position and be at risk when she stood up. Eventually the powers that be said if she had a letter from her doctor saying this chair was the only one she could use it would be allowed. No letter so no chair.

Your suggestion sounds reasonable because of your triggers. I expect your employer was thinking about how
to attract your attention in an emergency, would this become a constant need, how would it affect your relationships with your colleagues. I expect your employer would want chapter and verse on how necessary it
was and how to mitigate possible problems. Giving you permission makes them liable I would think for any accidents due to earphones. Lawyers tend to think this way.I hope that helps. I don't mean to be discouraging by giving the opposite point of view. It's not always easy to make these kinds of decisions in the workplace because there are so many factors that need consideration.

Moving out of home is the rule rather than staying with the parents. I have four children who moved out and back in a couple of times, mainly because of uni or work placements. I have to say I was happy to see them go. Not in the 'getting rid of them' vein but because it meant they were making their own way in the world, becoming independent. They now have their own families and it's great to visit and see the grandchildren and for them to visit me.

My home was very quiet once they had all left and it took a while to cook meals for two instead feeding the five thousand. We did go holidays etc together when they were at home and now we have family outings to birthdays in the park, all going to see the latest Star Trek film etc. It may be you will need to leave but soften the blow with visiting often. Once you have gone your parents may be more interested in going out with each other.

Mary

White_Rose · ‎23-04-2017

Dear Ashlee

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good you have found your way here and want to talk to us. I presume you visit a psychologist or psychiatrist regularly to help manage your difficulties. If you no longer see anyone I suggest this is your best option at the moment.

Depression and anxiety often go together and I believe they are invariably present in BPD. So lots of stress in your life and it can be difficult to manage. May I ask if there is anything that has changed in your life, apart from the feelings of anger? I wonder if there has been a situation that has caused you to feel this anger. You have much to worry about with three children needing extra attention.

I find I am going along reasonable OK, but suddenly it seems everything is going wrong. There does not need to be a reason, or none that I can see, but I feel I turn into someone else. Being cranky, tired and generally down comes as a shock when we have been travelling quite well. I have a personal belief that thoughts come up to be dealt with. I don't mean you can go back in time to put things right. I mean to explore why these feelings are now resurfacing. There usually is a reason and your psych is the best person to help you answer these questions.

Ashlee, I want to suggest you start your own thread. It's OK to post here and join in this conversation but your own needs and concerns may get lost. People who could relate to you very easily may not see your posts here and you may miss out on important information and suggestions. You can tell us more about yourself and people who answer will not be confused with the topic under discussion.

I hope we hear from you again.

Mary

Croix · ‎23-04-2017

(Dear TA, please excuse me while I talk to Ashlee23)

Dear Ashlee23~

Welcome here to the Forum. As you have already found out this is a place full of people with all sorts of experiences. I guess you must have chosen The Abyss’s thread for your first post because you felt an affinity here. Your account shows life has been very unkind to you, and with all that plus your children you have an awful lot on your plate.

I’m sorry that you have these swings and keep going up and down. As someone who has anxiety and has had bouts of depression I can understand a lot of what you talk about. I can also see how hard it can be even for a loving partner to cope and understand.

If you don’t mind me asking are you currently under medical treatment? I’m not trying to be nosy, it’s just that the more you can say about your life, the better people here can relate and give more accurate comments.

I do know in my own case that swinging up and down was a sign that my treatment was not as effective as it should have been.

If you are under treatment might I suggest you contact your doctor with a view to getting your current regime of meds and therapy adjusted?

If you are not then I’d book a long consultation with your GP, set out all the facts and how you are reacting (I had to write it all down first and share the paper to make sense). You may end up on meds with a Health Plan, visits to a psychologist and therapies to work on together.

I found there was no way I could get better all by myself, I needed medical and family support.

Perhaps if your partner has difficulty understanding you might read through the sections of The Facts menu above on depression and anxiety. You could also keep looking at other threads here in this Forum to see how people like you have coped.

You have said a bit abut you family but not so much about friends, is there anyone who is supportive, that you could talk to, who might lend a had when you need it?

Now there is one other thing:

As you can see already by posting here in another thread your message is being buried under following posts. Also this is the area called Suicidal Thoughts and Self Harm. Unless there is something you have not said this may not be the right area for you.

Would you like to make your own thread, perhaps in the Anxiety areaand and put a post there. It will be easy for people to find you and keep talking to you there in your own space.

My thanks, I hope you do post again, you will be met with care

Croix

CMF · ‎23-04-2017

Hi TA,

We are here for you whenever you are ready. I think it is my post that has triggered you. You have mentioned previously that it is a little close to home for you. Please don't feel like you need to post on it, i totally understand. I too have read posts that have triggered anxiety and have had to avoid them. It is totally ok to do so.

cmf x

The_Abyss · ‎23-04-2017

No CMF - not yours. Was already feeling fragile and post had been allowed through with explicit detail that pushed me over the edge. Has since been taken down.

Thanks all for your concern ... will get back to you in a couple of days....

Thanks all for replying to Ashley.... not in the right headspace to do that just now.

I'm safe, just a complete mess.

White_Rose · ‎24-04-2017

Hello TA

I am so sorry you were distressed by the post you read. As you say it has been taken down but not before it has damaged you and possibly others. If you are still feeling distressed it would be good to phone the BB helpline on1300 22 4636. This is available 24/7.

Just a short post but it brings all my care and concern. Can you see your GP about this as an interim measure? I see your psych visit is not for several days. I know it is horrible to have these disturbing thoughts and be unable to put them aside. I have found at times like this we need support and also some diversions. Although you feel like crap can you get out of the house for a walk? Simple activities that do not need preparation.

Talk to us when you are ready.

Mary

CMF · ‎24-04-2017

Here for you TA

Sending you a gentle hug and warmth and good vibes. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I too wish i could whisk you a coffee and a chat, you have been such an amazing support to me.

Take your time and as Mary said maybe try to go for a walk or occupy yourself. I know it can be easier said than done but know that we are here when you are ready.

Best wishes

cmf x